Transparency

As a small child I was not fond of meat.  Regardless of my preference, my mom seemed to serve some sort of meat with every meal.  If it was hidden in a casserole with yummy noodles and a thick layer of cheese on top, all was good.  If it was a hamburger, that was happily manageable.  If it was meatloaf, with the special sauce my mom taught me to make, I was in seventh heaven.  Anything else and I just wanted to gag.  There was a rational part of my brain that realized I wasn't appreciating the most expensive item my mom was serving and I wondered at my "problem." But then, as any meal would progress, and I would realize that the rest of my family was finishing up what was on each of their plates, and I would realize there was still quite a bit of meat left on my plate (having devoured the delicious potatoes of course) I would succumb to sliding portions of my meat into my napkin, in between the tiny bites I would take for show.  I didn't want to be left alone at the table under the watchful eye of my mother making sure I ingested the necessary protein.  I am grateful I was one of 5 children.  With 7 of us at the dinner table, neither my mother's eye, nor my father's eye, was consistently on me.  When my plate was officially empty, I would help clean up by making sure I was the one to throw my own napkin away.  As my siblings and I got older, I discovered I wasn't the only one hiding some sort of food distaste.  One of my sisters had a habit of hiding her peas underneath the rim of her plate.  It was nice to know I wasn't alone!  I wonder what would have happened if I had told my mom I just don't like meat!  I realize I would've been instructed to eat some of it, and that may have been it!  A good portion of what I didn't like may have been given to my brother, or my dad, who probably would've been thrilled. For some reason, I just couldn't break that barrier of what I should like, or should be eating, and be transparent with my mom.

The disciples struggled with being transparent with Jesus. In Mark 9:33-35, Jesus and his entourage had been traveling and they reached their destination.  Jesus asked his disciples what they had been talking about on the road.  Verse 34 says, "But they didn't answer, because they had been arguing about which of them was the greatest." (NLT) I've been there.  That moment when a question is asked and you realize that to be transparent about what is really going on isn't going to put you in a very positive light.  I know I have a tendency to phrase things carefully to maneuver some sort of damage control.  If Jesus, if others, really knew what my struggles were they surely would not approve!  I would be back sitting at the dining table all alone after everyone else had left.  I'd be labeled the one who just couldn't perform up to necessary and appropriate standards.   The disciples must have known their "discussion" would not be Jesus-approved.  Their arguing may be just like ours.  We criticize those who are opposed to our point of view.  We don't play fair.  We bring up old issues.  We list the worst faults of those we are fighting with.  We do all these things and more to somehow place ourselves in the winner's seat, the one who is right.  The disciples may have been hiding not only what they were talking about, but how they were talking about it!

I love the fact that Jesus doesn't seem to dig any further.  He doesn't force their hand, and "make them" tell the truth.  He just sets them straight: "Whoever wants to be first must take last place and be the servant of everyone else." (NLT)  It's hard to be a servant when you are continually set on winning.  It's hard to move into last place when you are afraid of being the last one left sitting at the table, not a part of the rest of the group, crouched in such a way as to hide what you perceive is your shame. 

Did you catch what Jesus really did when he inquired about the disciples discussion? He offered the disciples an opportunity to come clean, to be transparent with Him. I'm sure my mom tried to get me to come clean, I can't imagine she was completely unaware of what I thought was very sneaky behavior. Coming clean is hard.  When I come clean, I am admitting that the image I am trying to project is somewhat, or even way,  off-base.  When I am upfront with Christ over what my struggles are though miraculous things happen; I open myself up to experience His love, wisdom and assistance.  I'm not trying to avoid His gaze, or working desperately to cover up what I think is going to get me into big trouble. 

