Seeing Fruit

In the new world of Zoom, I've hit a major wall of frustration.  The camera on my laptop is giving me fits.  I happily log into meetings on Zoom, anticipating the connection with people I know and appreciate.  I see their sweet faces and then see my screen black where my face should be.  I want to interact with my face and not just my voice, I want others to see my expressions and my reactions, and I'm struggling to get my computer to cooperate.  I've gone through all the steps to trouble shoot the problem and still am unable to get my camera to work consistently.  It seems there is no rhyme or reason to why it works some moments and other moments be completely inoperative. 

I spent several hours yesterday, as did my sweet husband, going through various hoops to figure out the best solution.  We eliminated several possibilities so I suppose that's progress.  I hit a point though where I was emotionally spent.  I felt dumb, my brain couldn't seem to figure out new possibilities and I had no understanding of what had already been accomplished.  My husband knew I was done as well; he was gentle and kind, giving me space as I needed and hugs as I needed.  I set aside working on it and we watched some episodes of The Saint to relax.  I went to bed believing that in the morning I would awaken with a refreshed spirit.

This morning, when I got up, my body was refreshed, but my spirit was still tired.  I felt like the Psalmist when he says, "Why, my soul, are you downcast? Why so disturbed within me?..." (Psalm 42:5).  Rationally I knew it was just video on Zoom.  It wasn't life threatening, I could still do what I needed to do, and yet it was holding me in a grasp that I found difficult to break free from.  I grabbed my cup of coffee and sat in my chair to meet with Jesus.  The passage of the morning was Galatians 5:22-25, the fruit of the Spirit. 

God's Holy Spirit began to nudge me.  Since the passage is so familiar I didn't feel the usual tug to do word studies or background references.  I know that the traits listed as fruit of the Spirit are evidences of Jesus in my life.  The Holy Spirit prompted me to beginning journaling how I perceived spiritual fruit would appear in my current circumstance.  God's Spirit began to speak to my spirit and I began to write.

     *love others even if I feel sad, frustrated, downcast

     *care about them: rejoice with them over things that excite them, be willing to listen (even

       though I feel like hiding in my room all alone)

     *rejoice, express joy, over the  truth that I am covered in grace

     *have joy because I know Jesus has redeemed me, and His Holy Spirit lives in me

     *have an attitude of peace; trust God, look for ways God is showing up in my circumstance

     *respond with patience; trust the truth that God knows best, and His timing is perfect

     *be gentle with myself, don't set unrealistic expectations

     *be gentle with others; do not take my negative emotions out on others

     *be willing to be helpful even if I want to stomp my feet and be selfish

     *be truly interested in another person's immediate need, even if I don't feel as if my immediate

       need is being met as I imagined

     *remind my heart and anchor my emotions in  the truth that God sees me and knows me, and the

       circumstance I am experiencing

     *Rest in the truth that God is my portion and He is always enough

     *take every thought captive so that all I dwell on is anchored in the truth of who God is and who

       He says I am

     *seek to treat others as Jesus would treat them, not lashing  out or treating them reactively from

       my frustrated emotions

God's Spirit continued to nudge my heart as I read "Now those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the flesh with its passions and desires."  Again God prompted me to journal how I perceived this would look in my current circumstance.  The Holy Spirit spoke to my spirit and I began to write out a list in response to "if I a crucifying the flesh with it's passions and desires…"  

     *I'm not making everything about me and how I feel

     *I'm not taking my frustration out on others, especially my spouse

     *I'm not shopping online to just buy things with the hope that I'll feel better

     *I'm not eating whatever I want without consideration to my health or my health goals

     *I'm willing to pause in the middle of whatever and allow God's Spirit to confront me, mold me

     *I'm choosing to look outward toward loving others

     *I'm listening to the Spirit and how He wants to make the most of my day

     *I'm choosing to believe today holds the wonder of God.  I need to be alert and seek His Wonder

       with anticipation

The passage in Galatians then tells the believer to "keep in step with the Spirit."  The Holy Spirit then graciously reminded me of the truth in Psalms 139:5, "You hem me in behind and before, and you lay your hand on me."  God would do all He needed to do to help me, enable me, to remain in step with Him.  God Almighty is surrounding me today, every day.  He sees what is in front of me, and He knows what is trying to sneak up behind. And His hand is on me. He is beside me imparting His strength and belief in me.  He is standing with me and He wants me to be especially aware of His presence, His available wisdom, power and grace. 

