Soaring

I had a day last week when I hit the pinnacle of corona virus sheltering-at-home success; I was back to living life with flair! My husband finished the final step in attaining his doctorate and he had a new title. The previous evening, while he was out of the house, I created congratulatory signs for the lawn. On the day of his big achievement, I muscled my signs deep into the dirt of our front lawn, I gleefully tied graduation balloons to the fence bordering our front steps, and then strutted out into the street to snap a few pictures. I congratulated myself heartily on a job well done.  I didn't have a new title, but I was back to reigning as the Queen of Fun.  I could hardly wait for him to get home from  work.  I prepared his favorite meal: Tacos, Juanitas (the best tortilla chip ever) and guacamole, with fresh warm brownies to finish out our simple festivities. I admit to being a bit giddy as I anticipated his arrival.  He was appropriately surprised and delighted, and we proceeded to have one of those ideal evenings only older married people seem to carry off and think is enchanting.  When I laid my head down that night my whole body was smiling.  I felt deliciously happy and good.

I bounded out of bed the following morning and dropped from a jubilant 10 to a dismal 3 in less than five minutes.  The day was cloudy, dreary and rainy.  I felt like someone had punched all the oomph out of my Queen of Fun reign.  I didn't feel innovative, witty or playful in any form.  I looked out the window and matched my mood too quickly to the weather.  It didn’t feel as if there was anything to look forward to in this new day, it appeared to be just another day at home with the typical mundane things to do.  The thought of "why try?" sauntered through my brain and found a cushy chair to take up residence in.  This new tenant pricked, prodded and prompted me to venture down into the box canyon of No Mo' Motivation.  I was on the verge of succumbing to her proposal to just play some games on my phone, when the power of habit broke through my fog.  I sat in my front room, coffee cup in hand and opened my Bible to visit with Jesus.  Let's just say I wasn't at my cheery best.

Jesus and I read through Isaiah 40:25-31. The passage begins with God asking "who is my equal,"  and then He goes on to point out the multitude of stars and the fact that He knows them all by name.  I imagine Jesus was whispering things like, "That's so cool! Did you catch that?  The Father calls ALL the stars by name! Wow!  That's a lot of stars to know! God is amazing!"  I couldn't seem to be moved.  In fact, I read the rest of the passage through somewhat cynical eyes.  I wonder how disappointed Jesus was with my lack of enthusiasm.  My husband would've left the conversation and found something else to do instead of dealing with my mood.  Jesus began to nudge me toward verse 27.  "Jacob, why do you say, and Israel, why do you assert: 'My way is hidden from the Lord, and my claim is ignored by my God'?"  In a moment of clarity I realized I was verse 27.  I may have been going through the motions of believing, but I was allowing my circumstances to convince me God didn't see me, or if He did see me, He didn't care.  Have you been there?  Are you there now as you live through the pandemic in your corner of the world?

We tend to think our boredom and the dragging of our feet as we live in our monotony are hidden from God.  After all, wouldn't a loving father make life more enchanting, provide an activity or a gift to keep us living happy lives? Perhaps we think He's just sitting up in heaven rolling his eyes at us and wishing we'd stop whining because, after all, this isn't eternity! We tend to see God in the ways we secretly know we respond to the complaining of others.  All the while we are entertaining the idea: "Surely we deserve some soaring on wings like eagles," drawn from the thirty-first verse of Isaiah 40.

I have a tendency to jump to the idea of soaring without putting in the effort to do the discipline of trusting.  Do you do that too?  We are eager to go gliding, after all that sounds fun and exhilarating! I find myself telling God how I want to soar, where I want to soar, when I want to soar and exactly how I think it should all play out.  Do you do that too?  Maybe we've misunderstood what it means to soar? 

Isaiah 40:31, the soaring verse, begins with this statement, "but those who trust in the Lord will renew their strength." Those who trust: those who set their own ideas aside; those who don't try to fix circumstances on their own; those who don't 'soldier through'; those who recognize God is the one with the wisdom and the knowledge; those who perceive the drastic difference between who they are and who God is; those who know there is no one equal to God; those who wonder over the truth that God knows all the stars by name.

