Seeking Jesus

I fell apart several days ago. I became completely overwhelmed and couldn't see how I was going to manage everything I thought needed to be done.  It came over me suddenly and, to be honest, it caught me off guard.  My guess is it caught my sweet husband off guard as well!  In the space of a couple of hours, doing something that took longer than expected, I lost rational perspective.  My husband (bless his heart) tried to be supportive and helpful.  I did my best to explain my fears.  He did his best to offer suggestions that could eliminate some of my stress.  I didn't feel as if he had heard me when I was rambling through my emotional explanation and in a split second I was beaten by my own anxiety, submerged in a mixture of confusion and disillusionment.  I said I couldn't take any more and I went to bed.  I can still feel him watching me as I walked away; his face etched with shock and bewilderment. 

A part of me wants to explain the whole scenario to you.  I want to convince you that my pain and frustration were understandable.  I want you to comment and affirm that my emotional upheaval was justifiable.  I want to be right in my wrong-ness. 

I wouldn't have always said that my behavior on that night was wrong; I can rationalize with the best of them.  God has been teaching me differently.  Feeling overwhelmed was not a moral issue; experiencing stress was not a sin.  And, also true, my behavior wasn't godly. 

Just the preceding week I had spent time In God's Word leaning how I was to rejoice while experiencing tough circumstances (Romans 5:3-8); set my hope on God and that God provides me with all things to enjoy (1 Tim 6:17-19); set my hope on grace and be holy because Jesus is holy (1 Peter 1:13-16); Draw near to God, hold onto hope, remember that God is faithful and we are to encourage one another (Hebrews 10:22-25).  Each passage strongly emphasized how I was to focus on God and do what is needed to get as close to Him as I can.  He provides all I need regardless of what is going on.  He alone has saved me from the worst possible circumstance ever: being separated from my Creator, The One who loves me most.  He is faithful, all-powerful, and the giver of all that is good.  I had spent time looking up the different ways grace is given to me in different forms, and the various characteristics of God's grace.  It is sufficient; it is enough.  God gives grace in abundance.  It helps me in my times of need.  God's grace trains me to renounce ungodliness, to be self-controlled, upright and godly.  Grace helps me wait for hope.  It strengthens me and brings me near to God. Grace has given me Jesus, who is my peace.  I stand in grace. That's so much grace that I don't just hold it like a bouquet of flowers. I stand in it as if I were standing out in a field of wildflowers by the acre.

God had given me, through His Word, what I needed to face my moment of stress in a godly manner.  He provided the truth of who He is and what He offers me so that I could choose to come to Him.  God was waiting for me that evening to stop in the midst of my tirade and talk to Him. He was standing by, eager for me to pour out all my concerns and worries and disappointments and stresses.  He was patiently lingering, hoping I'd remember what I'd been taught, and humble myself at His feet, offering Him the opportunity to show up for me in a powerful way.  I prayed, but I didn't seek Him.  I didn't even think about grace and how good God is to me.  I just wanted God to swoop in and fix things superman style and pronounce, "it's all good now!"

Colossians 3:1-4 reminds us that we are to seek things from above.  In fact the passage even says that I'm to "set my mind" on those same things. That requires me to choose to think about those things with a choice of my will, determination and commitment.  I'm to let my sinful self die; it's not to have any life whatsoever.  It doesn't get the opportunity to put forth it's opinion, to advocate for me to push for what I want.  It doesn't get a voice at all.  It is to be utterly extinguished.  Instead, I'm to find myself looking for Christ, focusing on Him and the new creation life He offers me. 

Seeking is not a one and done thing.  Seeking Jesus means I'm always looking for His grace, His wisdom, His strength, and His leading.   I seek Him when things are going well so that I stay on the path He's chosen for me.  And I stop whatever I'm doing when things begin to fall apart to pray with deep humility, seeking not an answer to my dilemma, but Christ Himself.  I missed that step the other night and I found myself being unable to handle the emotional weight of my own choices and behavior. 

God is faithful.  God is rich in mercy.  His grace saves me and brings me close to Him, reconciling me with the Father.  I am to seek Him.  Jennie Allen, in her book Get Out of Your Head, says, "When our thoughts are consumed with ourselves, we forget how very much we need Jesus." 

I'm not stressed today, nor overwhelmed.  I'm relaxed and thinking positively.  And I still am in desperate need of Jesus.  I am determining to seek Christ, choosing to set my mind on things that will please Him. And if at some point in my day I find myself at a junction, I'm coming back and reading this.  I want to be reminded of the lessons God teaches me, how He is calling me to be hidden in Him completely.  I'm setting my mind today to "feast on all the treasures of the heavenly realm and fill [my] thoughts with heavenly realities, and not with the distractions of the natural realm." (Colossians 3:2, The Passion Translation)  What's your mind set on?