I'm still having problems with Zoom.  I'm not back yet to my typical bouncy self.  And today is a good day.  I'm seeing the wonder of God.  I'm identifying His goodness to me in its various forms.  I'm actively participating in stepping forward with the Spirit.  The fruit of His presence is sweet. 

The First Step

In preparations for Easter, and honoring the fact that this is Holy Week, I read the story of Jesus' final Passover meal in the book of Matthew. It's a familiar passage; parts of it are often read or paraphrased when communion is served.  In His very gracious way, God revealed several new thoughts to my understanding of the passage.  One idea in particular has remained with me as I've gone through my morning tasks.

In Matthew 26:26 it says, "As they were eating, Jesus took bread, blessed and broke it, gave it to the disciples, and said, 'Take, and eat it; this is my body.'"  In the  past when I've read this passage, I've jumped to the significance of Jesus' words.  This morning God spoke to my heart through the first half of that short verse.

"As they were eating."  In the midst of the ordinary, Jesus changes everything.  The disciples were enjoying a traditional Passover meal.  They had probably already gone through the time-honored steps to relive the Israelites' escape from Egypt.  I imagine they were at a point of just enjoying one another's company.  Jesus then takes some bread, another ordinary event, and He begins to teach them something new. God does that often for me.  In the midst of the most ordinary settings, God steps in to teach me something new: about myself, about who He is, about what He wants for me, about how He changes the ordinary into something holy.

As I was thinking about my ordinary that God wants to inhabit, God directed my attention to the fact that Jesus picked up bread and before He began revealing new truth, He blessed it.  Jesus gave thanks for what was given, what was provided. Before Jesus enjoyed what was provided, He gave thanks.  Before He revealed fresh truth for the disciples, He expressed gratitude.  I thought about the story of Jesus feeding the five thousand and how he blessed the simple fish and bread of a young boy's lunch before He multiplied it.  Before a moment that introduced the idea of a new covenant to experience, Jesus expressed His gratefulness for what was provided. 

In the midst of a season that is not fun - in the middle of self-isolation and becoming too comfortable with one's own home - God nudged me to give thanks for what has been provided to me. Let me be clear: He wasn't just asking me to be thankful for things like food in my fridge, a comfortable home, and money to pay our bills. God reminded me that He has provided opportunities to be creative with my time, moments of quiet to reflect on my selfishness, more than enough time to come around to being obedient to what He asks of me, and an awareness that prayer is an active verb. He spoke to my heart and pointed out that blessing the provision is the first step.  God was asking me to be thankful for all the different aspects of my new way of living.  After the blessing, after realizing what has been given to me, after seeing God as my provider in all things and having a heart of true gratitude, only then am I ready to take the next step He has for me.  Perhaps He'll ask me to share what I've been provided.  Perhaps He'll work a miracle and multiply what I hold so that more can be given away than I could every imagine.  Perhaps He wants me to enjoy what He has provided, partake of gratitude and sustenance from His precious hand.   Perhaps He's going to provide a fresh experience that will reveal a new facet of who He is and how deeply He loves me. 

In the middle of everyone's new ordinary, God wants us to see how much He is providing.  God wants us to offer to Him a sacrifice of praise and thanksgiving.  Life right now feels a bit boring, and yet, the disciples entered that Passover meal not realizing how ultimately significant it would become.  I see Jesus standing before me, and He's holding the bread.  His Holy Spirit is nudging mine with the truth that He has so much He wants to teach me and reveal to me in these moments.  And I need to take the first step; I need to express my gratitude for the myriad of things He is providing for me in these ordinary moments. 