Isaiah 40:28 and 29 clearly give us proof why we should trust.  "Do you not know? Have you not heard?  The Lord is the everlasting God, the Creator of the whole earth.  He never becomes faint or weary; there is no limit to his understanding.  He gives strength to the faint and strengthens the powerless."  God knows about the corona virus.  He's not surprised in any way.  God knows about our feelings  of boredom.  God knows our longing for freedom.  God knows the boundaries we feel compelled to live within and He knows how we are handling those boundaries.  God knows our battle to keep sadness, loneliness, and depression at bay.  "There is no limit to His understanding."

The Amplified version gave my heart's struggle some clarity.  "…They will lift up their wings [and rise up close to God] like eagles [rising toward the sun]…"   This passage isn't promising that any of us will soar above all the hassles of life and not be affected by them when we trust in God.  It does promise us renewed strength.  Our strength is refreshed because we are drawing near to God, the one who really does understand it all, from every angle, with every detail considered.  If I want to go gliding with Jesus, if you want to go along with us, we need to learn to trust more.  I admit it's easier said than done.

Once I began to get beyond my moody reaction to the morning, Jesus began to peal back the verses we were looking at together.  His precious Holy Spirit revealed 4 things to help me trust.

1. See God for who He is.  He is the one who created the stars and even named them.   He knows how many there are and He makes sure none of them go missing.  He is the everlasting God.  He is the creator of the entire world.
2. Believe God cares.  Believe God sees me and knows me.  He's the God who was aware of what Jacob and Israel where complaining about.  He's the God who has no limit to His understanding.  He's the God who gives strength to the faint and/or powerless, knowing there is nothing to be given in return.
3. Accept it may not be all perfect and easy.  Even young men get worn out and become exhausted.  They stumble at times and even fall down.  All of us have limitations and life will exceed what we can handle on our own.
4. Circumstances may not change and I can still be renewed. God refreshes our strength so that we can move forward.  He enables us to do what we didn't think we could do.  He empowers us to do what we perhaps didn't want to do. 

When we rise up close to God, when we are soaring, we don't experience life from a bird's eye view high above all the muck.  We see God.  That's why we soar.  Trusting leads us to stop ourselves in the middle of our whining and remember who God is.  Trusting teaches us to pray, knowing God deeply cares and wants to hear from us.  Trusting prompts us to praise God for how He is showing up in the midst of the monotonous and mundane to reveal His glory in our lives.  

I'm ready to soar.  I'm eager to go gliding with Jesus.  Are you game?  We begin by ending the pity party; we start by to stopping our whining. It's time to test our wings a bit and look for how God is showing  up in the midst of our every day lives.  The moment to rise up close to God is now. 

With a Devoted Heart

I've had the word reverence floating around in my brain for several weeks now.  It's an old fashioned word; people don't use it much these days.  We lean more into words like admiration, esteem and worship.  They are great words, and I don't think they have the depth of meaning that reverence has.  Since I've started contemplating all the ins and outs of holding God in reverence,  I've read His word with a fresh perspective. 

I recently read Acts 11:19-26.  It's about the church in Antioch.  Luke tells us that when the believers were scattered after Stephen's stoning, some of them ended up in Antioch.  They shared the good news of Jesus, and they stepped out of the box of only sharing with the Jews, proclaiming the good news to Greeks!  That's quite a radical move!  Didn't they know that there are boundaries one is supposed to live in?!  Evidently not, and it's a good thing for us today since we have benefitted from that out-of-the-box thinking.  Reaching out to the Greeks back then, meant that those of us today, who are not from a Jewish lineage, have been welcomed into the family.  That little bit of scripture made my brain give a little "ding-ding-ding!" as I began to process who is outside of my typical box of interaction.  Boxes are safe places, and I sensed God nudging me a bit to think outside of my risk-free zone.  I'm still ruminating on that; I'm listening for God's direction.

I continued to read the story in Acts. The church in Jerusalem hears what those out-of-the-box thinkers are doing in Antioch and so they send Barnabas to go check things out.  It's a wise move for an organization to make sure all affiliates are behaving within the scope of the groups stated mission.  I love what happens next.  Barnabas doesn't see problems or the possible long term effects and consequences of reaching outside the box.  Barnabas sees "the grace of God."  I want to be like that.  I want to see things and events that make me squirmy and uncomfortable and look beyond the direct circumstance in front of me. I want to see God's grace reaching into, around and beyond what makes me panicky on the inside. 

