Ask. Seek. Knock.

I'm in the midst of transition.  I am closing my home based business that I've had for the last 8 years.  It's been a great ride!  AND God has asked me to set that aside for something new.  I'm not yet sure what the "new" looks like and God is being patiently quiet on that account. He keeps nudging me to do what is necessary to finish what I've been involved with for this past season of my life. 

I often find myself at a loss.  I keep busy during the day.  I've begun to look for a part time job to fill any financial needs that could arise, but there's no heavy pressure or looming necessity for more funds.  I create a to-do list each day so that I don't fritter away my minutes endlessly scrolling Facebook and Instagram, or playing too many games on my phone while watching mindless TV.  At the end of each day I have a sense of accomplishment and gratitude for what the day has held.  All of that is good … and yet I sense there should be more. 

Several months ago when I first heard God tell me it was time to close up shop on my business and be prepared for something new, I began to dream and envision what that "new" might look like.  God graciously gave me a brief peek at what He was planning for me by giving me three words: encourage, equip and empower.  My imagination took wing and I created mental plans that did not receive God's immediate stamp of approval.  He remained silent.  I pulled back, even though I held tightly to the promise those three words held, reminding myself of what needed to be done first: shut the door on my business.

Days, weeks, months passed and as I am prone to do, I adapted to a new rhythm.  And with God remaining silent beyond  *close up shop,  *be prepared, *encourage, equip and empower, I slipped into an assumption that whatever God had planned wasn't BIG -- it was just a "new season in life."  I began to lose some excitement about what each day would hold. Life was becoming habitual, a bit mundane. 

And then, last Sunday night, in small group, we looked at a passage in Matthew 7  and verse 8 popped out into the forefront for me. "For everyone who asks, receives. Everyone who seeks, finds. And to everyone who knocks the door will be opened." The passage talks about if we as parents give good gifts to our kids, why in the world would we believe that God, who created us, wouldn't give good gifts to us, his precious children who He rescued and redeemed?  God began to nudge my heart that I needed to begin asking, and asking BIG.

For these last four days, God has emphasized that truth to my heart.  He reminded me of the story of Joshua and the sun standing still: Josh asked for something SUPER big, and God came through, because God wanted to use Joshua right where he was.  My memory verse for the week has remind me that I can ask for ANYTHING that comes to my heart and mind as I am intertwining my life with Christ's: "But if you remain in me and my words remain in you, you may ask for anything you want and it will be granted. When you produce much fruit you are my true disciples.  This brings great glory to my Father." (John 15:7,8) The verse, in Matthew 7, that had so grabbed my attention in small group, popped up as Bible Gateway's verse of the day and God whispered, "go ahead…. Ask.  Dream, imagine, seek, study…. ASK!"  The I read the story of Nehemiah asking King Artaxerxes if he would allow Nehemiah to go rebuild Jerusalem.  Nehemiah even asked for supplies and protection… and the King (who wasn't Jewish, and didn't really care about Jerusalem) agreed! Again, God whispered, "Ask! What burdens you, what are you dreaming will happen? ASK!"  I read the story of the leper who said to Jesus "if you are willing you can heal me and make me clean."  Jesus responded with "I am willing."  Again God faithfully whispered, "ASK!  How will you know if I am willing, if you don't ASK!  Seek what I have for you, long for it. Knock on doors, try things out and discover what I will do!"  Nehemiah asked for the moon and the leper believed Jesus could do the impossible.

Today God presented his plea again as I read Psalm 106. 

Verse 1: the Lord is good and His faithful love endures forever.

Verse 2-3: "Who can list the glorious miracles of the Lord?"

Verse 7-8: even though the children of Israel forgot God's many acts of kindness, He saved them

Verse 13: "Yet how quickly they forgot what he had done! They wouldn't wait for his counsel!"

Verse 24-25: the children of Israel REFUSED to enter the promised land because they wouldn't believe God's promise to care for them.  Instead, they grumbled and refused to obey.