Strong Obedience

I'm struggling today with obedience.  During my morning coffee with Jesus, He gave me several A-has!! that I knew I should share. I did typical morning things like exercising, showering, getting dressed, unloading the dishwasher, eating breakfast and catching up on the news.  I bemoaned the rain to my husband, I sorted and began doing laundry, I checked Facebook, Instagram and my email several times, and I allowed myself to get sucked into a game I've recently downloaded onto my phone.  I kept hearing God nudge me and I said (too many times) "just one more game."  It's a bit ironic that following through with obedience to blog is my struggle today since I the A-has the Holy Spirit gave me were from the story of Abraham being willing to sacrifice Isaac. 

The story is found in Genesis 22:1-19, and in the story Abraham shows amazing willingness and follow-through in the concept of obedience.  I most definitely didn't follow the example he left this morning.  And God is gracious and forgiving, for which I am exceedingly grateful.  The lesson of strong obedience is difficult for me.  Some might describe Abraham's obedience as blind because he went where God told him to go when he didn't know where he was going (Genesis 12:1) and he was willing to sacrifice his only son without knowing how God would fulfill the promise He had given Abraham to make him the father of many nations (Genesis 17:4).  I think Abraham saw what I evidently struggle to see.  Abraham had an ability to see that God is, that God is sovereign, that God is worthy of all worship, that God can be trusted whatever the circumstance. God revealed three fresh insights to me as I read His story of Abraham. 

The first thing God's Holy Spirit pointed out to me is found in Genesis 22:2.  God gave Abraham the instruction to offer Isaac as a burnt offering.  God revealed He knew Abraham well because He knows Abraham sees Isaac as his only son, even though Abraham is the father of Ishmael as well.  God also identifies that he recognizes how deeply Abraham loves Isaac.  And yet, God tells Abraham to give his son over as a sacrifice "on one of the mountains I will tell you about."  God asks Abraham to follow through on an excruciating step of obedience and doesn't even give the full details of the obedience up front. If I had been Abraham I would have had a ton of questions!  They would've flowed from my mouth like a dam that had burst, with probably the same intensity!  God's word only says that Abraham got up early the next morning to do what God asked.  I may not have asked a multitude of questions this morning as to why God wanted me to share what He revealed to me, but I certainly didn't immediately step forward in strong obedience.  So many times God has had to prod and remind me of what He has asked me to do, so many times I've questioned and presented possibilities before the Lord hoping for more clarification before I begin the task He's presented to me.  God's Holy Spirit revealed this truth to my heart:

 Strong obedience requires one to be in constant communication with God.

Perhaps God doesn't always provide all the details because He knows we need to listen carefully to Him all along the way. 

The second A-ha! God's Holy Spirit gave me was found in verse 5. "Then Abraham said to his young men, 'Stay here with the donkey.  The boy and I will go over there to worship; then we'll come back to you.' "  I was struck by the phrase "go over there to worship."  Abraham knew what God had asked of him, he knew what was to occur next and God had yet to reveal a different  plan.  God's Spirit spoke this truth:

Obedience is an act of worship.

Abraham recognized that God is worthy of whatever He asks of us.  God is holy, righteous and sovereign.  There is no one greater, no name higher.  I think I get caught up in the idea that worship is singing a praise song to God and connecting on some emotional level.  There is worship in praising and worship is so much more.  Worshiping recognizes the worth of another and is willing to go to whatever lengths to honor and revere the one who is worshiped.  God Almighty is the Creator of all, the King over all kings, the Lord above every other lord.  No one is greater.  He is the I AM, the One and Only.  To truly worship one as great as our God requires me to sacrifice anything and everything He asks, or I'm declaring He isn't worth more than what I want or think. 

The final A-ha! God's Spirit revealed to me was found in the footnotes for verse 14 (don't you just love that the Holy Spirit can use anything?!).  In verse 14, Abraham names the place where God provided a ram for sacrifice and rescued Isaac The Lord will Provide, or Yahweh-yireh.  The second half of the verse reads, "…so today it is said: 'It will be provided on the Lord's mountain.' "  The foot note says that the phrase "it will be provided" can also  be translated "He will be seen." What God provided was God revealing Himself to be seen. God's Spirit spoke powerfully to my soul with this truth:

God Himself is the Provider and the Provision.