Keep Rejoicing

I glanced at my June calendar the other morning and I was surprised.  It was basically filled with my work schedule and that's about it.  It didn't have the appearance of my typical June calendar.  There were no identifiers of fun evenings with friends, or lazy summer afternoon coffee with the girls.  There were no vacation markings or date night love notations.  It's Summer 2020.  And it's weird. 

Things are especially weird right now in our home. My husband had a meeting last week.  That's normal; he has many meetings.  One of the people he met with called him with the information that they had been in extensive contact with someone over the preceding weekend who  was now diagnosed with Covid-19.  Until we find out if the person he met with is infected, he's living in the trailer so that there is no risk to  me.  It's not awful. It's not fun.  It's strange and awkward.  He has food in the trailer for breakfast, lunch and snacks. I still make dinner and place it either on the deck table or on the freezer in the garage.  We face time while we dine. He doesn't have any symptoms so he's still doing his job, just from the trailer.  I go to work as I am scheduled and do the same things I normally do from home.  And it's bizarre and slightly unsettling.  It's not what we would ever choose.

I thought about our circumstance when I recently read Romans 5:1-6.  Verse 3 says, ". . .we also rejoice in our afflictions. . ."  I wouldn't say I am afflicted, that sounds so serious and terrible.   I admit I tend to interpret this verse as I am supposed to be happy about whatever stinks in my life.  Rejoice after all means to be glad, to take delight, to make joyful, according to the dictionary. When I hear the word rejoice I associate it with celebrating, enjoying one's self, enjoying others, having a party, laughing, singing, dancing, kicking up one's heels and reveling in the  moment.  I don't feel that way about our present living arrangement. 

Thankfully Paul doesn't make the statement about rejoicing in Romans 5 and leave it standing alone unexplained.   Paul, in typical Paul fashion, uses many words to drive home his idea.  Paul continues his thought through verses 4 and 5, with reasons for rejoicing. 

• Going through afflictions produces endurance.  Endurance is that ability to keep going, to keep pressing forward.  That raises the question in my mind "What am I to be moving forward toward?"  Paul gives the answer to that in verses 1 and 2, before he instructs us to rejoice in stuff that isn't what we would choose.  Verses 1 and 2 remind us that we have been declared righteous because Jesus offered himself as a perfect sacrifice; Jesus was the penalty payment for our sins when he died on the cross.  We now have peace with God and the opportunity to have deep intimacy with the Almighty One who created us.  We stand in grace that not only offers us forgiveness, but also offers us entry into eternal life with the Father.  We get to have deep intimacy with God for the rest of all time. That's something to celebrate!  We are moving forward toward experiencing God face to face for eternity.  We are pressing toward the life God had planned for man when He created Eden.  We are enduring through afflictions so that we can live the life we were all meant to live.
• As we continue to endure, our character is proven.  We are becoming more anchored in Christ through this process of rejoicing in the fact that we are declared righteous, that we stand in grace, and that we are continually moving toward heaven, even when the circumstances of life are less than favorable.  As we commit to celebrating over our salvation even when life is tough, the Spirit produces evidence of His work in our individual lives.  Galatians 5:22 says, "But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control…" Those characteristics, as they appear consistently in our lives, are proof to us and to others, that we have pledged ourselves devoted to Jesus who gave His life for us.  We see Him as someone to always get excited over, to be glad about, to express joy  in respect to what He as done.
• As our character becomes more and more formed into the image of Christ, our hope becomes stronger and deeper.  I have realized the more my life is filled with Jesus, the deeper is my desire to be with Him.  I want to experience His presence, His pleasure and His affirmation.  I want to spend time with Him each morning. I set aside time to know Him more intimately and I work to pattern my life after all He says is significant.  I long for our relationship to be more rooted and pervasive; I anticipate the day when I will be held in complete awe over the extent of His fully revealed glory. The hope of the someday of eternity becomes more real and more wildly exciting the more my life is intertwined with my Savior, Jesus Christ.  Paul affirms this idea when he says in verse 5 "This hope will not disappoint us, because God's love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who was given to us."  God's Holy Spirit is already giving each of us a taste of this grand hope by allowing us to savor the love He is generously pouring into us.  