Today, God's plea to "Ask!" came with correction.  I knew what God had spoken to my soul.  Was I forgetting God's many acts of kindness?  Was I refusing to enter what God was promising me?  Was I doubting that God wanted to use me, give me purpose and abundant life? Was I becoming jaded toward obedience because I wasn't thrilled with God's timing or His way of doing things?  I humbled my heart and I began to list the glorious miracles of God in my life.  A verse I had previously memorized came to mind: "As God's partners, we beg you not to accept this marvelous gift of God's kindness and ignore it.  For God said, 'When the time was right, I heard you.  When the day of salvation came, I helped you.' Indeed, the right time is now.  Today is the day of salvation." (2 Cor. 6:1,2) My heart was impressed again with the truth that I am not to ignore God's kindness, it IS a marvelous gift; God hears me; God has saved me and continues to save me.

As I prepared to pray, God reminded me of the story of the unjust judge that Jesus told and is recorded in Luke 18.  Verse 1 states, "One day Jesus told his disciples a story to show that they should always pray and never give up."  Yes, God whispered again, "Ask. Seek. Knock."  And so I did.  And I will continue, for I serve a BIG God, with grand ideas, who offers astonishing hope and purpose.  To God be the glory.

Convicted, Convinced, Concerned

I love coffee.  I love to play board games.  I love to decorate my house for the various seasons.  I love to camp and hike and explore God's beautiful world.  I'm passionate about being creative.  I can lose myself in making cards with my rubber stamps and collection of "stamping utensils."  I don't quilt, but I can wander a quilt store for hours and put fabrics together and just imagine.  I am thrilled to help my friends decorate or accessorize or brainstorm ideas for a new project.  I color with crayons and a coloring book, scrapbook with scissors and glue, and shop my closet for new outfits.  Being creative isn't just something I enjoy, it's who I am, it's part of my DNA. 

In Paul's first letter to the Corinthian church he talks about something he is passionate about, something that is ingrained in his soul, part of his DNA.  Paul was passionate over winning others to Jesus Christ.  He is so into evangelism that he declares  he would make himself "a slave to everyone, to win as many as possible."  (1 Corinthians 9:19) Can you imagine -- altering your day-to-day existence so that someone else (who you may not even know very well!) can be saved by the love and grace of Jesus Christ. 

As a believer in Jesus, one of His disciples, I am given the responsibility to reconcile others to God (2 Cor. 5:18).  I'm to live in such a way that my life reflects who Jesus is and help bring others to a point in their life where they can experience the joy and freedom of being part of the family of God (Phil 2:1-11).

I am to be involved with evangelism (Matthew 28:18-20).

Evangelism is a scary word to me, it makes me think of standing on a street corner and preaching to anyone who will listen.  Or I think of going door to door and sharing the "4 Spiritual Laws" or the "Roman Road" to people I have never met.  That's not really my jam.  I'd much rather be playing with my crafty tools and having a hey day with all sorts of colorful elements. And though the concepts that Paul projects in 1 Corinthians 9 are daunting, they are still doable, though I may need to creatively adapt a bit so that I can still live in my own skin.

I see three things in Paul that I can emulate, that I'm okay with, and can work with within the boundaries of my own personality.   First of all, Paul was convicted of the grace and truth of Jesus Christ.  Paul is somewhat of a bulldozer.  I would never want to get in an argument with him, I would end up in the corner crying! He doesn't just say what he believes, he declares it with force and confident assurance that it is absolute truth. In I Corinthians 1:18 Paul states, "For the message of the cross is foolishness to those who are perishing, but to us who are being saved it is the power of God." In verse 23, "… we preach Christ crucified: a stumbling block to Jews and foolishness to Gentiles" Paul then follows in the very next verse proclaiming Christ is the power and wisdom of God. In chapter 5, Paul professes Christ has been sacrificed as our Passover lamb (v.7); in chapter 6 he stresses "you were washed, you were sanctified, you were justified in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ…" (v.11); in chapter 6 and 7 he repeats "you were bought at a price." (6:20 and 7:23). Jesus Christ dramatically changed the person of Paul, so much so that God changed his name from Saul to Paul.  Jesus Christ rescued and redeemed Paul and restored him to a life of purpose. Nothing was going to change the conviction Paul had to be committed to his Lord and Savior.