It gets better.

Scripture tells us Barnabas was "glad and encouraged all of them to remain true to the Lord with devoted hearts."  (Acts 11:23, CSB)  This is were my brain really went "ding-ding-ding!"  It's like my mind lit up with a neon sign flashing "Reverence! Reverence! Reverence!"  God's Spirit pointed out a couple of details tucked in between the lines. 

The first detail I noticed is when you step out of the box, tough temptations will soon come calling.  In light of that, it makes so much sense that Barnabas would encourage them to stay true to the Lord.  I know that in my out-of-the-box moments I get energized and excited and have a tendency to rush ahead of where God is leading.  That too-fast-forward movement makes it highly possible for me to go somewhere God doesn't want me to go, or isn't ready for me to go there yet. 

Then God led me to focus on the phrase: "stay true to the Lord."  Stay: remain with Him.  Dwell where He chooses to be.  Stand in the grace God has given.  Step out of the box, but don't travel out of bounds.  Stay true:  remember what is Truth.  Be consistent with what the Word says.  Listen to the Holy Spirit.  Value the knowledge of others who are deep in their faith.  Remain Devoted:  hold God in reverence.  Worship Him with adoration.  Recognize your desperate need for the blood of Jesus.  Be thankful for all that God gives and provides.  Do all things in the name of Jesus, esteeming and honoring the very essence of who Christ is. 

It's fascinating to me how God's Word speaks such power and encouragement in one verse.  I'll be honest, I'm not currently doing anything, or living in any way, that someone would define as living "outside the box."  It's not my usual mode of operation.  I may be more playful than some, and  probably more exuberant than most, and I still live a fairly predictable life.  And ~ God is challenging me to step outside my predetermined secure boundary lines and relax into reverence.  He's revealing to my heart that being brave enough to live adventurously for Him is anchored in holding Him in constant holy awe.  Who would've thought that reverence, a word that conjures up quiet solemn sanctuaries would be the open door to wild and free living in Jesus?

"Come, let us shout joyfully to the Lord, shout triumphantly to the rock of our salvation!  Let us enter his presence with thanksgiving; let us shout triumphantly to him in song.  For the Lord is a great God, a great King above all gods.  The depths of the earth are in his hand, and the mountain  peaks are his.  The sea is his; he made it.  His hands formed the dry land.  Come, let us worship and bow down; let us kneel before the Lord our Maker.  For he is our God, and we are the  people of his pasture, the sheep under his care."  Psalms 95:1-7 (CSB)

Seeing Fruit

In the new world of Zoom, I've hit a major wall of frustration.  The camera on my laptop is giving me fits.  I happily log into meetings on Zoom, anticipating the connection with people I know and appreciate.  I see their sweet faces and then see my screen black where my face should be.  I want to interact with my face and not just my voice, I want others to see my expressions and my reactions, and I'm struggling to get my computer to cooperate.  I've gone through all the steps to trouble shoot the problem and still am unable to get my camera to work consistently.  It seems there is no rhyme or reason to why it works some moments and other moments be completely inoperative. 

I spent several hours yesterday, as did my sweet husband, going through various hoops to figure out the best solution.  We eliminated several possibilities so I suppose that's progress.  I hit a point though where I was emotionally spent.  I felt dumb, my brain couldn't seem to figure out new possibilities and I had no understanding of what had already been accomplished.  My husband knew I was done as well; he was gentle and kind, giving me space as I needed and hugs as I needed.  I set aside working on it and we watched some episodes of The Saint to relax.  I went to bed believing that in the morning I would awaken with a refreshed spirit.

This morning, when I got up, my body was refreshed, but my spirit was still tired.  I felt like the Psalmist when he says, "Why, my soul, are you downcast? Why so disturbed within me?..." (Psalm 42:5).  Rationally I knew it was just video on Zoom.  It wasn't life threatening, I could still do what I needed to do, and yet it was holding me in a grasp that I found difficult to break free from.  I grabbed my cup of coffee and sat in my chair to meet with Jesus.  The passage of the morning was Galatians 5:22-25, the fruit of the Spirit. 

God's Holy Spirit began to nudge me.  Since the passage is so familiar I didn't feel the usual tug to do word studies or background references.  I know that the traits listed as fruit of the Spirit are evidences of Jesus in my life.  The Holy Spirit prompted me to beginning journaling how I perceived spiritual fruit would appear in my current circumstance.  God's Spirit began to speak to my spirit and I began to write.