Does it still feel complicated?  Overwhelming?  Are you still thinking "I'm supposed to be happy over what?"  Let me try to simplify.  We are to rejoice over who Jesus is and what He has done for us, while we are experiencing circumstances that we would never choose, because it draws us into greater intimacy with the One who created us and loves us most.  When we are afflicted and still rejoice, we learn how to lean on His strength instead of trying to muscle through on our own.  We grasp deeper understanding of truths like God's ways and thoughts are higher than ours (Isaiah 55:9) and God's presence is my good (Psalms 73:28). We encounter the Holy Spirit and open the door for Him to shape us.  We take steps of obedience that create evidences, to ourselves and to others, that we are different from the world because we belong to a different Kingdom.  We gain the practice of focusing more on what Christ says is important, not what this earth says is significant.

Jesus didn't die for us so that we would be saved and then beat down by the circumstances of this earthly life.  Jesus' love for each of us extends so far beyond salvation.  John 10:10 says that Christ came to provide abundant life.  I recently read this quote: "Let every opportunity that comes to you this day be the open doorway into [God's] presence."  (from Whispers, June 29, Brian Simmons and Gretchen Rodriquez)  This statement makes me wonder if I become too focused on my circumstance do I then become unaware of His love being poured into me moment by moment by moment?

Can I ask you three questions?  They are the questions I asked myself as I was reading Romans 5:1-6.  They enabled me to step back from what was going on in my life and make space for God.  1.) What are your current afflictions? List out those things that are hard; make you frustrated; leave you wiped out; cause you to  feel alone or sad.   2.) How do you imagine your afflictions look from God's point of view?  Consider how He might want to use them for your good, to make you more like Christ. Remember or search out scripture passages that speak to how God sees you.  3.) What step of obedience is God asking of you so that you can keep pressing forward toward hope.  Sit in God's presence, quiet your heart and your mind, wait patiently and listen actively for the Holy Spirit to speak. 

God's love is pouring into your heart at this very moment.  He is faithful.  He is with you.  He is offering grace.  He wants to hear you rejoicing.  He wants you to hope.

Mirror, Mirror on the Wall

Do you like introspection?  I know several people who seem to like it, or perhaps it's just that they like the outcome well enough that they appear to jump into introspection without hesitation.  I, on the other hand, avoid introspection much like some people are avoiding the Corona Virus. I will do just about anything, cleaning bathrooms included, to not look deep within myself and answer difficult questions.  I know it's a fear problem.  I'm afraid I'll find out something about myself that screams failure.  I'm afraid that once that label of failure is pulled out and stuck on some portion of who I am, it will multiply and cover my entire person.  Add to my fear the fact that delving deep into one's inner self is hard work, and this fun-loving girl is off to find some ice cream and a good book.

The idea of fun has been a somewhat invisible concept in our world lately.  There is hurt and pain and dissonance.  There is protesting and anger and argument.  There are derailed plans, loss of jobs, and strange illnesses.  There is fear and isolation and disappointment and depression.  Many of us feel lonely, misunderstood, abused, judged, trapped, bored and cheated out of what should have been.  I can see several of these in my own life and it doesn't take any serious introspection to unveil the sadness.  With all that is currently attacking our culture, social media is flooded with the idea of evaluating one's inner processing.  I remind you: I don't like introspection. Perhaps you are like me.  I want an easy answer;  I want a quick fix to hard circumstances. I want a simple to do list to correct my skewed perceptions.  I want to be able to just do what is necessary to rebuild my brokenness and move on.  I want to rip off the band-aids that I've used to cover up my issues and then push quickly beyond, forgetting my issues were ever even there. 

I don't think that's going to happen.  Nor do I think that's healthy or wise.

I week or so ago I read the first chapter in the book of James.  It's the chapter where James talks about being a doer, not just a hearer.  I was thumbing back through my journal and came across some notes I had jotted down.  God's Holy Spirit drew me toward what I had written and the questions I had wondered. He challenged my soul to look more deeply into what He was saying in His Word. 

James begins his letter talking about the benefits of tough times (verses 2-18).  James clearly states that we are to lean into God for wisdom when we go through circumstances that are demanding or grievous or oppressive or even just puzzling. James goes on to say that we need to be steadfast in continually seeking to see life from God's perspective.  We need to be aligning what we believe to be important with what God says is important, because every truly good and perfect gift is something God provides.