It is so easy for me to bring my needs before God and look for the provision He provides.  I look for how He provides the finances for an unexpected bill; I look for His provision of patience so I can handle a difficult circumstance; I look for His provision of an extra blessing to encourage my downcast spirit; I look for His provision of courage so I can take a step of faith or obedience; I look for His provision of hope from His Word so I can remain steady in times of crisis.  God is so gracious  to provide each of those things.  The shift that the Holy Spirit challenged my heart to see is that I need to look for God Himself in what He provides and not just the provision.  He is my resource.  He is the answer to my every need. God provides for me by helping me to see Him more clearly, more often, more completely.

Somehow, Abraham was able to see God first, foremost, only over all his questions and concerns.  That ability to see God enabled Abraham to have strong obedience.  I journaled the following questions this morning:   Do I see God?  Am I looking?  Do I live out every choice from the belief that God is?  Do I recognize that God is with me right now; longing to interact with me right now; calling me to listen and obey right now?  Am I longing more to see the provision or to truly experience God? 

God is still teaching me strong obedience.  I'm still learning to focus less on God's actual provision and more on the fact that God's provision enables me to see Him.  I'm recognizing that God wants me to lean on Him continually, so it's okay if I don't always know what's next.  The more I lean, the more I see God, the greater my worship.  He is worthy. 

Fresh A-has!

Have you noticed that our culture is currently caught between two extremes of reaching out to help others in need, and selfishly stockpiling items in fear of not having enough.  The two extremes can even easily come from the very same person, who doesn't recognize the discrepancy.  How do I know?  God has been clearly pointing out to me my own regular, daily, selfish behavior.  I haven't been stockpiling, and I have still bought more than I need of some things (don't begrudge me my sweet and salty popcorn). This morning God spoke as I read the story of Jesus feeding the five thousand. The Holy Spirit presented some fresh "A-has!" and then He nudged my spirit to seek forgiveness and pray for more committed obedience. 

A-ha #1:  I am like the disciples.  Jesus tells the disciples in Matthew 14:16 "They don't need to go away.  You give them something to eat."  There is a LARGE crowd.  It's late in the day, and it's most definitely dinner time.  The disciples think Jesus should dismiss the crowd so that they can go find something to eat.  I totally get their plan.  After all, the disciples recognized the crowd  was hungry and they came up with a workable idea.  They aren't asking them to sit through another story, or just hang on a bit longer. I think the disciples were being practical and pro-active, especially since being in charge of handling big problems is way out of my wheelhouse.  I would've been happy to give the hungry crowd some encouragement, suggest dining options, or even suggest quick easy meals to make once they got home.  I can be full of random information like that.  As you read on in the story, the disciples give excuses to Jesus after his declaration.  I would've offered excuses, I understand completely the arguments the disciples present to Jesus and I've often thought they were valid!  And Jesus doesn't budge from His original idea: the people don't need to go away, the disciples need to feed them.   The Holy Spirit nudged me to begin to consider what Jesus has asked of me and I've worked to wiggle out of it with "valid excuses."  For example:  I'm not to just come up with great ideas to help other people during our current culture of isolation; I'm to be involved.  When someone I know needs a helping hand, I need to stop spouting excuses and listen to what Jesus is asking me to do. 

A-ha #2:  Jesus didn't ask the disciples to do everything on their own.  Jesus didn't go through a step by step process with them of how to do a miracle.  He didn't ask, did you pray for more food?  What's in your pockets?  What resources are available to you?   That final question is the big one: what are your resources?  Sure, the disciples found some bread and fish, small resources to be sure.  Their main resource was Jesus.  Jesus wasn't expecting them to do it all on their own.  I wonder if in his mind Jesus was thinking: "Hello?!  Dudes!  Did you forget again who I am?  Have you still not grasped that I've got this miracle thing in the bag?  Nothing is impossible for me!"  I know I've forgotten that truth in the past.  I see my limited resources and I think, "God don't ask me!.  I don't have enough for such a big task!"  I don't consider God's ability to do the impossible as my number one resource.  Jesus never asks me to do anything on my own.  He's standing there waiting, patiently, for me to bring what I have and say, "okay, what do WE do next Jesus?" 