     *love others even if I feel sad, frustrated, downcast

     *care about them: rejoice with them over things that excite them, be willing to listen (even

       though I feel like hiding in my room all alone)

     *rejoice, express joy, over the  truth that I am covered in grace

     *have joy because I know Jesus has redeemed me, and His Holy Spirit lives in me

     *have an attitude of peace; trust God, look for ways God is showing up in my circumstance

     *respond with patience; trust the truth that God knows best, and His timing is perfect

     *be gentle with myself, don't set unrealistic expectations

     *be gentle with others; do not take my negative emotions out on others

     *be willing to be helpful even if I want to stomp my feet and be selfish

     *be truly interested in another person's immediate need, even if I don't feel as if my immediate

       need is being met as I imagined

     *remind my heart and anchor my emotions in  the truth that God sees me and knows me, and the

       circumstance I am experiencing

     *Rest in the truth that God is my portion and He is always enough

     *take every thought captive so that all I dwell on is anchored in the truth of who God is and who

       He says I am

     *seek to treat others as Jesus would treat them, not lashing  out or treating them reactively from

       my frustrated emotions

God's Spirit continued to nudge my heart as I read "Now those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the flesh with its passions and desires."  Again God prompted me to journal how I perceived this would look in my current circumstance.  The Holy Spirit spoke to my spirit and I began to write out a list in response to "if I a crucifying the flesh with it's passions and desires…"  

     *I'm not making everything about me and how I feel

     *I'm not taking my frustration out on others, especially my spouse

     *I'm not shopping online to just buy things with the hope that I'll feel better

     *I'm not eating whatever I want without consideration to my health or my health goals

     *I'm willing to pause in the middle of whatever and allow God's Spirit to confront me, mold me

     *I'm choosing to look outward toward loving others

     *I'm listening to the Spirit and how He wants to make the most of my day

     *I'm choosing to believe today holds the wonder of God.  I need to be alert and seek His Wonder

       with anticipation

The passage in Galatians then tells the believer to "keep in step with the Spirit."  The Holy Spirit then graciously reminded me of the truth in Psalms 139:5, "You hem me in behind and before, and you lay your hand on me."  God would do all He needed to do to help me, enable me, to remain in step with Him.  God Almighty is surrounding me today, every day.  He sees what is in front of me, and He knows what is trying to sneak up behind. And His hand is on me. He is beside me imparting His strength and belief in me.  He is standing with me and He wants me to be especially aware of His presence, His available wisdom, power and grace. 

I'm still having problems with Zoom.  I'm not back yet to my typical bouncy self.  And today is a good day.  I'm seeing the wonder of God.  I'm identifying His goodness to me in its various forms.  I'm actively participating in stepping forward with the Spirit.  The fruit of His presence is sweet. 

The First Step

In preparations for Easter, and honoring the fact that this is Holy Week, I read the story of Jesus' final Passover meal in the book of Matthew. It's a familiar passage; parts of it are often read or paraphrased when communion is served.  In His very gracious way, God revealed several new thoughts to my understanding of the passage.  One idea in particular has remained with me as I've gone through my morning tasks.

In Matthew 26:26 it says, "As they were eating, Jesus took bread, blessed and broke it, gave it to the disciples, and said, 'Take, and eat it; this is my body.'"  In the  past when I've read this passage, I've jumped to the significance of Jesus' words.  This morning God spoke to my heart through the first half of that short verse.

"As they were eating."  In the midst of the ordinary, Jesus changes everything.  The disciples were enjoying a traditional Passover meal.  They had probably already gone through the time-honored steps to relive the Israelites' escape from Egypt.  I imagine they were at a point of just enjoying one another's company.  Jesus then takes some bread, another ordinary event, and He begins to teach them something new. God does that often for me.  In the midst of the most ordinary settings, God steps in to teach me something new: about myself, about who He is, about what He wants for me, about how He changes the ordinary into something holy.