Secondly, Paul was convinced he could make a difference.  Paul doesn't talk about hoping to win some for Christ.  He doesn't hem-haw around the issue, saying he might like to influence others some day.  In verse 19 of 1 Corinthians 9 he states, "…I make myself a slave to everyone, to win as many as possible"; verse 20, "… so as to win those under the law."  Paul tells his readers "I do not run aimlessly; I do not fight like a man beating the air" (verse 26). Paul acted in such a manner that you know, without question, that he  believed his actions would make a difference in some one's life. We make choices all  the time because we are convinced there will be a particular result: I drink coffee every morning convinced it will help wake me up; I exercise (even though I don't like it) convinced it will help keep me capable and moving as my body ages; I make cards and mail them to others convinced it will encourage and uplift; I avoid too many carbohydrates convinced it will help keep my weight in balance.  I am convinced you are no different, you make choices convinced of a certain outcome.  Paul was convinced that when he shared the good news of Jesus Christ, God would use it for His glory, and people would be saved just as he had been. 

The third thing I see is that Paul was concerned for those around him.  He didn't just choose a specific group of people that he was willing to interact with and share with.  He didn't stick with those who were similar to him, with the same heritage, and general view of life.  Paul cared enough for each person he encountered that he was literally willing to give things up if that would help him relate better to the person he was sharing Christ with.  I believe Paul's concern grew out of the truth that he was convicted over the goodness of God, and he believed each person should receive the opportunity to be overwhelmed with God's abundant blessing, just as he had been.  Paul, the bulldozer dude, cared. 

Paul displayed three characteristics when he evangelized: he was convicted of the truth; he was convinced he could make a difference; and he was truly concerned for those he encountered.  Even as I write down what I discovered, I'm left with a question hanging in the air.  Where am I falling short?  Am I as overwhelmingly convicted of the truth that Jesus Christ died for me, redeemed me and rescued me? Am I convicted to the core that Jesus offers me amazing and abundant grace so that I can have a relationship with God Almighty.  Am I convicted by the truth that Jesus did something for me that I could never in a million years do for myself, and what's been given to me is exactly what my soul longs for?  Am I convinced I can make a difference?  Do I believe God is big enough, trustworthy enough to take what I do and say and use it to influence someone to move one step closer to knowing acceptance, freedom and unfailing love?  Am I concerned for those around me; deeply caring for their eternal soul?  Do I want more for those in my sphere of influence than a good day, or a happy life?  I have come to the conclusion that if I feel I am lacking in concern for others, or in confidence to make a difference, it stems from my lack of conviction that Jesus has saved me from a horror beyond my imagination.  If I am short on conviction it's because I've lost a passion for what Christ has done for  me. That's where I need to begin: encountering again the grace and goodness of God, being overwhelmed by the truth of who He is in power and glory, and recognizing that I am literally nothing without Him. 

Living out Jesus' Plan

I have grown up being told Bible stories.  I have experienced flannel graph, records (actual records!) of Bible stories being told, Sunday School, church services, The Bible Man cassette tapes, Veggie tales on VHS and more.  I have heard the story of Jesus feeding the 5,000 with a boys lunch numerous times.  I have listened and read scholars, pastors and teachers talk about giving Jesus whatever we have and watch Him multiply what we offer.  I have been encouraged by the story; I have wondered over how it really all went down; and I've imagined facial expressions and reactions of all those involved.

I recently read this very familiar story in Matthew 14.  There was this huge crowd that Jesus had compassion on. It was probably a mishmash of people: all different ages, sizes, social and political standings.  Within the large group, cliques were probably formed as some people desperately tried to avoid other people.  It didn't phase Jesus.  He saw them all as needing help.  He mingled with them and healed the sick.  I imagined he chatted with many, struck up a variety of conversations, listened intently to their individual hearts, encouraged them and loved them.  It was an all day affair of Jesus investing in person after person after person.  The disciples began to realize it was close to dinner time and after a quick consultation among themselves they realized they were low on excess funds, and no one had thought ahead to how this day would play out.  They brainstormed various options and proceeded to suggest to Jesus that they send the crowds away so they could all go dig up their own grub.  The disciples were concerned for the crowd, and themselves since hungry crowds can quickly become unruly.  Their idea was practical, sensible and do-able. Perhaps they were even quite satisfied with themselves for being so thoughtful as to recognize that dinner time was just around the corner and surely everyone was hungry. 