A-ha #3: I need to remember the leftovers.  In the story it says that "everyone ate and was satisfied," (verse 20) and then the disciples went around and picked up a bunch of leftovers.  I've always wondered what they did with those 12 baskets of leftovers?  Was that their lunch for the next several days?  Did they pass them out to large families?  Did they provide lunch for a new crowd the next day?  The Holy Spirit spoke to my spirit: there are always leftovers.  As I thought about that concept I realized when I teach a class, I offer God my time and energy to study and prepare.  Then I teach the class, or distribute, what God has provided.  The class participates and I glean new insight, leftovers.  Plus there is the information I learned in studying that I never teach, more leftovers.  When I help a friend, I bring God my willingness and skill set.  He provides the time needed to help, extra resources and energy.  I walk away with the leftovers of feeling purposeful, satisfied and grateful to be chosen and used.

I don't have to feed a big crowd today.  I don't even have to feed a small crowd!  And I need to be willing to do whatever Jesus declares.  He's not backing down in providing for those in my corner of the world; it's who He is.  He is the provider.  He is the one who relentlessly pursues.  He is the one who is seeking the lost and asking me to be part of His team of reconciliation. I need to stop giving excuses, rest in the truth that Jesus is my best resource, and then I need to look for the leftovers that God will provide.

Living in the In-Between

We are currently in an "in-between season." The weather has warmed enough that it doesn't feel like it is still winter.  And it hasn't changed enough for it to be declared spring.  A coat is needed as I go to work, and I can crack my car's moon roof open on the drive home.  I'm drawn to the idea of grilling, but when the wind kicks up, it's still very brisk standing out on our deck.  I'm assuming we won't get any more snow, and the flowers still haven't poked through the soil.   It's an in-between season. 

I've noticed my heart has felt a bit in-between as well.  The joy and hoopla of Christmas is over, and we've entered the serious business of Lent.  The joy and celebration of Easter is still weeks away.  I know that the purpose of Lent is to prepare one's heart for the power of the resurrection.  It's a time designed to help Christians remember their desperate need for a Savior.  For 40 days, the same number of days Jesus was tempted, we participate in activities to help our hearts focus more completely on the sacrifice that Christ made on our behalf.

I have participated in Lent in various ways over the years.  Some years I have fasted something to help draw me into the presence of God.  Some years I have added an additional habit to each day, again with the purpose to draw me into the presence of God.  I generally join the choir in  preparations of an Easter celebration.  Some years I know that I have truly experienced God in a powerful way. Some years I gain a fresh perspective of all God has done 

                                                                                 for me, or a deeper understanding of who I am and where I tend to fall short.  

Lately, I've struggled to connect to my Lent experience.  I read God's Word and I can see how good God is.  I am strengthened by the scriptures that tell me of His overwhelming love and continued faithfulness to me.  God graciously grants me wisdom and encouragement which enables me to engage in my day and my world in a way that would please Him.  And I lack passion; it just all feels very practical.

I'm not sure why I'm anti-practical.  Practicality is actually quite helpful; I guess my heart just longs for more.  I don't want to gauge my spiritual walk  on my feelings and, I admit, I want to truly feel God.  Just one day after mentally labeling my spiritual condition as "in-between," , my morning devotional was about transformation and the in-between phase from fixer-upper to finished remodel.  I became strongly aware of the Holy Spirit's movement in my life.  All of a sudden, those wonky feelings I was experiencing and the longing for more than practicality seemed purposeful.

Another day passed and I sat down to read a bit in a book I'm processing through.  This time the idea that jumped out was connected to a phrase I had read in my previous morning's devotional.  I paraphrased in my journal, "everything is redeemable." 

