Seeing Fruit

In the new world of Zoom, I've hit a major wall of frustration.  The camera on my laptop is giving me fits.  I happily log into meetings on Zoom, anticipating the connection with people I know and appreciate.  I see their sweet faces and then see my screen black where my face should be.  I want to interact with my face and not just my voice, I want others to see my expressions and my reactions, and I'm struggling to get my computer to cooperate.  I've gone through all the steps to trouble shoot the problem and still am unable to get my camera to work consistently.  It seems there is no rhyme or reason to why it works some moments and other moments be completely inoperative. 

I spent several hours yesterday, as did my sweet husband, going through various hoops to figure out the best solution.  We eliminated several possibilities so I suppose that's progress.  I hit a point though where I was emotionally spent.  I felt dumb, my brain couldn't seem to figure out new possibilities and I had no understanding of what had already been accomplished.  My husband knew I was done as well; he was gentle and kind, giving me space as I needed and hugs as I needed.  I set aside working on it and we watched some episodes of The Saint to relax.  I went to bed believing that in the morning I would awaken with a refreshed spirit.

This morning, when I got up, my body was refreshed, but my spirit was still tired.  I felt like the Psalmist when he says, "Why, my soul, are you downcast? Why so disturbed within me?..." (Psalm 42:5).  Rationally I knew it was just video on Zoom.  It wasn't life threatening, I could still do what I needed to do, and yet it was holding me in a grasp that I found difficult to break free from.  I grabbed my cup of coffee and sat in my chair to meet with Jesus.  The passage of the morning was Galatians 5:22-25, the fruit of the Spirit. 

God's Holy Spirit began to nudge me.  Since the passage is so familiar I didn't feel the usual tug to do word studies or background references.  I know that the traits listed as fruit of the Spirit are evidences of Jesus in my life.  The Holy Spirit prompted me to beginning journaling how I perceived spiritual fruit would appear in my current circumstance.  God's Spirit began to speak to my spirit and I began to write.

     *love others even if I feel sad, frustrated, downcast

     *care about them: rejoice with them over things that excite them, be willing to listen (even

       though I feel like hiding in my room all alone)

     *rejoice, express joy, over the  truth that I am covered in grace

     *have joy because I know Jesus has redeemed me, and His Holy Spirit lives in me

     *have an attitude of peace; trust God, look for ways God is showing up in my circumstance

     *respond with patience; trust the truth that God knows best, and His timing is perfect

     *be gentle with myself, don't set unrealistic expectations

     *be gentle with others; do not take my negative emotions out on others

     *be willing to be helpful even if I want to stomp my feet and be selfish

     *be truly interested in another person's immediate need, even if I don't feel as if my immediate

       need is being met as I imagined

     *remind my heart and anchor my emotions in  the truth that God sees me and knows me, and the

       circumstance I am experiencing

     *Rest in the truth that God is my portion and He is always enough

     *take every thought captive so that all I dwell on is anchored in the truth of who God is and who

       He says I am

     *seek to treat others as Jesus would treat them, not lashing  out or treating them reactively from

       my frustrated emotions

God's Spirit continued to nudge my heart as I read "Now those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the flesh with its passions and desires."  Again God prompted me to journal how I perceived this would look in my current circumstance.  The Holy Spirit spoke to my spirit and I began to write out a list in response to "if I a crucifying the flesh with it's passions and desires…"  

     *I'm not making everything about me and how I feel

     *I'm not taking my frustration out on others, especially my spouse

     *I'm not shopping online to just buy things with the hope that I'll feel better

     *I'm not eating whatever I want without consideration to my health or my health goals

     *I'm willing to pause in the middle of whatever and allow God's Spirit to confront me, mold me

     *I'm choosing to look outward toward loving others

     *I'm listening to the Spirit and how He wants to make the most of my day

     *I'm choosing to believe today holds the wonder of God.  I need to be alert and seek His Wonder

       with anticipation

The passage in Galatians then tells the believer to "keep in step with the Spirit."  The Holy Spirit then graciously reminded me of the truth in Psalms 139:5, "You hem me in behind and before, and you lay your hand on me."  God would do all He needed to do to help me, enable me, to remain in step with Him.  God Almighty is surrounding me today, every day.  He sees what is in front of me, and He knows what is trying to sneak up behind. And His hand is on me. He is beside me imparting His strength and belief in me.  He is standing with me and He wants me to be especially aware of His presence, His available wisdom, power and grace. 