James most have known shifting one's perspective is especially difficult, because he gives practical tips to help us with our about-face.  He tells us to listen well, wait to speak, and keep our anger in check (verse 19).  He also graciously informs his readers that following his three simple tips will be easier if we clean our life of "moral filth" and "prevalent evil" (verse 21).  We are to be investing our time and energy in actively learning about and obeying God's Word, His precepts and His commands.  James sums up this concept succinctly by stating: "be doers of the word and not hearers only…" (verse 22).

Then James provides the supposedly clarifying image of someone who looks in a mirror, but forgets what he looks like (verses 23 and 24). I've always thought it was a weird concept.  How does one forget what one looks like?  In my quirky imagination, I see a person viewing her reflection and then as she walks away, her face slowly fades until there are no features visible to describe. It could make for a really freaky movie. James states that if you are not a doer, just a hearer, you are deceiving yourself.  This deception is like looking in the mirror and then forgetting what you look like.  James 1:24 in the CSB versions says, "For he looks at himself, goes away, and immediately forgets what kind of person he was."  That is interesting phrasing to me.  I have always thought of this person as forgetting what he looked like, not forgetting what kind of person he was.  I can see the connection to deceiving oneself with this idea.  I'm sure I often remain blissfully unaware of what I really look like, because I look once in the mirror in the morning, give my appearance a mental thumbs up, and assume everything will look exactly the same later…  not taking into account the wind, the rain, some perspiration, and so on. By the end of the day I could easily be living in the perception that I'm looking good, when I may look as if I just survived a tornado!  

You may be wondering, how does that image connect with being a doer of the word, not just a hearer?  I took some time and studied some of the individual words.  First of all, the word for look means more than just glancing at ones self.  It means to observe fully, consider, even to the point of discovering something about ones' self.  The words for "own face" can be translated "his natural face."  The word for natural is the word genesis meaning one's natural self or one's nature.  When I consider these definitions I come to this conclusion:  when you look into the Word and just listen to it, it's like taking the time to do some serious introspection, discovering what you are really like, with all your flaws and misperceptions and sins that you try to cover up, but you are unwilling to change anything.  It's like looking in a mirror and noticing you've got dirt all over your face.  You might say something like, "Oh! Look! There's that dirt!" but you don't clean it up, and once you've walked away you forget about the dirt and figure you're looking fine.

James is talking to believers, people who claim to be changed by the truth of who Jesus is and what He did on the cross.  As believers, we are followers of Christ and want to live life the way that He lived life.  We know we are sinners and that we are always in desperate need of God's grace.  James is challenging us to not get stuck and says things like, "that's just how I am!"  James wants us to lean into God for His wisdom, and then take His wisdom so seriously that we follow through with action. James wants us to take the time for introspection, recognizing our individual struggle points, and then doing the work to align our beliefs and behaviors so that they match God's wisdom. Introspection is more easily accomplished when I am quick to listen to the Holy Spirit, slow to retaliate or rationalize, and slow to be defensive  or angry about what is revealed. As James 1:23 says, we are to "humbly receive the implanted word, which is able to save [our] souls."

If I'm  honest, the Holy Spirit's revelation made me a bit nervous.  I knew he was leading me to the dreaded introspection.  He has been reminding me that God loves me, period.  I don't need to be afraid.  I've come to the conclusion that to be a doer is not just about stepping forward into action, or checking things off a holy to-do list.  I am to saturate myself in the person of Jesus Christ.  I am to be continually seeking His wisdom and His perspective on all elements of my life.  I need to do the inner delving and know myself clearly from God's point of view.  I need to do the necessary changes to align my beliefs, perceptions, attitudes and behaviors so that they match God's righteousness.   It sounds a bit scary.  And James 1:25 reassures me that it's how I discover freedom, and it's how I become blessed.  It's time to take a look in the mirror. 

Soaring

I had a day last week when I hit the pinnacle of corona virus sheltering-at-home success; I was back to living life with flair! My husband finished the final step in attaining his doctorate and he had a new title. The previous evening, while he was out of the house, I created congratulatory signs for the lawn. On the day of his big achievement, I muscled my signs deep into the dirt of our front lawn, I gleefully tied graduation balloons to the fence bordering our front steps, and then strutted out into the street to snap a few pictures. I congratulated myself heartily on a job well done.  I didn't have a new title, but I was back to reigning as the Queen of Fun.  I could hardly wait for him to get home from  work.  I prepared his favorite meal: Tacos, Juanitas (the best tortilla chip ever) and guacamole, with fresh warm brownies to finish out our simple festivities. I admit to being a bit giddy as I anticipated his arrival.  He was appropriately surprised and delighted, and we proceeded to have one of those ideal evenings only older married people seem to carry off and think is enchanting.  When I laid my head down that night my whole body was smiling.  I felt deliciously happy and good.