God's Spirit clarified some things and I saw why I'm living "in-between." I struggle to accept and fully believe that everything in my life is redeemable.  I can easily believe it for others.  After all, I'm convinced we serve a very BIG God.  And I doubt my own worthiness to be redeemed.  You need to know that as I type that statement I recognize its incongruence.  I know the truth that God redeems from His own love and grace.  I can't do anything to earn God's favor.  Jesus died, paying the price for my redemption because I am completely and utterly incapable.  And yet I have some messed up inner perception that says I'm supposed to be better than others, not as needy as most, somewhere on the scale closer to perfection than not.  Have you ever been there?  Have you ever thought to yourself: I should've done better; Why can't I get it right?; I'm not being positive enough, hopeful enough, nice enough, bold enough; I'm supposed to be able to do all things for heaven's sake! 

I admit I carried God's gracious and faithful reminder that, through Him, everything is redeemable in my head but not in my heart for several more days.  I could see the Truth, I could even rationalize how amazing the Truth is; and I couldn't seem to plant that Truth deep into the soil of my heart where it would truly help me.  Then God's Spirit spoke to me through Micah 6:6-8. 

         

          What should I bring before the Lord when I come to bow before God on high? Should

          I come before Him with burnt offerings, with year-old calves? Would the Lord be pleased

          with thousands of rams or with ten thousand streams of oil? Should I give my firstborn 

          for my transgression, the offspring of my body for my own sin?  Mankind, he has told

          each of you what is good and what it is the Lord requires of you: to act justly, to love 

          faithfulness, and to walk humbly with your God

I listed out things that I might actually bring to God since I don't normally store year old calves, rams or streams of oil.  And I'm convinced that my firstborn, at 30 years of age, would fight me on being offered as a sacrifice.  As I looked at the list I created, I realized I had basically written out a to-do list. More understanding of my in-between state came over me.  I had made the things I believed God was asking me to do in service to Him the focus.  They were becoming a god to me; I was believing these acts were going to give me purpose, peace, fulfillment, comfort and acceptance.  When I struggled to follow through on my to-do list I was beating myself up, tearing myself down, and basically feeling miserable.  God was telling me, everything is redeemable, because that's who He is. 

God whispered to my heart: I'm calling you to a deeper love.  I want you to truly be aware of my presence every moment of every day. I have things for you to do, and I want you to do them every single time from a heart and attitude of worship.

I'm working to create new habits throughout my day so that my focus is on walking humbly with my God.  I'm leaning into Him, I'm working to be honest with the Spirit when I realize I'm struggling, humbling myself so that I recalibrate my focus.  I'm recognizing that some days I need to have a quiet time in the middle of the day as well as in the morning.  I need to sit with Jesus and know His presence intimately to give me strength, wisdom and vision for what is to occur next.  I'm striving to let go of how I perceive I am to be, and allow God to use and redeem the offering I have to give at that particular point in time.  And I know God is honoring me in the in-between.  "…This is the Lord's declaration.  I will look favorably on this kind of person: one who is humble, submissive in spirit, and trembles at my word." (Isaiah 66:2).  

My God will redeem the in-between.

God's Generosity

Don't you love it when someone is generous to you?  Perhaps someone pays for your coffee when you go through the drive through. Perhaps you are surprised with a bouquet of spring flowers. Perhaps someone in your house actually loads the dishwasher, runs it, and then unloads it without being asked! I am a firm believer in the idea that life is enriched when, in the middle of every day activities, someone acts generously toward someone else.  I believe both people are impacted, and God smiles.

I read the parable of the vineyard workers the other morning in my time with Jesus.  It's a familiar story to me. A group  of workers are hired in the morning to work in a vineyard.  They make an agreement with the vineyard owner that they will work the entire day for one denarius, basically a typical day's wage.   The vineyard owner goes back to the marketplace several times during the day and finds more people to work in his vineyard and he sends them out to his field.  He does that almost up to quitting time.  At the end of the day, all the workers are paid.  They are all paid the same wage; every worker received the one denarius, regardless of the time of day they started.  As one expects, the initial group of workers hired feel they are treated unfairly.  They state the truth that they worked all day out in the sun and heat.  Their argument is that surely they should be compensated with a slightly higher wage.  The vineyard owner reminds them that they agreed to work the whole day in the sun and heat for one denarius.  The wage they received is fair. The vineyard owner says, "Friend, I'm doing you no wrong. Didn't you agree with me on a denarius? Take what's yours and go. I want to give this last man the same as I gave you.  Don't I have the right to do what I want with what is mine?  Are you jealous because I am generous?"