As I was thinking about my ordinary that God wants to inhabit, God directed my attention to the fact that Jesus picked up bread and before He began revealing new truth, He blessed it.  Jesus gave thanks for what was given, what was provided. Before Jesus enjoyed what was provided, He gave thanks.  Before He revealed fresh truth for the disciples, He expressed gratitude.  I thought about the story of Jesus feeding the five thousand and how he blessed the simple fish and bread of a young boy's lunch before He multiplied it.  Before a moment that introduced the idea of a new covenant to experience, Jesus expressed His gratefulness for what was provided. 

In the midst of a season that is not fun - in the middle of self-isolation and becoming too comfortable with one's own home - God nudged me to give thanks for what has been provided to me. Let me be clear: He wasn't just asking me to be thankful for things like food in my fridge, a comfortable home, and money to pay our bills. God reminded me that He has provided opportunities to be creative with my time, moments of quiet to reflect on my selfishness, more than enough time to come around to being obedient to what He asks of me, and an awareness that prayer is an active verb. He spoke to my heart and pointed out that blessing the provision is the first step.  God was asking me to be thankful for all the different aspects of my new way of living.  After the blessing, after realizing what has been given to me, after seeing God as my provider in all things and having a heart of true gratitude, only then am I ready to take the next step He has for me.  Perhaps He'll ask me to share what I've been provided.  Perhaps He'll work a miracle and multiply what I hold so that more can be given away than I could every imagine.  Perhaps He wants me to enjoy what He has provided, partake of gratitude and sustenance from His precious hand.   Perhaps He's going to provide a fresh experience that will reveal a new facet of who He is and how deeply He loves me. 

In the middle of everyone's new ordinary, God wants us to see how much He is providing.  God wants us to offer to Him a sacrifice of praise and thanksgiving.  Life right now feels a bit boring, and yet, the disciples entered that Passover meal not realizing how ultimately significant it would become.  I see Jesus standing before me, and He's holding the bread.  His Holy Spirit is nudging mine with the truth that He has so much He wants to teach me and reveal to me in these moments.  And I need to take the first step; I need to express my gratitude for the myriad of things He is providing for me in these ordinary moments. 

Strong Obedience

I'm struggling today with obedience.  During my morning coffee with Jesus, He gave me several A-has!! that I knew I should share. I did typical morning things like exercising, showering, getting dressed, unloading the dishwasher, eating breakfast and catching up on the news.  I bemoaned the rain to my husband, I sorted and began doing laundry, I checked Facebook, Instagram and my email several times, and I allowed myself to get sucked into a game I've recently downloaded onto my phone.  I kept hearing God nudge me and I said (too many times) "just one more game."  It's a bit ironic that following through with obedience to blog is my struggle today since I the A-has the Holy Spirit gave me were from the story of Abraham being willing to sacrifice Isaac. 

The story is found in Genesis 22:1-19, and in the story Abraham shows amazing willingness and follow-through in the concept of obedience.  I most definitely didn't follow the example he left this morning.  And God is gracious and forgiving, for which I am exceedingly grateful.  The lesson of strong obedience is difficult for me.  Some might describe Abraham's obedience as blind because he went where God told him to go when he didn't know where he was going (Genesis 12:1) and he was willing to sacrifice his only son without knowing how God would fulfill the promise He had given Abraham to make him the father of many nations (Genesis 17:4).  I think Abraham saw what I evidently struggle to see.  Abraham had an ability to see that God is, that God is sovereign, that God is worthy of all worship, that God can be trusted whatever the circumstance. God revealed three fresh insights to me as I read His story of Abraham. 

The first thing God's Holy Spirit pointed out to me is found in Genesis 22:2.  God gave Abraham the instruction to offer Isaac as a burnt offering.  God revealed He knew Abraham well because He knows Abraham sees Isaac as his only son, even though Abraham is the father of Ishmael as well.  God also identifies that he recognizes how deeply Abraham loves Isaac.  And yet, God tells Abraham to give his son over as a sacrifice "on one of the mountains I will tell you about."  God asks Abraham to follow through on an excruciating step of obedience and doesn't even give the full details of the obedience up front. If I had been Abraham I would have had a ton of questions!  They would've flowed from my mouth like a dam that had burst, with probably the same intensity!  God's word only says that Abraham got up early the next morning to do what God asked.  I may not have asked a multitude of questions this morning as to why God wanted me to share what He revealed to me, but I certainly didn't immediately step forward in strong obedience.  So many times God has had to prod and remind me of what He has asked me to do, so many times I've questioned and presented possibilities before the Lord hoping for more clarification before I begin the task He's presented to me.  God's Holy Spirit revealed this truth to my heart:

 Strong obedience requires one to be in constant communication with God.