I'm still having problems with Zoom.  I'm not back yet to my typical bouncy self.  And today is a good day.  I'm seeing the wonder of God.  I'm identifying His goodness to me in its various forms.  I'm actively participating in stepping forward with the Spirit.  The fruit of His presence is sweet. 

The First Step

In preparations for Easter, and honoring the fact that this is Holy Week, I read the story of Jesus' final Passover meal in the book of Matthew. It's a familiar passage; parts of it are often read or paraphrased when communion is served.  In His very gracious way, God revealed several new thoughts to my understanding of the passage.  One idea in particular has remained with me as I've gone through my morning tasks.

In Matthew 26:26 it says, "As they were eating, Jesus took bread, blessed and broke it, gave it to the disciples, and said, 'Take, and eat it; this is my body.'"  In the  past when I've read this passage, I've jumped to the significance of Jesus' words.  This morning God spoke to my heart through the first half of that short verse.

"As they were eating."  In the midst of the ordinary, Jesus changes everything.  The disciples were enjoying a traditional Passover meal.  They had probably already gone through the time-honored steps to relive the Israelites' escape from Egypt.  I imagine they were at a point of just enjoying one another's company.  Jesus then takes some bread, another ordinary event, and He begins to teach them something new. God does that often for me.  In the midst of the most ordinary settings, God steps in to teach me something new: about myself, about who He is, about what He wants for me, about how He changes the ordinary into something holy.

As I was thinking about my ordinary that God wants to inhabit, God directed my attention to the fact that Jesus picked up bread and before He began revealing new truth, He blessed it.  Jesus gave thanks for what was given, what was provided. Before Jesus enjoyed what was provided, He gave thanks.  Before He revealed fresh truth for the disciples, He expressed gratitude.  I thought about the story of Jesus feeding the five thousand and how he blessed the simple fish and bread of a young boy's lunch before He multiplied it.  Before a moment that introduced the idea of a new covenant to experience, Jesus expressed His gratefulness for what was provided. 

In the midst of a season that is not fun - in the middle of self-isolation and becoming too comfortable with one's own home - God nudged me to give thanks for what has been provided to me. Let me be clear: He wasn't just asking me to be thankful for things like food in my fridge, a comfortable home, and money to pay our bills. God reminded me that He has provided opportunities to be creative with my time, moments of quiet to reflect on my selfishness, more than enough time to come around to being obedient to what He asks of me, and an awareness that prayer is an active verb. He spoke to my heart and pointed out that blessing the provision is the first step.  God was asking me to be thankful for all the different aspects of my new way of living.  After the blessing, after realizing what has been given to me, after seeing God as my provider in all things and having a heart of true gratitude, only then am I ready to take the next step He has for me.  Perhaps He'll ask me to share what I've been provided.  Perhaps He'll work a miracle and multiply what I hold so that more can be given away than I could every imagine.  Perhaps He wants me to enjoy what He has provided, partake of gratitude and sustenance from His precious hand.   Perhaps He's going to provide a fresh experience that will reveal a new facet of who He is and how deeply He loves me. 

In the middle of everyone's new ordinary, God wants us to see how much He is providing.  God wants us to offer to Him a sacrifice of praise and thanksgiving.  Life right now feels a bit boring, and yet, the disciples entered that Passover meal not realizing how ultimately significant it would become.  I see Jesus standing before me, and He's holding the bread.  His Holy Spirit is nudging mine with the truth that He has so much He wants to teach me and reveal to me in these moments.  And I need to take the first step; I need to express my gratitude for the myriad of things He is providing for me in these ordinary moments.