I bounded out of bed the following morning and dropped from a jubilant 10 to a dismal 3 in less than five minutes.  The day was cloudy, dreary and rainy.  I felt like someone had punched all the oomph out of my Queen of Fun reign.  I didn't feel innovative, witty or playful in any form.  I looked out the window and matched my mood too quickly to the weather.  It didn’t feel as if there was anything to look forward to in this new day, it appeared to be just another day at home with the typical mundane things to do.  The thought of "why try?" sauntered through my brain and found a cushy chair to take up residence in.  This new tenant pricked, prodded and prompted me to venture down into the box canyon of No Mo' Motivation.  I was on the verge of succumbing to her proposal to just play some games on my phone, when the power of habit broke through my fog.  I sat in my front room, coffee cup in hand and opened my Bible to visit with Jesus.  Let's just say I wasn't at my cheery best.

Jesus and I read through Isaiah 40:25-31. The passage begins with God asking "who is my equal,"  and then He goes on to point out the multitude of stars and the fact that He knows them all by name.  I imagine Jesus was whispering things like, "That's so cool! Did you catch that?  The Father calls ALL the stars by name! Wow!  That's a lot of stars to know! God is amazing!"  I couldn't seem to be moved.  In fact, I read the rest of the passage through somewhat cynical eyes.  I wonder how disappointed Jesus was with my lack of enthusiasm.  My husband would've left the conversation and found something else to do instead of dealing with my mood.  Jesus began to nudge me toward verse 27.  "Jacob, why do you say, and Israel, why do you assert: 'My way is hidden from the Lord, and my claim is ignored by my God'?"  In a moment of clarity I realized I was verse 27.  I may have been going through the motions of believing, but I was allowing my circumstances to convince me God didn't see me, or if He did see me, He didn't care.  Have you been there?  Are you there now as you live through the pandemic in your corner of the world?

We tend to think our boredom and the dragging of our feet as we live in our monotony are hidden from God.  After all, wouldn't a loving father make life more enchanting, provide an activity or a gift to keep us living happy lives? Perhaps we think He's just sitting up in heaven rolling his eyes at us and wishing we'd stop whining because, after all, this isn't eternity! We tend to see God in the ways we secretly know we respond to the complaining of others.  All the while we are entertaining the idea: "Surely we deserve some soaring on wings like eagles," drawn from the thirty-first verse of Isaiah 40.

I have a tendency to jump to the idea of soaring without putting in the effort to do the discipline of trusting.  Do you do that too?  We are eager to go gliding, after all that sounds fun and exhilarating! I find myself telling God how I want to soar, where I want to soar, when I want to soar and exactly how I think it should all play out.  Do you do that too?  Maybe we've misunderstood what it means to soar? 

Isaiah 40:31, the soaring verse, begins with this statement, "but those who trust in the Lord will renew their strength." Those who trust: those who set their own ideas aside; those who don't try to fix circumstances on their own; those who don't 'soldier through'; those who recognize God is the one with the wisdom and the knowledge; those who perceive the drastic difference between who they are and who God is; those who know there is no one equal to God; those who wonder over the truth that God knows all the stars by name.

Isaiah 40:28 and 29 clearly give us proof why we should trust.  "Do you not know? Have you not heard?  The Lord is the everlasting God, the Creator of the whole earth.  He never becomes faint or weary; there is no limit to his understanding.  He gives strength to the faint and strengthens the powerless."  God knows about the corona virus.  He's not surprised in any way.  God knows about our feelings  of boredom.  God knows our longing for freedom.  God knows the boundaries we feel compelled to live within and He knows how we are handling those boundaries.  God knows our battle to keep sadness, loneliness, and depression at bay.  "There is no limit to His understanding."

The Amplified version gave my heart's struggle some clarity.  "…They will lift up their wings [and rise up close to God] like eagles [rising toward the sun]…"   This passage isn't promising that any of us will soar above all the hassles of life and not be affected by them when we trust in God.  It does promise us renewed strength.  Our strength is refreshed because we are drawing near to God, the one who really does understand it all, from every angle, with every detail considered.  If I want to go gliding with Jesus, if you want to go along with us, we need to learn to trust more.  I admit it's easier said than done.

Once I began to get beyond my moody reaction to the morning, Jesus began to peal back the verses we were looking at together.  His precious Holy Spirit revealed 4 things to help me trust.