My guess is Jesus didn't even hesitate with his answer: "Oh, don't send them away!  Why don't you feed them!"  I can imagine the disciples discomfort since I have experienced my spouse telling me after church on a Sunday morning, "I invited a new couple over for dinner, do we have enough food?"  I have felt a mixture of emotional responses that range from "YOU DID WHAT???!!";  to recognizing that hospitality IS the Christian thing to do; to wondering if I'll even like this couple; to resignation and mentally figuring out how I can quickly thaw out more chicken, or  make more potatoes than what is already cooking at home on timed bake.  I imagine they felt a bit trapped because they just couldn't tell Jesus no.

Jesus gave them a goal to feed everyone but he didn't give them a step by step plan.  He gave them some wiggle room to use their imagination and their particular skill set.  Obviously not one of them was Martha Stewart, but they were somewhat resourceful in finding a young boy willing to share his lunch. When you read the story it doesn't say that Jesus told them to feed everyone and then he went off and did his own thing.  It's not as if Jesus handed them this big responsibility and then left them to it.  Jesus remained available.  Jesus was ready to meet the needs not only of the hungry crowd, but also of the now somewhat flabbergasted group of disciples.  Jesus remained available to them after challenging them and I find some comfort in that -- in the moment, I'm not sure the disciples did. I imagine that when they came to Jesus to tell Him they had five loaves and two fish they were a bit annoyed and frustrated with Him.  I'm not sure the tone of their voice was completely respectful and I sincerely doubt they were calm.  And I can hear the kindness and gentleness in Jesus' voice when he says "bring them here." 

Jesus then got to work and He did what comes naturally to Him. He made what was insignificant into something miraculous.  Jesus multiplied what was offered to Him. 

It struck me as I re-imagined this story that the disciples had to let go of what they thought was a great idea (sending the crowd away).  They also had to release control of what little assets they had commandeered (the five loaves and two fish).  Then the disciples had to just wait and let Christ do His thing.  Maybe Jesus' prayer of thanksgiving was long.  Maybe he stopped and chatted with the little boy before He prayed.  Maybe He just stood in silence for awhile focusing His heart on the Father.  All the while, the disciples are waiting, wondering, wishing there was a local pizza joint that delivered.  Then Jesus broke the bread. Did the disciples hold their breath?  Were they afraid as they saw some pieces fall to the ground? Did Jesus tear the bread slowly?  Did it look as if the bread was the same size as when He started?  Jesus took what the disciples offered Him, and then He broke it into pieces, returned broken pieces to them and told them to give it away. 

Something in that image makes my heart clutch up.  I think of what I have to offer Jesus, "my little something." Then I think about releasing control of it completely and watching Jesus break it apart into pieces so that it feels as if there is less than when I first offered it. My mind cries over the possibility that what I give to Him may no longer be pretty, that things won't look even close to how I want them to be.  I am afraid that what I offer will seem as if it's become something else that doesn’t have "me" written all over it.  In a God-moment I have come face to face with my selfish desires and fears.

I want to think that I long to share what God has gifted me with, that I want to be used for His glory and encourage others to move closer to Jesus.  And I admit, I have a picture in my head of what I think it should look like. I have imagined various options and preselected what I like best, just like the disciples, and I think I have created options that are somewhat practical, sensible and do-able.  And just like in the Bible Story, Jesus is asking me to allow Him to create the plan.  I have realized I am afraid.  My plan makes me look good and Jesus is gently reminding my soul that is not the end goal. Jesus wants to meet the needs of the crowd that is found in my corner of the world and He wants me to participate in helping to meet their need. And, Jesus may have to tear apart what I offer so that it can be multiplied.

My heart is still a bit "clutched up."  I stand before my Lord and I offer my small lunch.  I long for words of reassurance, a detailed plan if possible, of all that God will do to provide, as He always has, making much out of what seems so little.  My eyes search the face of Christ, saying all the words that my mouth won't speak.  His eyes speak to me with the simple word: Trust.  Then His hand brushes mine as I lift what I have.

