Transparency

As a small child I was not fond of meat.  Regardless of my preference, my mom seemed to serve some sort of meat with every meal.  If it was hidden in a casserole with yummy noodles and a thick layer of cheese on top, all was good.  If it was a hamburger, that was happily manageable.  If it was meatloaf, with the special sauce my mom taught me to make, I was in seventh heaven.  Anything else and I just wanted to gag.  There was a rational part of my brain that realized I wasn't appreciating the most expensive item my mom was serving and I wondered at my "problem." But then, as any meal would progress, and I would realize that the rest of my family was finishing up what was on each of their plates, and I would realize there was still quite a bit of meat left on my plate (having devoured the delicious potatoes of course) I would succumb to sliding portions of my meat into my napkin, in between the tiny bites I would take for show.  I didn't want to be left alone at the table under the watchful eye of my mother making sure I ingested the necessary protein.  I am grateful I was one of 5 children.  With 7 of us at the dinner table, neither my mother's eye, nor my father's eye, was consistently on me.  When my plate was officially empty, I would help clean up by making sure I was the one to throw my own napkin away.  As my siblings and I got older, I discovered I wasn't the only one hiding some sort of food distaste.  One of my sisters had a habit of hiding her peas underneath the rim of her plate.  It was nice to know I wasn't alone!  I wonder what would have happened if I had told my mom I just don't like meat!  I realize I would've been instructed to eat some of it, and that may have been it!  A good portion of what I didn't like may have been given to my brother, or my dad, who probably would've been thrilled. For some reason, I just couldn't break that barrier of what I should like, or should be eating, and be transparent with my mom.

The disciples struggled with being transparent with Jesus. In Mark 9:33-35, Jesus and his entourage had been traveling and they reached their destination.  Jesus asked his disciples what they had been talking about on the road.  Verse 34 says, "But they didn't answer, because they had been arguing about which of them was the greatest." (NLT) I've been there.  That moment when a question is asked and you realize that to be transparent about what is really going on isn't going to put you in a very positive light.  I know I have a tendency to phrase things carefully to maneuver some sort of damage control.  If Jesus, if others, really knew what my struggles were they surely would not approve!  I would be back sitting at the dining table all alone after everyone else had left.  I'd be labeled the one who just couldn't perform up to necessary and appropriate standards.   The disciples must have known their "discussion" would not be Jesus-approved.  Their arguing may be just like ours.  We criticize those who are opposed to our point of view.  We don't play fair.  We bring up old issues.  We list the worst faults of those we are fighting with.  We do all these things and more to somehow place ourselves in the winner's seat, the one who is right.  The disciples may have been hiding not only what they were talking about, but how they were talking about it!

I love the fact that Jesus doesn't seem to dig any further.  He doesn't force their hand, and "make them" tell the truth.  He just sets them straight: "Whoever wants to be first must take last place and be the servant of everyone else." (NLT)  It's hard to be a servant when you are continually set on winning.  It's hard to move into last place when you are afraid of being the last one left sitting at the table, not a part of the rest of the group, crouched in such a way as to hide what you perceive is your shame. 

Did you catch what Jesus really did when he inquired about the disciples discussion? He offered the disciples an opportunity to come clean, to be transparent with Him. I'm sure my mom tried to get me to come clean, I can't imagine she was completely unaware of what I thought was very sneaky behavior. Coming clean is hard.  When I come clean, I am admitting that the image I am trying to project is somewhat, or even way,  off-base.  When I am upfront with Christ over what my struggles are though miraculous things happen; I open myself up to experience His love, wisdom and assistance.  I'm not trying to avoid His gaze, or working desperately to cover up what I think is going to get me into big trouble. 

Expressing what is causing me conflict opens the door for God's love to be poured over my pain like a salve.  Psalm 130:7 says, "O Israel, hope in the Lord; for with the Lord there is unfailing love.  His redemption overflows." (NLT)  When I am transparent with God, He's not waiting to send me to my room and ground me.  He is waiting with His unfailing love, ready to redeem me, returning me to right relationship with Him. He is offering hope that regardless of my perception of things, He loves me.  Many times, I need wisdom to follow the reassuring truth that He loves me.  I get so confused, or I misinterpret things, or maybe I'm just stubbornly claiming  my own view.  James 1:5 says, "If you need wisdom, ask our generous God, and he will give it to you.  He will not rebuke you for asking." (NLT)  As one of my friends says, "Questions are free,"  so we might as well ask.  I know I sometimes don't ask questions because I'm afraid I'll be perceived as not very bright. I fear being judged as less than what I'm trying to present.  God wants me to succeed, and He is so very aware of what I don't know! He longs for me to continually remain in right relationship with Him.  When I look at the verse from Psalm 130 with the verse from James 1,  and I combine the truth that God's love will always go to extreme lengths to redeem me with the truth that He is not going to rebuke me for asking even the most bizarre question, I wonder why I continue to struggle to trust Him with my honesty. 

Psalm 37:5 says, "Commit everything you do to the Lord.  Trust him and he will help you." (NLT) God doesn't redeem me just to leave me floundering.  And no matter how I may try to rephrase things in my mind, I know if I am truly going to commit everything I do to the Lord, I'm going to need to be transparent with Him about what I do or do not understand; what is hard; what leaves me feeling exhausted, spent or useless; what turns my crank; what leaves me speechless with wonder; what leads me to fall to my knees in pure worship; what makes me doubt; what makes me hope…  Just like with the disciples, Jesus already knows the answer to what He asks me.  Jesus is completely aware of what I'm trying to throw away in my pitiful napkin.  And He's offering me the opportunity to draw closer to Him, to trust Him more completely, by asking me to be transparent with Him.  

I've learned to eat meat.  It's been a long time since I've sneaked some undesirable food into my napkin to throw away.  I'm still learning to be transparent with Jesus.  It's getting easier.  And the meal I eat at His table is becoming more and more enjoyable; He fills my needs and my longings.  I hope in the goodness of my Lord; His love truly is unfailing.