1. See God for who He is.  He is the one who created the stars and even named them.   He knows how many there are and He makes sure none of them go missing.  He is the everlasting God.  He is the creator of the entire world.
2. Believe God cares.  Believe God sees me and knows me.  He's the God who was aware of what Jacob and Israel where complaining about.  He's the God who has no limit to His understanding.  He's the God who gives strength to the faint and/or powerless, knowing there is nothing to be given in return.
3. Accept it may not be all perfect and easy.  Even young men get worn out and become exhausted.  They stumble at times and even fall down.  All of us have limitations and life will exceed what we can handle on our own.
4. Circumstances may not change and I can still be renewed. God refreshes our strength so that we can move forward.  He enables us to do what we didn't think we could do.  He empowers us to do what we perhaps didn't want to do. 

When we rise up close to God, when we are soaring, we don't experience life from a bird's eye view high above all the muck.  We see God.  That's why we soar.  Trusting leads us to stop ourselves in the middle of our whining and remember who God is.  Trusting teaches us to pray, knowing God deeply cares and wants to hear from us.  Trusting prompts us to praise God for how He is showing up in the midst of the monotonous and mundane to reveal His glory in our lives.  

I'm ready to soar.  I'm eager to go gliding with Jesus.  Are you game?  We begin by ending the pity party; we start by to stopping our whining. It's time to test our wings a bit and look for how God is showing  up in the midst of our every day lives.  The moment to rise up close to God is now. 

With a Devoted Heart

I've had the word reverence floating around in my brain for several weeks now.  It's an old fashioned word; people don't use it much these days.  We lean more into words like admiration, esteem and worship.  They are great words, and I don't think they have the depth of meaning that reverence has.  Since I've started contemplating all the ins and outs of holding God in reverence,  I've read His word with a fresh perspective. 

I recently read Acts 11:19-26.  It's about the church in Antioch.  Luke tells us that when the believers were scattered after Stephen's stoning, some of them ended up in Antioch.  They shared the good news of Jesus, and they stepped out of the box of only sharing with the Jews, proclaiming the good news to Greeks!  That's quite a radical move!  Didn't they know that there are boundaries one is supposed to live in?!  Evidently not, and it's a good thing for us today since we have benefitted from that out-of-the-box thinking.  Reaching out to the Greeks back then, meant that those of us today, who are not from a Jewish lineage, have been welcomed into the family.  That little bit of scripture made my brain give a little "ding-ding-ding!" as I began to process who is outside of my typical box of interaction.  Boxes are safe places, and I sensed God nudging me a bit to think outside of my risk-free zone.  I'm still ruminating on that; I'm listening for God's direction.

I continued to read the story in Acts. The church in Jerusalem hears what those out-of-the-box thinkers are doing in Antioch and so they send Barnabas to go check things out.  It's a wise move for an organization to make sure all affiliates are behaving within the scope of the groups stated mission.  I love what happens next.  Barnabas doesn't see problems or the possible long term effects and consequences of reaching outside the box.  Barnabas sees "the grace of God."  I want to be like that.  I want to see things and events that make me squirmy and uncomfortable and look beyond the direct circumstance in front of me. I want to see God's grace reaching into, around and beyond what makes me panicky on the inside. 

It gets better.

Scripture tells us Barnabas was "glad and encouraged all of them to remain true to the Lord with devoted hearts."  (Acts 11:23, CSB)  This is were my brain really went "ding-ding-ding!"  It's like my mind lit up with a neon sign flashing "Reverence! Reverence! Reverence!"  God's Spirit pointed out a couple of details tucked in between the lines. 

The first detail I noticed is when you step out of the box, tough temptations will soon come calling.  In light of that, it makes so much sense that Barnabas would encourage them to stay true to the Lord.  I know that in my out-of-the-box moments I get energized and excited and have a tendency to rush ahead of where God is leading.  That too-fast-forward movement makes it highly possible for me to go somewhere God doesn't want me to go, or isn't ready for me to go there yet. 

Then God led me to focus on the phrase: "stay true to the Lord."  Stay: remain with Him.  Dwell where He chooses to be.  Stand in the grace God has given.  Step out of the box, but don't travel out of bounds.  Stay true:  remember what is Truth.  Be consistent with what the Word says.  Listen to the Holy Spirit.  Value the knowledge of others who are deep in their faith.  Remain Devoted:  hold God in reverence.  Worship Him with adoration.  Recognize your desperate need for the blood of Jesus.  Be thankful for all that God gives and provides.  Do all things in the name of Jesus, esteeming and honoring the very essence of who Christ is. 

