Battling Fear

I have become aware in my life that I have somehow allowed fear to take up residence.  I haven't normally classified myself as a fearful person; I have no problems speaking in front of a crowd, I generally like to go to new places, I enjoy meeting new people.  I haven't ever claimed the title of risk-taker, but fear hasn't been an emotion I have consistently been familiar with...  until now. 
No one in my life is sick or dying.  No one has lost a job. No one is living in a way that puts their life in danger.  I am safe, protected, provided for and loved.  There seems to be no rational reason for me to be fearful of anything.  And yet, I am.
I've started reading a book that has "activities" to do while reading it.  The book is designed to help me grow personally as well as grow my business.  I've come to a point in the book where it wants me to define some elements of my business, create goals and vision.  My heart is doing flip flops.  I am afraid.  I'm afraid of failing; of not doing what God wants me to do; of spinning my wheels and not living a life of purpose; of not having a purpose at all; of being nominal; of being rejected; of having to do too much of whatever that will remove any element of fun to my life; of it all being too hard...
I know I am not to fear.  I am more than aware that God's Word clearly declares "do not fear, I am with you." I know God is with me, He is being so very tender, gentle and loving.  And I so desperately don't want to disappoint this God who sent Jesus, His precious son, to die so that I could have a relationship with Him. I don't want to fail the very one who has redeemed me and given me hope.
I've learned that fear is subtle.  It sneaks in disguised as "wise choices," or "choosing to be reasonable."   Fear has wiggled it's way so cleverly into my subconscious that I have become hesitant to see the opportunities in front of me with wonder and anticipation.  Instead I question too much and then I freeze. 
If you were to see me, watch me, this fear isn't abundantly evident.  I don't glance furtively at strangers, jump at every noise or have a wild-eyed look about me that freaks out small children. I leave my house, interact with people, and go about the business of living.  And yet I know that God has "more" for me and I find myself fighting to joyously move into what He is calling me toward. I struggle to even define what that "more" is for fear that I just might be choosing the wrong thing.
This morning I read the story of Jesus praying in the garden before He was arrested.  I wondered if the human part of Jesus was battling fear like I've been; afraid of what the next step in His life would cost Him, afraid of all the "what ifs." I found comfort and hope as I read God's Word.  God reminded me that Jesus came asking more than once and God is okay with my questions, concerns and even fear.  God gets where I am.  There is no condemnation, no judgment.  God loves me and He wants to use me.  God reminded me that Jesus knew what needed to be done AND it was hard to go through with the decision,  The New Living Translation even says that Jesus grieved and felt crushed (Matt 26:38). Feeling emotionally overwhelmed doesn't negate the truth that God has a plan.  God reminded me that I needed to "keep watch and pray so that [I] will not give into temptation. For the spirit is willing, but the body is weak" (Matt 26:41). Some decisions, some choices are hard to follow through on. I need to be praying and then praying so more so that I have the inner fortitude to live out what God is asking of me.
God has continued to speak to my heart.  The songs that have randomly played on Pandora as I got dressed this morning reminded me over and over that God is a really big God.  He is the one on the throne.  Nothing is impossible for this God that I serve.  Do I know yet all the ways I am to move forward.  No, I do not.  Do I feel confident? No, I do not.  Do I have clarity?  No, I do not.  Do I know that God is with me? Yes, I do.  Do I know, with out question, that God is bigger than my fears? Rationally, yes I do.  Emotionally, I am still battling.  AND I am aligning my mind with God's truth.  "Have I not commanded you? Be strong and of good courage; do not be afraid, nor be dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go" (Joshua 1:9). The battle belongs to the Lord.  And nothing, absolutely nothing, is bigger than my God.  To Him be all the glory. 

Habitual Occupation

I experienced one of summer's greatest enemies today, the razor.  I happily took my shower this morning, enjoying the cool water lowering my body temperature after a hard work out.  I knew I was going to wear shorts so decided shaving my legs was a wise choice.  I finished my shower, grabbed my towel and stepped out.  That's when I noticed a small clot of blood congealing right on my ankle.  I stared at in a a curious fascination.  Normally, I react with a "Man! I nicked myself again!" (obviously the razor and I do not have a friendly relationship.)  Today I wondered at the reality that my body, without me even being aware, was creatively protecting itself.  I didn't have to put on a small tissue, nor a band aid.  Amazing. I was struck by the truth that God had so marvelously made my body that it worked to heal itself. 

I recently have spent some time studying the story of Noah and his really cool big boat.  One of the things that has remained with me from the story is the statement that Noah walked with God.  When I studied that phrase, I discovered a commentary that made this statement in regards to Noah walking with God: “The remarkable phrase, used only of Enoch and of Noah, implies a closer relation than the other expression, 'To walk before God.' Communion, the habitual occupation of mind and heart with God, the happy sense of His presence making every wilderness and solitary place glad because of Him, the child's clasping the father's hand with his tiny fingers, and so being held up and lifted over many a rough place, are all implied.” (Alexander Macleran, The Book of Genesis)  The idea of a habitual occupation of mind and heart with God has captured me.  Oh how I want that!  And it struck me this morning, as I wondered at the creativity of God and the results of my conflict with a razor that, by the grace of God,  I have moved a step closer to being habitually occupied with God in my mind and heart.

I am a swirl of wonder, peace, excitement, contentment, anticipation, joy and satisfaction.  I am in awe of the wonder of God and how He chooses to work.  Today, I am thankful for the temporary scar on my ankle.  It's reminding me of the the goodness of God to me.