"I leave you peace; my peace I give you. I do not give it to you as the world does.  So don't let your hearts be troubled or afraid."   -- Jesus  (John 14:27 NCV)

Joining the Angels

Today is the day after mid term elections.  There was a proposal on the ballot for the small, Oregon town that I live in that has caused quite a bit of controversy and division.  There have been committees and meetings and people showing up in mass when the Chamber of Commerce voted on things connected with the issue.  There have been signs, and stealing  of signs, anger, fear and confusion.  The ballots have all been cast and the decision is officially made.  The vote didn't go the way I had hoped, and I  admit to wondering how our little community will change.  I am prepared for some people to be up in arms and ready to verbally blast anyone who will listen.  I am prepared for some superior attitudes from those within the "I told you so" group.  I am prepared for people feeling a bit at odds with others because life will change and some will feel as if they no longer fit, while others will feel it's about time they get to feel as if they belong. 

Also today, on the day after mid term elections, I decided to listen to Christmas music as I got ready for the day.  I'm not yet in full Christmas music mode, but there are random days I just choose to listen to that particular genre.  I love Christmas music, I could listen to it all year long: it tends to be cheery and hopeful and fun, and that's a bit of what I needed. The song, "Join the Angels," by Matthew West, came on and I happily bebopped around as I did my hair and makeup.  As I was singing along the words began to truly resonate within my heart in respect to the reality of it being the day after mid term elections. 

Here are the Words to "Join the Angels":

        Brother, let me tell you why I can't stop singin'

The Lord is come
Sister, let me tell you why the bells are ringin'
The Lord is come   

Born this day in Bethlehem
There's a King in a manager
No room in the inn
The wise men seek him
The shepherds, too
Born for me and you

Come on, join the angels
Singing, "Glory to God in the highest..."
Join the angels
Shoutin', "Peace on Earth, good will to men..."
It's been a long time comin'
He's the one we waited for
So, join the angels
And praise the Lord

Oh brother, if your carrying a heavy burden
Lay it down
Sister, is your heart tired of all its hurtin'
Well, go on lay it down

Born this day in Bethlehem
There's a King in a manger
No room in the inn
Bringing hope to the poor
Strength to the weak
He's come to set us free

Come on, join the angels
Singing, "Glory to God in the highest..."
Join the angels
Shoutin', "Peace on Earth, good will to men..."
It's been a long time comin'
He's the one we waited for
So, join the angels
And praise the Lord

Join the angels

And His name will be called
Wonderful, Counselor, Almighty God
His name will be called
Prince of Peace
And at the name of Jesus
Every knee will bow and every tongue will confess

Listen

Born this day in Bethlehem
There's a King in a manager
No room in the inn
The wise men seek him
The shepherds, too
Born for me and you

Come on, join the angels
Singing, "Glory to God in the highest..."
Join the angels
Shoutin', "Peace on Earth, good will to men..."
It's been a long time comin'
He's the one we waited for
So, join the angels
And praise the Lord
Come on
Praise the Lord
Everybody now
Praise the Lord
Praise the Lord

(from https://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/matthewwest/jointheangels.html
Join the Angels - Matthew West; Unto Us: A Christmas Collection; 2016 Sparrow Records; Released 10-21-2016; Producer: David Garcia; Author, Composer: Matthew West)
  
I was struck by the truth that whereas some of the day-to-day circumstances of my life might change by the choices made during the mid term election, the truth that Jesus is the King, that He came to bring peace and hope is still TRUTH.  Not everyone sees this as truth in my small town, but those of us who have met Jesus have been given the opportunity and the responsibility to invite everyone to "Come on, join the angels, singing 'Glory to God in the highest…' "  God calls me, as a Jesus follower, to have the same attitude as Jesus, to represent and reflect all of who He is to those who still don't realize He IS the one we have waited for. Jesus accepted those who believed differently than He did.  Jesus spent time and invested in those who others viewed as lower on the social scale.  Jesus saw in each person He met, the reality that he or she was made in the very image of God.  Jesus didn't accept everyone's behavior, He was very clear on living righteous and holy lives.  Jesus called His followers to love others, but His way of loving wasn't to just give a stamp of approval on whatever someone thought was "right."  Jesus called people to change their way of living so that it lined up with what God said was best.  And He was kind, compassionate and full of grace to each person He met.  I sense a huge challenge to love like Jesus in my community and to join the angels in declaring that the Lord has come into our world and has provided a way for peace and good will.  It may not always be easy as changes take place within our town, but JESUS CHRIST IS KING!  He is Wonderful, Counselor, Almighty God, and the Prince of Peace.  Come on… everybody now.. Praise the Lord!