I saw myself in those workers. I remembered a number of times I have had a similar conversation with God.  'Why is someone younger than me having such success?  I've put in my dues, why am I still struggling to achieve the dreams I have?'  'Why didn't that opportunity come to me Lord?  I've been faithful!  Why was that person chosen?'  'I'm available Lord! Why aren't you using me in the ways I've been wired?  I keep offering myself. Why do I feel left on the shelf?'  Have you ever been there? 

I stared at the words, "Are you jealous because I'm generous?"  I had to honestly answer with a whispered "yes."  The Holy Spirit began to remind me of Biblical truth: ALL good gifts come from God; He is Sovereign, so He has the right to do what He wants with what is His; He is all wise, so He knows what is best for each person; He is the Landowner, so it's all about Him and not about me; God is faithful and He has generously provided salvation, peace, joy and eternity in His presence; God is love and He loves me with an overwhelming, excessive love.  With each truth brought to mind I began to realize how very generous God has been and continues to be to me.  The problem doesn't lie with God. The problem lies with me.

Mark 7:21 and 22 says, "For from within, out of people's hearts come evil thoughts, sexual immoralities, thefts, murders, adulteries, greed, evil actions, deceit, self-indulgence, envy, slander, pride and foolishness." I admit I have a tendency to skim over verses like these because they begin with behaviors and habits that don't describe me.  I haven't felt murderous since I shared a room with my sister, and I'm truly too fearful of the risk of being caught to ever steal something.  It's the concepts at the end of the list that stick it to me: greed, self-indulgence, envy, slander, pride and foolishness.  Comfort and ease is my Achilles heel and they encourage my selfishness to grab control where I have no business being in charge. Thankfully I also find myself in Ephesians 2:10, "For we are his workmanship created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared ahead of time for us to do."  Sadly I make more work for the Holy Spirit when I get my eyes on what I perceive I deserve.  I imagine that God has had to be very creative in forming a masterpiece out of the pieces I leave Him.  

I get caught up in comparing myself to others.  I end up feeling insecure, ineffectual and worthless.  So I come to God expecting Him to bolster me up by being generous in some way that I have already decided will make me feel better about myself.  In the parable the vineyard owner and the workers agreed upon a wage.  This question popped into my mind: What have God and I agreed upon?  I accept His gift of grace and receive eternal life and a restored relationship with Him.  I choose to call Him Lord and Savior, and He makes me a new creation, a masterpiece.  I follow the example of Jesus and the instructions He gives to Kingdom followers and He provides peace, joy and fulfilled purpose.  I choose to trust Him to provide for all my needs, He gets to choose how that will happen.  I choose to believe He is who He says He is and He strengthens me, encourages me, empowers my faith, and pours out His love and acceptance on me.  I saw that God is generous to me, and still I felt a struggle in my spirit.  On that particular morning I had a Barre class to attend, so I got dressed, grabbed my water bottle and jumped in my car.  As I was driving across town, the song Holy Water, by We the Kingdom, came on the radio. The song put into words what my spirit struggled to confess out loud:

God, I'm on my knees again

God, I'm begging please again

I need You

Oh, I need You

Walking down this desert road

Water for my thirsty soul

I need You

Oh, I need You…

Your forgiveness

Is like sweet, sweet honey

On my lips

Like the sound of a symphony

To my ears

Like holy water on my skin

On my skin

I don't wanna abuse Your grace

God, I need it every day

It's the only thing that ever really

Makes me wanna change

I don't wanna abuse Your grace

God, I need it every day

God gently reminded me that everything was okay between us because He was offering me His grace.  He was being generous to me in the way I needed it most.  I heard his sweet voice whisper, "Friend, I am doing you no wrong."  He is trustworthy.  He is faithful.  He loves me.  He is a good, good Father.  And He is generous to me. 

