Anxiety Pressed

I've spent the last several weeks being anxious.  I'm not normally a worry type of person, but I let some circumstances over which I have little to no control eat at me.  I talked briefly with my husband concerning one circumstance last night and I just ended up getting frustrated and angry.  Perhaps I wasn't hearing what I wanted to hear, or I wasn't explaining myself well, or I was wanting to wallow more where I shouldn't be residing. This morning, God spoke clearly to me.  I was refreshed by the idea that God's timing is perfect because today is a crux day.  For couple of my anxiety points, today is a today I need to make a decision, take an action, get busy. 

The first verse I read was Philippians 1:6 "And I am certain that God, who began the good work within you, will continue his work until it is finished on the day when Christ Jesus returns."  I had actually read this verse yesterday, but it didn't register that I had.  I didn’t catch what God was trying to say to me, but today, today I was more desperate.  Today I saw in the verse that God hasn't given up on me, that He is still perfecting me, and since He is still working, He is with me.

Next, I read 2 Corinthians 12:10 "That's why I take pleasure in my weaknesses and in the insults, hardships, persecutions and troubles that I suffer for Christ.  For when I am weak, then I am strong." Let me be clear, I am not being persecuted or insulted. My struggles are a combination of 'just life' and 'of my own making.'  That said, "the struggle is real." As I read the verse, knowing that God hasn't given up on me (in spite of my selfish anxiety) and that He is with me while also working on me, I was encouraged by the idea that when I reached the end of whatever I can do in my own strength, with my limited abilities, God's power and strength steps in.  When I wrote something to that effect in my journal, it was almost as if I could hear God sigh.  I was missing the point again, no wonder I had been anxious.  I had been trying to deal with my circumstances all on my own, and using God as my "back up."  God doesn't want to be my back up, God wants to be my everything. 

God drove His lesson home to my soul with the last thing I read:  2 Corinthians 13:5-10.  I had a difficult time getting past verse 5, "Examine yourselves to see if your faith is genuine."  Ouch.  I began to write questions to myself: Do I believe God is big enough to give me peace and contentment regardless of my circumstance? Do I believe God is powerful enough, capable enough to provide what my heart longs for most? Do I believe God's peace is strong enough to cover my fears? Am I willing to be uncomfortable and trust that God will provide the necessary time, inner strength and peace, finances, and a way for me to get over myself?

There was more that God spoke to me as I continued to read His Word.  God was gentle but firm.  He met me with clarity and hope. And then I began to wonder: Had God really not shown up before today?  Had God allowed me be anxious?  I took the time to look back at my quiet time journal, going back two weeks to the day.  The first thing I read was a verse I had copied down,  Psalm 27:7-8 "Hear me as I pray, O Lord.  Be merciful and answer me!  My heart has heard you say, 'Come and talk with me.' and my heart responds  'Lord, I am coming.' "   Again: Ouch.  On the same day I wrote down a variety of notes and responses:  you will always harvest what you plant;  whenever you have the opportunity, we should do good to everyone; I try too hard to protect myself and my comfort zone; focus on the blessings God gives me; God wants to be with me. He sees me with value. He wants to use me, form me; God is listening. 

I didn't need to read any more of my journal.  God had been speaking to my heart all along. God had invited me to pour out my heart, with all it's concerns, to Him.  He is always waiting to listen to me, advise me, sit with me.  God had forewarned me that I would harvest what I planted, and yet I had continued to plant doubt, and selfishness in my heart and mind. God had challenged me to step outside myself and focus on "doing good,"  to see the blessings that He provides and recognize that He truly takes care of my every need.  He reminded me, as He graciously does so often, that He loves me, He sees me as His valuable, treasured Princess and He has a glorious purpose for how He has created me.

God knows exactly what pushes me outside my comfort zone and what leads me to be anxious.  God also knows the vastness of my own selfishness, even when I try to deny it or rationalize it away.  God is, thankfully, so amazingly patient with me, even when the lesson He is trying to teach me needs remediation.  No circumstance is beyond the presence of God.  I need to listen in obedience and do what He asks of me for my benefit, and for His glory and the fulfillment of His purposes.  Anxiety denied, the peace of God is reigning today.  Hallelujah.