Expressing what is causing me conflict opens the door for God's love to be poured over my pain like a salve.  Psalm 130:7 says, "O Israel, hope in the Lord; for with the Lord there is unfailing love.  His redemption overflows." (NLT)  When I am transparent with God, He's not waiting to send me to my room and ground me.  He is waiting with His unfailing love, ready to redeem me, returning me to right relationship with Him. He is offering hope that regardless of my perception of things, He loves me.  Many times, I need wisdom to follow the reassuring truth that He loves me.  I get so confused, or I misinterpret things, or maybe I'm just stubbornly claiming  my own view.  James 1:5 says, "If you need wisdom, ask our generous God, and he will give it to you.  He will not rebuke you for asking." (NLT)  As one of my friends says, "Questions are free,"  so we might as well ask.  I know I sometimes don't ask questions because I'm afraid I'll be perceived as not very bright. I fear being judged as less than what I'm trying to present.  God wants me to succeed, and He is so very aware of what I don't know! He longs for me to continually remain in right relationship with Him.  When I look at the verse from Psalm 130 with the verse from James 1,  and I combine the truth that God's love will always go to extreme lengths to redeem me with the truth that He is not going to rebuke me for asking even the most bizarre question, I wonder why I continue to struggle to trust Him with my honesty. 

Psalm 37:5 says, "Commit everything you do to the Lord.  Trust him and he will help you." (NLT) God doesn't redeem me just to leave me floundering.  And no matter how I may try to rephrase things in my mind, I know if I am truly going to commit everything I do to the Lord, I'm going to need to be transparent with Him about what I do or do not understand; what is hard; what leaves me feeling exhausted, spent or useless; what turns my crank; what leaves me speechless with wonder; what leads me to fall to my knees in pure worship; what makes me doubt; what makes me hope…  Just like with the disciples, Jesus already knows the answer to what He asks me.  Jesus is completely aware of what I'm trying to throw away in my pitiful napkin.  And He's offering me the opportunity to draw closer to Him, to trust Him more completely, by asking me to be transparent with Him.  

I've learned to eat meat.  It's been a long time since I've sneaked some undesirable food into my napkin to throw away.  I'm still learning to be transparent with Jesus.  It's getting easier.  And the meal I eat at His table is becoming more and more enjoyable; He fills my needs and my longings.  I hope in the goodness of my Lord; His love truly is unfailing.

Dominion

I am currently reading a  book called "Encountering the Goodness of God" by Bill Johnson.  I'm using it as a catalyst for my morning prayer time.  The author has presented some ideas that left me a bit confused, and he has presented ideas that have made me think, "hmmm…  that's a different way of looking at things.  I've never thought of that scripture in that particular light before!"  Recently, I read, "Dominion empowers.  And because man was given the keys of dominion over the planet, the devil would have to get his authority from man.  The suggestion  to eat the forbidden fruit was simply the devil's effort to get Adam and Eve to agree with him in opposition to God, thus empowering him.  To this day it is through agreement that the devil is able to kill, steal, and destroy.  He is still empowered through man's agreement."

The last sentence grabs me every time I read it.  I empower the devil every time I agree with him.  Normally my immediate response would be "well, whatever!  I don't agree with the devil! That's just plain silly."  I've been learning lately that I struggle with doubt, and it clicked this morning that when I allow doubts to play out in my mind, when I am not trusting who God is and what He promises, I am agreeing with the devil that God isn't enough.  I am empowering Satan to have control over my thoughts and emotions.  Whoa.

Doubt is tricky.  It's so easy to rationalize my lack of faith by saying "I’m working on allowing God to choose what is best," instead of admitting I'm struggling to believe that God loves me enough to provide for my deepest hopes and dreams. When I don't honestly admit to my true struggle, I'm empowering Satan to lead me down a path where I begin to say things like: I'm not good enough; God can't use me; I don't make a difference; I'm just _____ (fill in the blank).  I empower Satan to fill my mind with comparisons to others and then see myself as lacking, less than someone else.  I empower Satan to freeze me in my faith walk and then I become ineffective, not because God isn't big enough to use me, but because I've given the power over my life to the devil. And then, I find myself in opposition to God Himself. 

This has absolutely incited my prayer life to be more open and honest with God about where I am struggling so that He can give me wisdom and strength where I need it most.  God hasn't gotten upset with me because I'm pouring out my questions and confusion, He's empowering me with peace, restful faith and fresh hope.  I can't say I have immediate answers with a five step plan to all of my questions and wondering. God has reassured me that He goes before me, He will give me direction for my next step, He loves me and delights in me.  He has reminded me that He fills any gap where I may be lacking, and that His purposes will prevail, for the entire earth and for me. 

Step back Satan: there's no empowerment to be found here.  I'm agreeing with the Creator of the Universe, all He says, all He promises.  I'm in for the Win, ALL IN, Jesus Christ has dominion over me. I can say with confidence: God is completely, absolutely, purely, entirely, infinitely, flat out, no ifs, ands or buts GOOD.  He is worthy of all honor, glory and power.  Hallelujah!