Staying Free

I have been on a diet.  I realized early on in the summer that I had gained some pesky pounds and that my clothes just didn't fit as well as they should.  I'm not a fan of dieting.  I prefer to eat whatever I want (that I rationalize I am doing "within reason."  If I'm on a diet, I obviously don't do that super well.)  Diets have always been a struggle for me mainly because  I am not a fan of salads, I prefer cheese.  Just cheese: on everything, with everything, oh and ice cream, I love ice cream, and M&M's, and corn, oh delicious sweet corn…  hence my dilemma, hence the diet.  I suppose I could've just bought new clothes. The problem there is that I have A LOT of clothes, and I actually like what's in my closet!  The thought of having to replace things, cute, adorable things, is a serious downer. 

I am close to my weight loss goal (yeah!).  I'm planning that Thanksgiving will be a "free day" and I'm going to enjoy what I eat.  I have realized though that because I've eaten less sugary things and less super rich, cheesy food, those items don't set as well with me if I over-indulge.  Even though Thanksgiving is a "free day," I will still need to be careful and eat within constructive boundaries.  It has occurred to me, that once my diet is officially over, I will need to always eat within constructive boundaries if I don't want to have to re-experience that last several months.  That particular thought always brings a big sigh from me.  AND I know that I want to continue to be able to move, have energy, be agile and flexible, and fit into my clothes while also breathing,  I have sadly reached the age where  what I indulge in food wise will always need constructive boundaries… that is just reality for me. 

I received a diet bonus today.  This crazy eat-less, eat better experience gave me an "A-ha!" in scripture.  The first verse in Galatians 5 popped up in my church's app this morning:  "So Christ has truly set us free.  Now make sure that you stay free and don't get tied up again in slavery to the law."  Jesus has set me free by what He did on the cross:  I am free from the punishment of sin, I am free from the shame  of sin, I am free from the fear of not ever measuring up, not ever doing it right or not ever doing enough.  Freedom is fabulous!  And sometimes freedom creates this attitude in us where we begin to believe we're invincible.  Do you remember when you first got your driver's license and you were free to drive all by yourself?  Do you remember when you first lived on your own and you thought, I can spend my money however I want? Do you remember when you finished your last diet and thought I will always stay below X number of pounds? (I do!)

God connected dots for me this morning by comparing this verse to my diet.  When I reach my goal weight, I am officially off the diet.  The idea is that I can go back to not having such restricted food choices. The truth is if I go back to eating whatever, whenever, I will soon be back in the same place I was at the beginning of the summer and I'll be back to diet slavery.  I have to keep the vision in mind of why I went on the diet in the first place:  to continue to be able to move about freely, with energy, be agile and flexible and fit comfortably into my clothes.  That vision will help me create constructive boundaries so that I can eat freely and maintain my vision. 

The same is true in my relationship with Christ.  Jesus doesn't want me to live life trapped by a bunch of rules.  He wants me to be free to enjoy a dynamic, growing relationship with Him.  I have to continue to keep the vision in mind and not be distracted by what I am free to enjoy.  The vision is that I get to be friends with Jesus.  I get to be a really close, tight friend of Jesus.  I get to be a member of His party tribe!  I get to be on His speed dial, to be invited to His house for holidays, go to lunch regularly with Him, hear all the great things He knows and is doing.  I get to be privy to all that!  And even though He has freed me to live life to it's fullest, the vision of being Jesus' friend is paramount and I need to set constructive boundaries so that the vision is continually fulfilled -- just like setting constructive boundaries when I sit at the dinner table, or indulge in a tasty snack, will free me from having to repeat the nasty diet cycle.

God longs for me to be a Jesus follower, not a legalistic rule follower.  He wants me to be so enraptured with the person, power, and purpose of Jesus Christ, that I am willing to live freely within the boundaries of what would please Him most. 

I may soon be freed from my diet, and I am already truly free to enjoy Life at its absolute BEST.  All praise, glory and honor to Jesus.