Perhaps God doesn't always provide all the details because He knows we need to listen carefully to Him all along the way. 

The second A-ha! God's Holy Spirit gave me was found in verse 5. "Then Abraham said to his young men, 'Stay here with the donkey.  The boy and I will go over there to worship; then we'll come back to you.' "  I was struck by the phrase "go over there to worship."  Abraham knew what God had asked of him, he knew what was to occur next and God had yet to reveal a different  plan.  God's Spirit spoke this truth:

Obedience is an act of worship.

Abraham recognized that God is worthy of whatever He asks of us.  God is holy, righteous and sovereign.  There is no one greater, no name higher.  I think I get caught up in the idea that worship is singing a praise song to God and connecting on some emotional level.  There is worship in praising and worship is so much more.  Worshiping recognizes the worth of another and is willing to go to whatever lengths to honor and revere the one who is worshiped.  God Almighty is the Creator of all, the King over all kings, the Lord above every other lord.  No one is greater.  He is the I AM, the One and Only.  To truly worship one as great as our God requires me to sacrifice anything and everything He asks, or I'm declaring He isn't worth more than what I want or think. 

The final A-ha! God's Spirit revealed to me was found in the footnotes for verse 14 (don't you just love that the Holy Spirit can use anything?!).  In verse 14, Abraham names the place where God provided a ram for sacrifice and rescued Isaac The Lord will Provide, or Yahweh-yireh.  The second half of the verse reads, "…so today it is said: 'It will be provided on the Lord's mountain.' "  The foot note says that the phrase "it will be provided" can also  be translated "He will be seen." What God provided was God revealing Himself to be seen. God's Spirit spoke powerfully to my soul with this truth:

God Himself is the Provider and the Provision.

It is so easy for me to bring my needs before God and look for the provision He provides.  I look for how He provides the finances for an unexpected bill; I look for His provision of patience so I can handle a difficult circumstance; I look for His provision of an extra blessing to encourage my downcast spirit; I look for His provision of courage so I can take a step of faith or obedience; I look for His provision of hope from His Word so I can remain steady in times of crisis.  God is so gracious  to provide each of those things.  The shift that the Holy Spirit challenged my heart to see is that I need to look for God Himself in what He provides and not just the provision.  He is my resource.  He is the answer to my every need. God provides for me by helping me to see Him more clearly, more often, more completely.

Somehow, Abraham was able to see God first, foremost, only over all his questions and concerns.  That ability to see God enabled Abraham to have strong obedience.  I journaled the following questions this morning:   Do I see God?  Am I looking?  Do I live out every choice from the belief that God is?  Do I recognize that God is with me right now; longing to interact with me right now; calling me to listen and obey right now?  Am I longing more to see the provision or to truly experience God? 

God is still teaching me strong obedience.  I'm still learning to focus less on God's actual provision and more on the fact that God's provision enables me to see Him.  I'm recognizing that God wants me to lean on Him continually, so it's okay if I don't always know what's next.  The more I lean, the more I see God, the greater my worship.  He is worthy. 

Fresh A-has!

Have you noticed that our culture is currently caught between two extremes of reaching out to help others in need, and selfishly stockpiling items in fear of not having enough.  The two extremes can even easily come from the very same person, who doesn't recognize the discrepancy.  How do I know?  God has been clearly pointing out to me my own regular, daily, selfish behavior.  I haven't been stockpiling, and I have still bought more than I need of some things (don't begrudge me my sweet and salty popcorn). This morning God spoke as I read the story of Jesus feeding the five thousand. The Holy Spirit presented some fresh "A-has!" and then He nudged my spirit to seek forgiveness and pray for more committed obedience. 