Disneyland and Water-heaters

My husband and I have been saving to go to Disneyland.  Our son lives near San Diego and he suggested one day that we should come visit him and then we could all go to Disneyland.  We decided our son had a grand idea and we began to squirrel away finances so we could go hang with our son and Mickey.  We had originally thought we would go on our grand adventure in the fall.  Instead, our son came home on leave for his birthday.  A wonderful trade off, so we began to contemplate going in early December: in time to see Disneyland decked out for Christmas, but before the Christmas crowds took over. 

We knew our water heater was old. We had actually been aware for a year or two that a new water heater was in our future.  We had noticed before we left town for Labor Day that it was leaking more than "a bit."  We turned the water off before we left town to avoid coming home to a flood.  One would think this would cause us to realize a new water heater was coming so much sooner than later.  My husband invested time in checking out home warranty programs and we began discussing if we were cheating the companies because we knew our water heater was on it's last leg.  My husband's job got busy and the home warranty program got put on the back burner, after all, we still had hot showers every morning.  Note:  my husband is not normally a put-stuff-off person; that is all me!  I thought about the water heater because I'm in the laundry room, where it is located, on a regular basis.  He truly was overwhelmed by activities at work, and the water heater was not on his mind. I on the other hand just thought "it's still working, because I still have hot water!"

I was doing laundry yesterday and I was running up and down the stairs barefoot.  I noticed a section of carpet that was oddly wet.  Not wet like the dog drooled, or wet like I spilled some of my coffee, but  "eww! This is WET!" wet.  I noticed that on the other side of the wall from the wet area was the suffering water heater.  I called my husband with this message: "I think we have a bigger problem with our water heater than we thought."

We are getting a new hot water heater today.  It may cost us our trip to Disneyland.  There is a part of me that is disappointed.  I would love to go to Disneyland, it is one of my favorite places to go.  I also really appreciate a continuous supply of hot water.  As my husband and I looked over our finances he commented that God was providing the finances to cover the cost of the hot water heater.  We don't need to take a loan.  We can pay for it and not touch our savings. God is good.  We may just not go to Disneyland.  And God is still good. 

My enjoyment of life is not dependent on fun vacations.  Nor is it dependent on having hot water for my shower, the laundry and/or the dishes.  Romans 12:12 says, "Rejoice in our confident hope.  Be patient in trouble, and keep on praying." (NLT) Rejoice in our confident hope:  have joy over the truth that Jesus has paid the penalty price for all of the messed up things I've done, and He has given me a ticket that gets me into His presence -- every day, and for all of eternity; have joy over the truth that I don't journey this life alone, He is always with me; have joy over the truth that He provides peace when I trust Him and follow His lead in obedience.  I CAN rejoice for every hope I have: to be loved, to be wanted, to be considered valuable, to belong, to live life with purpose, to have reasons to laugh and enjoy life can all be found in the person of Jesus, living life with Him and honoring Him.

I have a new hot water-heater.  I may or may not go to Disneyland.  And I rejoice for I have a confident hope; life is good, for I know that God is good, all the time.

Anxiety Pressed

I've spent the last several weeks being anxious.  I'm not normally a worry type of person, but I let some circumstances over which I have little to no control eat at me.  I talked briefly with my husband concerning one circumstance last night and I just ended up getting frustrated and angry.  Perhaps I wasn't hearing what I wanted to hear, or I wasn't explaining myself well, or I was wanting to wallow more where I shouldn't be residing. This morning, God spoke clearly to me.  I was refreshed by the idea that God's timing is perfect because today is a crux day.  For couple of my anxiety points, today is a today I need to make a decision, take an action, get busy. 

The first verse I read was Philippians 1:6 "And I am certain that God, who began the good work within you, will continue his work until it is finished on the day when Christ Jesus returns."  I had actually read this verse yesterday, but it didn't register that I had.  I didn’t catch what God was trying to say to me, but today, today I was more desperate.  Today I saw in the verse that God hasn't given up on me, that He is still perfecting me, and since He is still working, He is with me.