Transparency

As a small child I was not fond of meat.  Regardless of my preference, my mom seemed to serve some sort of meat with every meal.  If it was hidden in a casserole with yummy noodles and a thick layer of cheese on top, all was good.  If it was a hamburger, that was happily manageable.  If it was meatloaf, with the special sauce my mom taught me to make, I was in seventh heaven.  Anything else and I just wanted to gag.  There was a rational part of my brain that realized I wasn't appreciating the most expensive item my mom was serving and I wondered at my "problem." But then, as any meal would progress, and I would realize that the rest of my family was finishing up what was on each of their plates, and I would realize there was still quite a bit of meat left on my plate (having devoured the delicious potatoes of course) I would succumb to sliding portions of my meat into my napkin, in between the tiny bites I would take for show.  I didn't want to be left alone at the table under the watchful eye of my mother making sure I ingested the necessary protein.  I am grateful I was one of 5 children.  With 7 of us at the dinner table, neither my mother's eye, nor my father's eye, was consistently on me.  When my plate was officially empty, I would help clean up by making sure I was the one to throw my own napkin away.  As my siblings and I got older, I discovered I wasn't the only one hiding some sort of food distaste.  One of my sisters had a habit of hiding her peas underneath the rim of her plate.  It was nice to know I wasn't alone!  I wonder what would have happened if I had told my mom I just don't like meat!  I realize I would've been instructed to eat some of it, and that may have been it!  A good portion of what I didn't like may have been given to my brother, or my dad, who probably would've been thrilled. For some reason, I just couldn't break that barrier of what I should like, or should be eating, and be transparent with my mom.

The disciples struggled with being transparent with Jesus. In Mark 9:33-35, Jesus and his entourage had been traveling and they reached their destination.  Jesus asked his disciples what they had been talking about on the road.  Verse 34 says, "But they didn't answer, because they had been arguing about which of them was the greatest." (NLT) I've been there.  That moment when a question is asked and you realize that to be transparent about what is really going on isn't going to put you in a very positive light.  I know I have a tendency to phrase things carefully to maneuver some sort of damage control.  If Jesus, if others, really knew what my struggles were they surely would not approve!  I would be back sitting at the dining table all alone after everyone else had left.  I'd be labeled the one who just couldn't perform up to necessary and appropriate standards.   The disciples must have known their "discussion" would not be Jesus-approved.  Their arguing may be just like ours.  We criticize those who are opposed to our point of view.  We don't play fair.  We bring up old issues.  We list the worst faults of those we are fighting with.  We do all these things and more to somehow place ourselves in the winner's seat, the one who is right.  The disciples may have been hiding not only what they were talking about, but how they were talking about it!

I love the fact that Jesus doesn't seem to dig any further.  He doesn't force their hand, and "make them" tell the truth.  He just sets them straight: "Whoever wants to be first must take last place and be the servant of everyone else." (NLT)  It's hard to be a servant when you are continually set on winning.  It's hard to move into last place when you are afraid of being the last one left sitting at the table, not a part of the rest of the group, crouched in such a way as to hide what you perceive is your shame. 

Did you catch what Jesus really did when he inquired about the disciples discussion? He offered the disciples an opportunity to come clean, to be transparent with Him. I'm sure my mom tried to get me to come clean, I can't imagine she was completely unaware of what I thought was very sneaky behavior. Coming clean is hard.  When I come clean, I am admitting that the image I am trying to project is somewhat, or even way,  off-base.  When I am upfront with Christ over what my struggles are though miraculous things happen; I open myself up to experience His love, wisdom and assistance.  I'm not trying to avoid His gaze, or working desperately to cover up what I think is going to get me into big trouble. 

Expressing what is causing me conflict opens the door for God's love to be poured over my pain like a salve.  Psalm 130:7 says, "O Israel, hope in the Lord; for with the Lord there is unfailing love.  His redemption overflows." (NLT)  When I am transparent with God, He's not waiting to send me to my room and ground me.  He is waiting with His unfailing love, ready to redeem me, returning me to right relationship with Him. He is offering hope that regardless of my perception of things, He loves me.  Many times, I need wisdom to follow the reassuring truth that He loves me.  I get so confused, or I misinterpret things, or maybe I'm just stubbornly claiming  my own view.  James 1:5 says, "If you need wisdom, ask our generous God, and he will give it to you.  He will not rebuke you for asking." (NLT)  As one of my friends says, "Questions are free,"  so we might as well ask.  I know I sometimes don't ask questions because I'm afraid I'll be perceived as not very bright. I fear being judged as less than what I'm trying to present.  God wants me to succeed, and He is so very aware of what I don't know! He longs for me to continually remain in right relationship with Him.  When I look at the verse from Psalm 130 with the verse from James 1,  and I combine the truth that God's love will always go to extreme lengths to redeem me with the truth that He is not going to rebuke me for asking even the most bizarre question, I wonder why I continue to struggle to trust Him with my honesty. 