It's fascinating to me how God's Word speaks such power and encouragement in one verse.  I'll be honest, I'm not currently doing anything, or living in any way, that someone would define as living "outside the box."  It's not my usual mode of operation.  I may be more playful than some, and  probably more exuberant than most, and I still live a fairly predictable life.  And ~ God is challenging me to step outside my predetermined secure boundary lines and relax into reverence.  He's revealing to my heart that being brave enough to live adventurously for Him is anchored in holding Him in constant holy awe.  Who would've thought that reverence, a word that conjures up quiet solemn sanctuaries would be the open door to wild and free living in Jesus?

"Come, let us shout joyfully to the Lord, shout triumphantly to the rock of our salvation!  Let us enter his presence with thanksgiving; let us shout triumphantly to him in song.  For the Lord is a great God, a great King above all gods.  The depths of the earth are in his hand, and the mountain  peaks are his.  The sea is his; he made it.  His hands formed the dry land.  Come, let us worship and bow down; let us kneel before the Lord our Maker.  For he is our God, and we are the  people of his pasture, the sheep under his care."  Psalms 95:1-7 (CSB)

Seeing Fruit

In the new world of Zoom, I've hit a major wall of frustration.  The camera on my laptop is giving me fits.  I happily log into meetings on Zoom, anticipating the connection with people I know and appreciate.  I see their sweet faces and then see my screen black where my face should be.  I want to interact with my face and not just my voice, I want others to see my expressions and my reactions, and I'm struggling to get my computer to cooperate.  I've gone through all the steps to trouble shoot the problem and still am unable to get my camera to work consistently.  It seems there is no rhyme or reason to why it works some moments and other moments be completely inoperative. 

I spent several hours yesterday, as did my sweet husband, going through various hoops to figure out the best solution.  We eliminated several possibilities so I suppose that's progress.  I hit a point though where I was emotionally spent.  I felt dumb, my brain couldn't seem to figure out new possibilities and I had no understanding of what had already been accomplished.  My husband knew I was done as well; he was gentle and kind, giving me space as I needed and hugs as I needed.  I set aside working on it and we watched some episodes of The Saint to relax.  I went to bed believing that in the morning I would awaken with a refreshed spirit.

This morning, when I got up, my body was refreshed, but my spirit was still tired.  I felt like the Psalmist when he says, "Why, my soul, are you downcast? Why so disturbed within me?..." (Psalm 42:5).  Rationally I knew it was just video on Zoom.  It wasn't life threatening, I could still do what I needed to do, and yet it was holding me in a grasp that I found difficult to break free from.  I grabbed my cup of coffee and sat in my chair to meet with Jesus.  The passage of the morning was Galatians 5:22-25, the fruit of the Spirit. 

God's Holy Spirit began to nudge me.  Since the passage is so familiar I didn't feel the usual tug to do word studies or background references.  I know that the traits listed as fruit of the Spirit are evidences of Jesus in my life.  The Holy Spirit prompted me to beginning journaling how I perceived spiritual fruit would appear in my current circumstance.  God's Spirit began to speak to my spirit and I began to write.

     *love others even if I feel sad, frustrated, downcast

     *care about them: rejoice with them over things that excite them, be willing to listen (even

       though I feel like hiding in my room all alone)

     *rejoice, express joy, over the  truth that I am covered in grace

     *have joy because I know Jesus has redeemed me, and His Holy Spirit lives in me

     *have an attitude of peace; trust God, look for ways God is showing up in my circumstance

     *respond with patience; trust the truth that God knows best, and His timing is perfect

     *be gentle with myself, don't set unrealistic expectations

     *be gentle with others; do not take my negative emotions out on others

     *be willing to be helpful even if I want to stomp my feet and be selfish

     *be truly interested in another person's immediate need, even if I don't feel as if my immediate

       need is being met as I imagined

     *remind my heart and anchor my emotions in  the truth that God sees me and knows me, and the

       circumstance I am experiencing

     *Rest in the truth that God is my portion and He is always enough

     *take every thought captive so that all I dwell on is anchored in the truth of who God is and who

       He says I am

     *seek to treat others as Jesus would treat them, not lashing  out or treating them reactively from

       my frustrated emotions

God's Spirit continued to nudge my heart as I read "Now those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the flesh with its passions and desires."  Again God prompted me to journal how I perceived this would look in my current circumstance.  The Holy Spirit spoke to my spirit and I began to write out a list in response to "if I a crucifying the flesh with it's passions and desires…"  

     *I'm not making everything about me and how I feel

     *I'm not taking my frustration out on others, especially my spouse

     *I'm not shopping online to just buy things with the hope that I'll feel better

     *I'm not eating whatever I want without consideration to my health or my health goals