Next, I read 2 Corinthians 12:10 "That's why I take pleasure in my weaknesses and in the insults, hardships, persecutions and troubles that I suffer for Christ.  For when I am weak, then I am strong." Let me be clear, I am not being persecuted or insulted. My struggles are a combination of 'just life' and 'of my own making.'  That said, "the struggle is real." As I read the verse, knowing that God hasn't given up on me (in spite of my selfish anxiety) and that He is with me while also working on me, I was encouraged by the idea that when I reached the end of whatever I can do in my own strength, with my limited abilities, God's power and strength steps in.  When I wrote something to that effect in my journal, it was almost as if I could hear God sigh.  I was missing the point again, no wonder I had been anxious.  I had been trying to deal with my circumstances all on my own, and using God as my "back up."  God doesn't want to be my back up, God wants to be my everything. 

God drove His lesson home to my soul with the last thing I read:  2 Corinthians 13:5-10.  I had a difficult time getting past verse 5, "Examine yourselves to see if your faith is genuine."  Ouch.  I began to write questions to myself: Do I believe God is big enough to give me peace and contentment regardless of my circumstance? Do I believe God is powerful enough, capable enough to provide what my heart longs for most? Do I believe God's peace is strong enough to cover my fears? Am I willing to be uncomfortable and trust that God will provide the necessary time, inner strength and peace, finances, and a way for me to get over myself?

There was more that God spoke to me as I continued to read His Word.  God was gentle but firm.  He met me with clarity and hope. And then I began to wonder: Had God really not shown up before today?  Had God allowed me be anxious?  I took the time to look back at my quiet time journal, going back two weeks to the day.  The first thing I read was a verse I had copied down,  Psalm 27:7-8 "Hear me as I pray, O Lord.  Be merciful and answer me!  My heart has heard you say, 'Come and talk with me.' and my heart responds  'Lord, I am coming.' "   Again: Ouch.  On the same day I wrote down a variety of notes and responses:  you will always harvest what you plant;  whenever you have the opportunity, we should do good to everyone; I try too hard to protect myself and my comfort zone; focus on the blessings God gives me; God wants to be with me. He sees me with value. He wants to use me, form me; God is listening. 

I didn't need to read any more of my journal.  God had been speaking to my heart all along. God had invited me to pour out my heart, with all it's concerns, to Him.  He is always waiting to listen to me, advise me, sit with me.  God had forewarned me that I would harvest what I planted, and yet I had continued to plant doubt, and selfishness in my heart and mind. God had challenged me to step outside myself and focus on "doing good,"  to see the blessings that He provides and recognize that He truly takes care of my every need.  He reminded me, as He graciously does so often, that He loves me, He sees me as His valuable, treasured Princess and He has a glorious purpose for how He has created me.

God knows exactly what pushes me outside my comfort zone and what leads me to be anxious.  God also knows the vastness of my own selfishness, even when I try to deny it or rationalize it away.  God is, thankfully, so amazingly patient with me, even when the lesson He is trying to teach me needs remediation.  No circumstance is beyond the presence of God.  I need to listen in obedience and do what He asks of me for my benefit, and for His glory and the fulfillment of His purposes.  Anxiety denied, the peace of God is reigning today.  Hallelujah.

Just Like in Heaven

There is in our culture a fascination with angels, and I believe a simplification of heaven.  You can find all sorts of quotes about heaven. Michelangelo said, "My soul can find no staircase to Heaven unless it be through Earth's loveliness."  Jimi Hendrix claims, "You have to go on and be crazy.  Craziness is like heaven."  Friedrich Nietzsche stated, "In heaven, all the interesting people are missing." To the general world it seems as if heaven is a mythical place where everything you ever wanted is provided, or it is the place that only goody-two-shoes type people go and therefore it must be boring.  I believe heaven is real and is the place where God, in all the magnificence of His glory, dwells.