Psalm 37:5 says, "Commit everything you do to the Lord.  Trust him and he will help you." (NLT) God doesn't redeem me just to leave me floundering.  And no matter how I may try to rephrase things in my mind, I know if I am truly going to commit everything I do to the Lord, I'm going to need to be transparent with Him about what I do or do not understand; what is hard; what leaves me feeling exhausted, spent or useless; what turns my crank; what leaves me speechless with wonder; what leads me to fall to my knees in pure worship; what makes me doubt; what makes me hope…  Just like with the disciples, Jesus already knows the answer to what He asks me.  Jesus is completely aware of what I'm trying to throw away in my pitiful napkin.  And He's offering me the opportunity to draw closer to Him, to trust Him more completely, by asking me to be transparent with Him.  

I've learned to eat meat.  It's been a long time since I've sneaked some undesirable food into my napkin to throw away.  I'm still learning to be transparent with Jesus.  It's getting easier.  And the meal I eat at His table is becoming more and more enjoyable; He fills my needs and my longings.  I hope in the goodness of my Lord; His love truly is unfailing.

Dominion

I am currently reading a  book called "Encountering the Goodness of God" by Bill Johnson.  I'm using it as a catalyst for my morning prayer time.  The author has presented some ideas that left me a bit confused, and he has presented ideas that have made me think, "hmmm…  that's a different way of looking at things.  I've never thought of that scripture in that particular light before!"  Recently, I read, "Dominion empowers.  And because man was given the keys of dominion over the planet, the devil would have to get his authority from man.  The suggestion  to eat the forbidden fruit was simply the devil's effort to get Adam and Eve to agree with him in opposition to God, thus empowering him.  To this day it is through agreement that the devil is able to kill, steal, and destroy.  He is still empowered through man's agreement."

The last sentence grabs me every time I read it.  I empower the devil every time I agree with him.  Normally my immediate response would be "well, whatever!  I don't agree with the devil! That's just plain silly."  I've been learning lately that I struggle with doubt, and it clicked this morning that when I allow doubts to play out in my mind, when I am not trusting who God is and what He promises, I am agreeing with the devil that God isn't enough.  I am empowering Satan to have control over my thoughts and emotions.  Whoa.

Doubt is tricky.  It's so easy to rationalize my lack of faith by saying "I’m working on allowing God to choose what is best," instead of admitting I'm struggling to believe that God loves me enough to provide for my deepest hopes and dreams. When I don't honestly admit to my true struggle, I'm empowering Satan to lead me down a path where I begin to say things like: I'm not good enough; God can't use me; I don't make a difference; I'm just _____ (fill in the blank).  I empower Satan to fill my mind with comparisons to others and then see myself as lacking, less than someone else.  I empower Satan to freeze me in my faith walk and then I become ineffective, not because God isn't big enough to use me, but because I've given the power over my life to the devil. And then, I find myself in opposition to God Himself. 

This has absolutely incited my prayer life to be more open and honest with God about where I am struggling so that He can give me wisdom and strength where I need it most.  God hasn't gotten upset with me because I'm pouring out my questions and confusion, He's empowering me with peace, restful faith and fresh hope.  I can't say I have immediate answers with a five step plan to all of my questions and wondering. God has reassured me that He goes before me, He will give me direction for my next step, He loves me and delights in me.  He has reminded me that He fills any gap where I may be lacking, and that His purposes will prevail, for the entire earth and for me. 

Step back Satan: there's no empowerment to be found here.  I'm agreeing with the Creator of the Universe, all He says, all He promises.  I'm in for the Win, ALL IN, Jesus Christ has dominion over me. I can say with confidence: God is completely, absolutely, purely, entirely, infinitely, flat out, no ifs, ands or buts GOOD.  He is worthy of all honor, glory and power.  Hallelujah!