A-ha #1:  I am like the disciples.  Jesus tells the disciples in Matthew 14:16 "They don't need to go away.  You give them something to eat."  There is a LARGE crowd.  It's late in the day, and it's most definitely dinner time.  The disciples think Jesus should dismiss the crowd so that they can go find something to eat.  I totally get their plan.  After all, the disciples recognized the crowd  was hungry and they came up with a workable idea.  They aren't asking them to sit through another story, or just hang on a bit longer. I think the disciples were being practical and pro-active, especially since being in charge of handling big problems is way out of my wheelhouse.  I would've been happy to give the hungry crowd some encouragement, suggest dining options, or even suggest quick easy meals to make once they got home.  I can be full of random information like that.  As you read on in the story, the disciples give excuses to Jesus after his declaration.  I would've offered excuses, I understand completely the arguments the disciples present to Jesus and I've often thought they were valid!  And Jesus doesn't budge from His original idea: the people don't need to go away, the disciples need to feed them.   The Holy Spirit nudged me to begin to consider what Jesus has asked of me and I've worked to wiggle out of it with "valid excuses."  For example:  I'm not to just come up with great ideas to help other people during our current culture of isolation; I'm to be involved.  When someone I know needs a helping hand, I need to stop spouting excuses and listen to what Jesus is asking me to do. 

A-ha #2:  Jesus didn't ask the disciples to do everything on their own.  Jesus didn't go through a step by step process with them of how to do a miracle.  He didn't ask, did you pray for more food?  What's in your pockets?  What resources are available to you?   That final question is the big one: what are your resources?  Sure, the disciples found some bread and fish, small resources to be sure.  Their main resource was Jesus.  Jesus wasn't expecting them to do it all on their own.  I wonder if in his mind Jesus was thinking: "Hello?!  Dudes!  Did you forget again who I am?  Have you still not grasped that I've got this miracle thing in the bag?  Nothing is impossible for me!"  I know I've forgotten that truth in the past.  I see my limited resources and I think, "God don't ask me!.  I don't have enough for such a big task!"  I don't consider God's ability to do the impossible as my number one resource.  Jesus never asks me to do anything on my own.  He's standing there waiting, patiently, for me to bring what I have and say, "okay, what do WE do next Jesus?" 

A-ha #3: I need to remember the leftovers.  In the story it says that "everyone ate and was satisfied," (verse 20) and then the disciples went around and picked up a bunch of leftovers.  I've always wondered what they did with those 12 baskets of leftovers?  Was that their lunch for the next several days?  Did they pass them out to large families?  Did they provide lunch for a new crowd the next day?  The Holy Spirit spoke to my spirit: there are always leftovers.  As I thought about that concept I realized when I teach a class, I offer God my time and energy to study and prepare.  Then I teach the class, or distribute, what God has provided.  The class participates and I glean new insight, leftovers.  Plus there is the information I learned in studying that I never teach, more leftovers.  When I help a friend, I bring God my willingness and skill set.  He provides the time needed to help, extra resources and energy.  I walk away with the leftovers of feeling purposeful, satisfied and grateful to be chosen and used.

I don't have to feed a big crowd today.  I don't even have to feed a small crowd!  And I need to be willing to do whatever Jesus declares.  He's not backing down in providing for those in my corner of the world; it's who He is.  He is the provider.  He is the one who relentlessly pursues.  He is the one who is seeking the lost and asking me to be part of His team of reconciliation. I need to stop giving excuses, rest in the truth that Jesus is my best resource, and then I need to look for the leftovers that God will provide.

Living in the In-Between

We are currently in an "in-between season." The weather has warmed enough that it doesn't feel like it is still winter.  And it hasn't changed enough for it to be declared spring.  A coat is needed as I go to work, and I can crack my car's moon roof open on the drive home.  I'm drawn to the idea of grilling, but when the wind kicks up, it's still very brisk standing out on our deck.  I'm assuming we won't get any more snow, and the flowers still haven't poked through the soil.   It's an in-between season. 

I've noticed my heart has felt a bit in-between as well.  The joy and hoopla of Christmas is over, and we've entered the serious business of Lent.  The joy and celebration of Easter is still weeks away.  I know that the purpose of Lent is to prepare one's heart for the power of the resurrection.  It's a time designed to help Christians remember their desperate need for a Savior.  For 40 days, the same number of days Jesus was tempted, we participate in activities to help our hearts focus more completely on the sacrifice that Christ made on our behalf.

I have participated in Lent in various ways over the years.  Some years I have fasted something to help draw me into the presence of God.  Some years I have added an additional habit to each day, again with the purpose to draw me into the presence of God.  I generally join the choir in  preparations of an Easter celebration.  Some years I know that I have truly experienced God in a powerful way. Some years I gain a fresh perspective of all God has done 

                                                                                 for me, or a deeper understanding of who I am and where I tend to fall short.  