I was thinking about heaven, and angels this morning which is not my normal thought process.  I was reading the Lord's Prayer in Matthew 6 and was struck by verse 10.  "May your will be done on earth as it is in heaven." (NLT)  Generally when I read this verse my attention gravitates towards God's will, and what He would want done here on earth.  I would lean toward asking God if there was something specific He was asking me to do. My brain did the cursory wondering of that thought, but my imagination grabbed ahold of the idea that God's will should be done here on earth just like God's will is done in heaven.  That led my mind to think about angels, and wonder:  what do angels do? How do they go about doing whatever they do?  Are angels fun?  Do angels have fun?  Are angels happy?  Do angels always wear the same thing?  Do angels even have to wear clothes?  (notice where my imagination tends to lean?)  I did a brief search and I learned that the word angel means "messenger of God." Angels obviously are sent, and deliver messages from God. An angel delivered the message to Mary that she was chosen to give birth to Jesus, the One who would save, and the shepherds received a message from an angel when Mary gave birth to Jesus.  At times, angels are sent to help a human in a time of need or emergency, like when an angel provided food and rest for Elijah when he ran from Jezebel into the wilderness. Hebrews 1:14 says, "Therefore, angels are only servants -- spirits sent to care for people who will inherit salvation." (NLT)  In heaven, angels worship and declare God's glory 24/7.  Someday, the angels will separate the wicked from the righteous at Jesus' command.

Then I began to unpack what it just might mean for God's will to be done, just as the angels do.  The angels are completely aware of God's glory and how awesome He is.  They cannot help but recognize that He is sovereign and that He is far above any one of them.  There are angels who surround God's throne and are always declaring "Holy, Holy, Holy."  When I sense the Holy Spirit asking me to do something, am I aware of whose presence I am in?  I don’t think I do.  I know that if God is asking me to do something that is uncomfortable, or risky, I have a tendency to whine, or seek to find a way to avoid doing what He is asking of me.  If the Chief of Police in my town came to my door and told me I needed to help my neighbor, I'm not sure I would have the courage to turn him down, especially if he had a couple of well armed patrol men with him.  If the Governor of my state called me up, told me he specifically needed my help and then told me to go door to door in my neighborhood and collect food for the hungry, I would suck it up and start knocking.  If the President of the United States contacted me, and gave me the instructions that for the betterment of my community, and because of the gifts and abilities I had, he needed me to help out at the soup kitchen because they needed people who were chatty, friendly, and encouraging, I would feel compelled to volunteer.  And when God asks me those things, I question his wisdom with "why me?  Surely someone else is better, or has more time, or would connect better."  I am not aware of the majesty and power and awesomeness of who I am communicating with. 

My imagination led me to decide that angels follow through with what God asks of them because they are so aware of who God is.  I would describe the angels as immediately and willingly obedient. My imagination can't imagine anyone so enthralled with another not jumping at the chance to fulfill that person's desires. Do you remember first being in love?  Can you recall your loved one asking you to do something that just didn't turn your crank, but in the midst of all that euphoria, you couldn't help but agree?  My husband is a runner.  I am not in any way, shape or form, a runner.  In fact I am not even a sports girl!  I like to hike and casually ride my bike,  that's about it.  I exercise, but that has only come about as I've gotten older and just want to feel as if I can move and not feel 90 when I'm 55.  When my man and I first started dating, I tried running.  He was so proud of me, he told me I had great form!  I didn't keep it up, because I just don't like it.  I can't ever seem to get into that rhythm that runners talk about.  I just end up huffing and  puffing and feeling horrible.  But oh, at the beginning of our love, I wanted to run, because I was enthralled with this young man. 

I believe the angels follow through.  My imagination sees angels who start and complete a task.  They don't just have good intentions, they so want to honor God, they keep at what is being asked of them until God tells them it's finished.  Follow through is often hard for me.  I get caught up in the excitement of a project begun, and then somewhere in the middle, where it becomes mundane, I trail off in my consistency and passion.  The angels worship God every second, of every minute, of every hour, of every day, for weeks and months and years and decades and millenniums.  They just don't quit.  They don't get bogged down in "well, I did some of it yesterday," or "can we mix it up a little?" or "really?  We're still doing this?"  I do that with God.  Perhaps he's asked me to encourage someone and I send off a card.  Yeah me!  And then, God asks me give them a call and just chat.  So I get around to it in a day or two, and think, yeah me!  And then God suggests that I prepare a meal that this person can put into her freezer and I start to say things like, "I don't have the time," or "I don't have the ingredients to spare," or "my cooking isn't that great."  If I am going to do God's will here on earth, like it's done in heaven, I don't have the option of flaking out or quitting. 

The angels are pretty amazing.  They do some seriously awesome stuff!  And it's not about them.  They are amazing and they do awesome stuff because God is MORE than amazing and God is MORE than awesome, and God is Holy, so very very Holy.  The angels are so overcome with who God is, they can't escape doing what God wills. 