     *I'm willing to pause in the middle of whatever and allow God's Spirit to confront me, mold me

     *I'm choosing to look outward toward loving others

     *I'm listening to the Spirit and how He wants to make the most of my day

     *I'm choosing to believe today holds the wonder of God.  I need to be alert and seek His Wonder

       with anticipation

The passage in Galatians then tells the believer to "keep in step with the Spirit."  The Holy Spirit then graciously reminded me of the truth in Psalms 139:5, "You hem me in behind and before, and you lay your hand on me."  God would do all He needed to do to help me, enable me, to remain in step with Him.  God Almighty is surrounding me today, every day.  He sees what is in front of me, and He knows what is trying to sneak up behind. And His hand is on me. He is beside me imparting His strength and belief in me.  He is standing with me and He wants me to be especially aware of His presence, His available wisdom, power and grace. 

I'm still having problems with Zoom.  I'm not back yet to my typical bouncy self.  And today is a good day.  I'm seeing the wonder of God.  I'm identifying His goodness to me in its various forms.  I'm actively participating in stepping forward with the Spirit.  The fruit of His presence is sweet. 

The First Step

In preparations for Easter, and honoring the fact that this is Holy Week, I read the story of Jesus' final Passover meal in the book of Matthew. It's a familiar passage; parts of it are often read or paraphrased when communion is served.  In His very gracious way, God revealed several new thoughts to my understanding of the passage.  One idea in particular has remained with me as I've gone through my morning tasks.

In Matthew 26:26 it says, "As they were eating, Jesus took bread, blessed and broke it, gave it to the disciples, and said, 'Take, and eat it; this is my body.'"  In the  past when I've read this passage, I've jumped to the significance of Jesus' words.  This morning God spoke to my heart through the first half of that short verse.

"As they were eating."  In the midst of the ordinary, Jesus changes everything.  The disciples were enjoying a traditional Passover meal.  They had probably already gone through the time-honored steps to relive the Israelites' escape from Egypt.  I imagine they were at a point of just enjoying one another's company.  Jesus then takes some bread, another ordinary event, and He begins to teach them something new. God does that often for me.  In the midst of the most ordinary settings, God steps in to teach me something new: about myself, about who He is, about what He wants for me, about how He changes the ordinary into something holy.

As I was thinking about my ordinary that God wants to inhabit, God directed my attention to the fact that Jesus picked up bread and before He began revealing new truth, He blessed it.  Jesus gave thanks for what was given, what was provided. Before Jesus enjoyed what was provided, He gave thanks.  Before He revealed fresh truth for the disciples, He expressed gratitude.  I thought about the story of Jesus feeding the five thousand and how he blessed the simple fish and bread of a young boy's lunch before He multiplied it.  Before a moment that introduced the idea of a new covenant to experience, Jesus expressed His gratefulness for what was provided. 

In the midst of a season that is not fun - in the middle of self-isolation and becoming too comfortable with one's own home - God nudged me to give thanks for what has been provided to me. Let me be clear: He wasn't just asking me to be thankful for things like food in my fridge, a comfortable home, and money to pay our bills. God reminded me that He has provided opportunities to be creative with my time, moments of quiet to reflect on my selfishness, more than enough time to come around to being obedient to what He asks of me, and an awareness that prayer is an active verb. He spoke to my heart and pointed out that blessing the provision is the first step.  God was asking me to be thankful for all the different aspects of my new way of living.  After the blessing, after realizing what has been given to me, after seeing God as my provider in all things and having a heart of true gratitude, only then am I ready to take the next step He has for me.  Perhaps He'll ask me to share what I've been provided.  Perhaps He'll work a miracle and multiply what I hold so that more can be given away than I could every imagine.  Perhaps He wants me to enjoy what He has provided, partake of gratitude and sustenance from His precious hand.   Perhaps He's going to provide a fresh experience that will reveal a new facet of who He is and how deeply He loves me. 

In the middle of everyone's new ordinary, God wants us to see how much He is providing.  God wants us to offer to Him a sacrifice of praise and thanksgiving.  Life right now feels a bit boring, and yet, the disciples entered that Passover meal not realizing how ultimately significant it would become.  I see Jesus standing before me, and He's holding the bread.  His Holy Spirit is nudging mine with the truth that He has so much He wants to teach me and reveal to me in these moments.  And I need to take the first step; I need to express my gratitude for the myriad of things He is providing for me in these ordinary moments.