Clouded Peace

I was scrolling Instagram and came across a post by @jenschmidt_beautyandbedlam.  She had posted a picture of one of those letter board signs that read "30 days hath September, April, June and November, all the rest have 31, except February alone. . . and January which has 79." Oh man, that's how I felt about January. It's not like February is holding some magic that I just can't wait to get into. January wasn't overwhelming and awful.  It just felt l - o - n - g.  SO. VERY. LONG.

January was a 5 week month.  I know that sounds odd, because it's not like there were really 35 days in the month, or 79!  January began on a Wednesday and it ended on a Friday.  In my budgeting and scheduling, it works out to 5 weeks.  Five trips to the grocery store. Five laundry event days.  The month's surplus funds had to be divided by five, not four.  Sadly, there were still only 4 weekends in the month and not five.. 

The cloudy skies added to the feeling of the month just dragging us into the year once the initial hoopla was over.  The clouds wouldn't bother me so much if they came with large white flakes that made everything look soft and pretty for awhile.  Nor would they bother me if flowers started popping from the ground, but flowers this early would just be nuts.  I don't mind still wearing my sweaters and boots.  And I miss  blue skies and sunshine.  I'm not convinced February will be much different, but maybe… 

I found myself feeling "grumpy" with a lack of motivation.  I just wanted to binge watch whatever and eat lots of popcorn.  Cooking became a chore. Even coming up with new outfit ideas to wear,  which normally counts as a "win!" in my book, didn't feel like much fun. And I kept coming across the phrase, "the peace of God."  In particular, I kept reading and re-reading, through various sources and from different avenues, Colossians 3:15.  "And let the peace of Christ, to which you were also called in one body, rule your hearts.  And be thankful."  God's peace is to rule in my heart.  God's peace is to be the governing force, the top of the food chain, the owner of the desk where the buck stops.  God's peace is to govern everything I do, every attitude I choose, every thought I dwell upon.  God's peace is to dictate how I perceive my days, my time, and my opportunities. 

In the reality of my life, the struggle between January's dragging days and God's peace ruling, was almost tangible.  I didn't stormed through the house on a rampage. And I was short tempered with my husband.  I didn't curled up in my bed, hiding under the covers. And I avoided pushing for conversation and relationship.  I didn't stopped exercising or making healthy dinners.  And I ate donuts regularly and sneaked too many peanut M&Ms.  I didn't slept in on Sunday mornings and I continued to have my morning quiet times.  And I avoided writing, being disobedient to share what God revealed to me.  I allowed God to speak and move.  And yet I also held Him at a distance.  Honest confession: I wanted God's peace to look like what I would choose, and I sensed what I wanted wasn't going to be His choice.  So I struggled with releasing control. Ever been there? 

For God's peace to rule, I have to trust who God is.  I have to believe He is who He says He is, and that He really does ~ always ~ work for my best.  Exodus 34:6 says, '…"The Lord -- the Lord is a compassionate and gracious God, slow to anger and abounding in faithful love and truth."  Isaiah 43:1-3a says, "Now this is what the Lord says -- the one who created you, Jacob, and the one who formed you, Israel -- 'Do not fear, for I have redeemed you; I have called you by your name; you are mine.  I will be with you when you pass through the waters, and when you pass through the rivers, they will not overwhelm you.  You will not  be scorched when you walk through the fire; and the flame will not burn you.  For I am the Lord your God, the Holy one of Israel, and your Savior.'"

God declares in those verses that He is the One to save me. Every time I need Him, He is available and He is more than able to be my Savior.  He doesn't like it when I'm grumpy and disobedient, and He remains compassionate and gracious toward me because that is who He is.  I don't need to be afraid that He's going to reject me, turn me away, or yell at me for being such a mess. He is my Redeemer.  He has called me by my name; I belong to Him. 

God was faithful to me throughout the long days of January.  He did His part to get my attention, to remind me of truth, so that I could be at peace.  January was long because I was unwilling to humble myself and accept Gods complete rule so that peace could reign.  February began with rain, but the clouds that were hovering in my heart are being lifted.  I'm focusing my eyes and my obedience on the truth of who God is.  He is my Redeemer.  I am His, and He is mine.  He is full of compassion toward me and He is exceedingly gracious.  He loves me and I am choosing to allow His peace to rule.