I saw the Lord's Prayer in a fresh light this morning.  The Lord's Prayer wasn't about how I figure out how to talk to God though it is very helpful in that regard.  This morning, the Lord's Prayer was an invitation to grasp the wonder of who God is, to so dwell within His majesty, that my heart's cry becomes to do whatever he asks of me with delight and honor and reverence and gratitude that I was chosen to be used. 

"Holy, holy, holy is the Lord God, the Almighty -- the one who always was, who is, and who is still to come."  Revelation 4: 8b

The Gift

Yesterday, at church, the worship was beautiful and inspiring; the sermon was powerful and definitely challenging: and being with my family was comforting and delightful.  Interestingly though, the image that sticks in my head is that of a little girl. 
Our church has the children participate in our service up until it is time for the sermon.  We have the privilege of hearing their sweet voices sing, and at times be inspired by their exuberant energy.  Before the sermon, the children are invited to come learn about Jesus at their level.  Preschool and kindergarten children are directed to go to one exit and elementary children to another.  It's one of my favorite parts of the morning.  They are always so excited!  They faces shine with joy and anticipation of what they get to go do.  The smallest ones can hardly contain their pleasure, and the older ones give the pastor high fives as they pass him by. 
Yesterday, one sweet, precious little girl waited anxiously for the word to be given so that she could leave her mom and the pew they were in, cross the sanctuary, and go to her class.  She did her usual little run-skip combo, and then she ran onto the platform, quickly gave the pianist a picture she had drawn during the first part of the service and then went on to join her friends.  The joy on her face as she presented the pianist her small treasure is indescribable.  She had happily made something, and she happily gave it away to tell someone else that she loved her, and wanted her to be happy in that particular moment as well.  It struck me that I had just witnessed what Jesus wants each and every one of us to do all the time, every day. 
God's Word tells us to "encourage each other and build each other up..." (I Thessalonians 5:11 NLT); "Be joyful. Grow to maturity. Encourage each other. Live in harmony and  peace. Then the God of love and peace will be with you." (2 Corinthians 13:11 NLT); "and let us consider [thoughtfully] how we may encourage one another to love and to do good deeds," (Hebrews 10:24 AMP). It seems like a simple enough task, and yet how often do we not get around to doing it because we don't make it a priority?  Or perhaps we have wonderful intentions, but we second guess what we have to offer so we don't.  Sometimes I think we get get caught up in offering the 'perfect encouragement,' and we rationalize that we just don't know what the other person really needs, so we don't offer anything. 
The little girl's drawing was not a masterpiece.  It wasn't worth anything on the world's financial stage. The pianist didn't need the drawing.  The girl offered what she had without hesitation or worry.  She just gave it away.  The pianist smiled with surprise, and for that moment, she was the most important person in the room -- and we all knew it.  The little girl had such joy in the giving, and then she didn't stand there, dwelling on what she had done.  The gift was given, and she happily moved on to the next joyful moment of her life.  So many lessons to be learned in that moment that keeps replaying in my mind and heart.
I have something to give.  Whatever I give doesn't need to be perfect, or fall on some scale of grand gifts. I don't have to create an ideal scenario of how to give the gift, encouragement is often needed in the immediate moment.  I shouldn't be worried about what the other person will think of my gift if God prompts me to give something away. Many times I am totally unaware of how I am lifting someones spirits, but God sees a bigger, complete picture. 
I will encounter moments today where I can, with delight, give something away, and then happily move on to the next joyful moment in my day.  May I be as faithful to encourage someone, building them up, moving them to take steps of love and good deeds as that precious little girl did yesterday.

Life before Noon

Some days are filled with quite a bit of living before noon.  Today has been one of those days.  I began my morning, coffee cup in hand talking with Jesus.  My coffee this morning was a tad unique since I had added cinnamon.  Before I went to bed last night, I was reading a book about ways to help boost your metabolism.  I have these pesky pounds I have added to my circumference and I'm having a difficult time sending them away, hence the book.  One of the chapters in the book was about cinnamon and my take away was that eating a teaspoon of cinnamon a day can help boost one's metabolism!  I was game.  So I added cinnamon to my oatmeal and my coffee.  I added a bit too much to my coffee, so tomorrow I'll know  better, but I was feeling good about myself and my game-on attitude toward the day. 