Lately, I've struggled to connect to my Lent experience.  I read God's Word and I can see how good God is.  I am strengthened by the scriptures that tell me of His overwhelming love and continued faithfulness to me.  God graciously grants me wisdom and encouragement which enables me to engage in my day and my world in a way that would please Him.  And I lack passion; it just all feels very practical.

I'm not sure why I'm anti-practical.  Practicality is actually quite helpful; I guess my heart just longs for more.  I don't want to gauge my spiritual walk  on my feelings and, I admit, I want to truly feel God.  Just one day after mentally labeling my spiritual condition as "in-between," , my morning devotional was about transformation and the in-between phase from fixer-upper to finished remodel.  I became strongly aware of the Holy Spirit's movement in my life.  All of a sudden, those wonky feelings I was experiencing and the longing for more than practicality seemed purposeful.

Another day passed and I sat down to read a bit in a book I'm processing through.  This time the idea that jumped out was connected to a phrase I had read in my previous morning's devotional.  I paraphrased in my journal, "everything is redeemable." 

God's Spirit clarified some things and I saw why I'm living "in-between." I struggle to accept and fully believe that everything in my life is redeemable.  I can easily believe it for others.  After all, I'm convinced we serve a very BIG God.  And I doubt my own worthiness to be redeemed.  You need to know that as I type that statement I recognize its incongruence.  I know the truth that God redeems from His own love and grace.  I can't do anything to earn God's favor.  Jesus died, paying the price for my redemption because I am completely and utterly incapable.  And yet I have some messed up inner perception that says I'm supposed to be better than others, not as needy as most, somewhere on the scale closer to perfection than not.  Have you ever been there?  Have you ever thought to yourself: I should've done better; Why can't I get it right?; I'm not being positive enough, hopeful enough, nice enough, bold enough; I'm supposed to be able to do all things for heaven's sake! 

I admit I carried God's gracious and faithful reminder that, through Him, everything is redeemable in my head but not in my heart for several more days.  I could see the Truth, I could even rationalize how amazing the Truth is; and I couldn't seem to plant that Truth deep into the soil of my heart where it would truly help me.  Then God's Spirit spoke to me through Micah 6:6-8. 

         

          What should I bring before the Lord when I come to bow before God on high? Should

          I come before Him with burnt offerings, with year-old calves? Would the Lord be pleased

          with thousands of rams or with ten thousand streams of oil? Should I give my firstborn 

          for my transgression, the offspring of my body for my own sin?  Mankind, he has told

          each of you what is good and what it is the Lord requires of you: to act justly, to love 

          faithfulness, and to walk humbly with your God

I listed out things that I might actually bring to God since I don't normally store year old calves, rams or streams of oil.  And I'm convinced that my firstborn, at 30 years of age, would fight me on being offered as a sacrifice.  As I looked at the list I created, I realized I had basically written out a to-do list. More understanding of my in-between state came over me.  I had made the things I believed God was asking me to do in service to Him the focus.  They were becoming a god to me; I was believing these acts were going to give me purpose, peace, fulfillment, comfort and acceptance.  When I struggled to follow through on my to-do list I was beating myself up, tearing myself down, and basically feeling miserable.  God was telling me, everything is redeemable, because that's who He is. 

God whispered to my heart: I'm calling you to a deeper love.  I want you to truly be aware of my presence every moment of every day. I have things for you to do, and I want you to do them every single time from a heart and attitude of worship.

I'm working to create new habits throughout my day so that my focus is on walking humbly with my God.  I'm leaning into Him, I'm working to be honest with the Spirit when I realize I'm struggling, humbling myself so that I recalibrate my focus.  I'm recognizing that some days I need to have a quiet time in the middle of the day as well as in the morning.  I need to sit with Jesus and know His presence intimately to give me strength, wisdom and vision for what is to occur next.  I'm striving to let go of how I perceive I am to be, and allow God to use and redeem the offering I have to give at that particular point in time.  And I know God is honoring me in the in-between.  "…This is the Lord's declaration.  I will look favorably on this kind of person: one who is humble, submissive in spirit, and trembles at my word." (Isaiah 66:2).  

My God will redeem the in-between.