As I read my Bible and studied scripture, God reminded me that my faith is not for me alone.  I read the passage in John 20:24-29 about Jesus meeting Thomas at the point of his doubt. The Holy Spirit spoke and my heart heard that my faith is to so change me that it works as a catalyst to move me out of myself and share God's story with others. Jesus makes the statement, "Blessed are those who believe without seeing me." I don't think Jesus was telling Thomas he wasn't blessed, but Jesus was preparing Thomas' spirit to be prepared to tell others about the difference Jesus had made in his life.  There would be those, after Thomas, who didn't have the privilege of seeing Jesus, and they would be blessed when they believed even though they didn't get the chance to actually see the scars.  I realized I am one of those who is so blessed!  And Jesus was leading my spirit, as he led Thomas' spirit, to be prepared to tell the story. 

I then moved to a passage in Luke 21 about the widow giving her two small coins.  God's Spirit spoke again.  He connected the two stories for me, just as I shouldn't judge those who need "more" help to believe than others, I am not to judge what someone brings in service and honor to God.  God always sees a much bigger picture than I do, and I need to rely on His vision, His purposes.  God challenged me and asked what I was willing to give sacrificially: time? Money? Gifts? Relationship? Perspective?  I spent some time in prayer and I could feel God smiling on me.  I sensed His delight in my worship and my attitude.  I found myself enjoying all the details of my morning from the excessive cinnamon to lessons learned at the feet of Jesus. 

I headed off to my exercise class with a bounce in my step.  I am not a fan of working out, but I put myself to the task today without as much inner whining, though I did roll my eyes at the teacher several times when she said "Keep going! You can do it!"  At the end of the hour I realized I had kept up pretty good today and I had one of those rare-for-me moments when I was glad I had worked out and not just glad I could check that task off my list. 

I got home and took my shower and began to get dressed.  That's where I encountered Satan.

I am normally good with my closet.  I like picking out what I'm  going to wear.  I teach others about seeing their closet as filled with things they love and that dressing doesn't have to be a chore.  For me, getting dressed is a delightful challenge in creativity.  I put on a pair of shorts and began to decide what I was going to pair with them.  I tried on a top I hadn't worn in a long while, and then decided I just needed to donate it.  It didn't speak to me and  showed those pesky pounds I was trying to get rid of. It needed to go, even it was animal print and on trend.  I then put on a top I like, and where as it was cute and looked good with the shorts, the sleeves were tight (were some of those pounds in my arms of all things?).  Off it came.  Top #3: a well-loved blue t-shirt with a ruffle at the bottom,  . . .that had gotten thrown in the dryer.  It may be time for a cute new blue t-shirt if I can't stretch out the one I currently own.  Top #4: Light coral cotton T with adorable lace sleeves.  I stared at myself in the mirror, liked the shirt, didn't like those pesky pounds.  I began to hear a voice in my head that said it was hopeless. The voice told me I was just going to have to get used to being heavier.  I would need to adapt to being "less-than,"  less trim, less cute, less admirable, less fashionable, just less (even though I was perceiving myself as "more"). I took off the top with a sigh and wondered where my earlier attitude of being loved and delighted over had gone. 

I went back into my closet and choose a top I often wore with the green shorts I had put on.  It has a bright floral print, and always reminds me of the day I purchased it.  It had been a day full of life and laughter as my daughter and I spent time together and just had fun.  The top made me smile, and I broke from the lies Satan was desperately trying to make me believe. 

Truth: I have some weight I should lose.  Truth: Jesus loves me.  Truth: I don't look as thin or fashionable as others.  Truth: Jesus delights in me.  Jesus has chosen me to be part of His story.  Jesus died so that my sins would never be held against me.  Jesus has entrusted me with sharing His story with others. 

I am Thomas, and sometimes I let doubt take over when I just need to choose to believe what I can't see.   

I am the one of the rich, often only willing to serve God out of my abundance and not sacrificially. 

I am one of the disciples and Jesus is preparing me to reach out to those who haven't yet heard of Him.

I am one of the disciples who need to let go of comparison, and just seek to offer God the best of whatever he asks of me.

Let the afternoon begin. It's going to be a great day!