For my Dad

I play the alto sax.  I started playing the saxophone when I was 9 years old.  If I've done my math correctly I've played the sax for …  a really long time.  There were years when I never opened the case.  There were years when I practiced every day.  I'm not an amazing musician, but I'm not bad to listen to either. 

I own an enviable saxophone. I own a Selmer Mark VII, which to sax players is pretty cool.  My parents bought it for me my senior year of high school.  In my mind though, it was a gift from my dad.  I had a Bundy saxophone, which in simplistic terminology is a basic beginner horn.  By my senior year, Mr Bundy was pretty beat up, and I was beyond what it offered.  I was preparing to go to college and I promised my dad that if he bought me a new horn I would play all four years of college.  

The search began.

We didn't live in a large city, and to try out saxophones of the caliber we were looking at, we had to travel to the closest large city which was about an hour away.  So we would drive into the city, go to the music store and bring home an instrument for me to play for a week.  Then we would drive back, and exchange that sax for a different brand of equal quality.  We did that mulitple times.  My choices were finally narrowed down to the Selmer and a Buffet saxophone.  The differences in the two were described (according to my recollection) in that the Selmer was better for Jazz, and the Buffet was better for concert play.  I basically played concert, though I was involved in our high school jazz band.  I wasn't proficient at jazz. The whole making up what you are to play just by being given a key signature was a bit beyond me. The Buffet seemed the more logical choice, as well as more within my parents financial boundaries. 

I don't remember which horn I had been playing that final week.  I just knew my dad was going to the store alone.  He was taking back the instrument I had been playing and he would return with the instrument that I would get to keep.  I don't remember the whole conversation, but I do remember telling my dad my heart longed for the Selmer, but I liked the Buffet as well, and I would be happy either way.  I believed my dad would bring home the Buffet. 

But he brought home the Selmer.

I've never felt so spoiled in my life.  It's the one gift that always, I mean always, reminds me of the depth of love my parents, and especially my dad has for me.  I still play that sax.  I'm a member of our woship team, and toodle away every other week.  I should practice more.  The reality is that I play for me.  And my dad, though he lives several states away and doesn't hear me play.  That sax makes a sweet sound.  Admittedly, with a more proficient player the sound would be sweeter, but it couldn't ring out with anymore love.

Whenever I think about my saxophone and my dad's love, I am always reminded that God loves me even more; that he sacrificed greatly for me, even more than my own father.   Accepting God's love has never been difficult because I was gifted a tremendous example.  I am blessed beyond measure to be given an earthly father that loved so deeply.  May the sweet songs I play on my saxophone be, forever, a gift of worship and gratitude.

Rest and Peace

My husband evidently didn't have a very restful night.  I had no idea.  He evidently woke up in the middle of the night and struggled to go back to sleep.  I snoozed away, unaware of his predicament.  Generally these roles are reversed.  I'm the one waking up, getting up to go to the rest room, or throwing off covers, and then waking up to snuggle back under, shifting positions this way or that, adding a pillow or throwing one aside. 

As I thought about our typical sleep patterns God nudged my spirit. I was thankful for a good night's sleep but I became more aware of a greater gift that He graciously gives.  I have peace; I have rest.  When I lay down at night, the worries and concerns of life do not overwhelm me and keep me awake fretting.  When issues come to mind, I pray over them and am learning to truly leave them with Jesus. 

God's Word reminds me over and over that I can trust Him.  From the very beginning, in the Garden of Eden, God intended to be the one to carry the weight of our lives.  He didn't plan for us to become familiar with our inadequacies, and limitations.  He didn't want us to be overwhelmed with the repsonsibility of having to decipher good and evil.  From our creation, God just wanted to provide for us, bless us, and enjoy us.  One of His deepest desires for us is peace and rest. 

Psalm 4:8 says, "In peace I will lie down and sleep, for you alone, Lord, make me dwell in safety." God the Father promised the Israelites, "My Presence will go with you, and I will give you rest." (Exodus 33:14)  Jesus promised "Peace I leave with you, my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid." (John 14:27) 

My heart is flooded with gratitude, for God is providing a taste of Eden for me.  God gives me peace and rest.  I can live out this day in celebration, for the Lord is providing safety in Him.  God is with me: Glorious Emmanuel. And Jesus' peace is holding worry, anxiety and fear at bay.  I declare with the Psalmist, "But I trust in you, Lord; I say, 'You are my God.'" (Psalm 31:14)

Starting Point

I do not consider myself a whiz in the kitchen.  I would say I’m a passable cook, but the idea of preparing food for others always makes me a bit anxious.  I’m comfortable making a meal for my family because I figure they’ve gotten used to what I create.  Others…. I’m not so sure.  Our church, like many others, provides food for families in need.  Perhaps someone has been ill, or a baby has been born, or they are packing to move.  My name is on the list.  I get the emails asking if I’d like to participate.  There is always a bit of hesitation in my spirit because I wonder what in the world do I make, that someone else will enjoy. 

When I recently read the story of Jesus feeding the four thousand in Mark 8, I knew exactly how the disciples felt.  Jesus doesn’t come right out at the beginning of the story and tell the disciples that they need to get cooking.  He presents the circumstance that there is a large group of people who have been listening to Jesus and hanging out with all of them for three days.  Jesus has noticed that the food the people had brought with them is now gone, and they are hungry.  It is time for all those people to go home, but Jesus is concerned that some of them have a long ways to travel, and it is just too far to go without having been fed first.   

The disciples are quick to generate excuses about why they shouldn’t be the ones to sign up to take a meal.  Oh how I know those excuses.  “I don’t have the ingredients on hand, Lord!”  “I need that meat to feed my own family!”  “I already have too much on my plate.”  “I have been helping this whole time, Lord, I’m exhausted!”  “Someone else will step forward, Jesus, shouldn’t I allow someone else the opportunity to help out?” “I think you are asking too much of me. I just don’t know how I will be able to get that done.”  I am saddened by how easily I identify with the disciples’ struggle; how I understand too completely that it just sounds like too much work, it’s too much hassle, and what is being asked, doesn’t seem to offer much personal reward.

My heart fills with gratitude over the graciousness of Jesus’ response.  Jesus doesn’t condemn or criticize the disciples for their attitude.  He didn’t remind them “you are to love your neighbor.”  He accepted where they were and began the process of helping them move forward by asking “How much bread do you have?” (Verse 5, NLT)  Jesus gave them a starting point. And then Jesus began to go to work.

Jesus does the same for me.  When I head into my whining, wee-bit-of-panic mode Jesus accepts me where I am and begins to turn my heart so that my attitude aligns with His. How gentle God’s Spirit is as He tenders my heart toward submission to His will.  He often reminds me of all I have been blessed with; or He reveals a pocket of time I had forgotten was available; or he fills my heart with a longing to do and be more than I had previously imagined. 

Just as the disciples learned, my eyes are not to be neither on myself, nor on the circumstance or need in front of me.  My focus is to be on Christ, what He wants to accomplish and what will bring Him glory.  The disciples didn’t make the miracle happen.  They provided what they had on hand to the Savior, and Jesus provided what was ultimately needed. 

They just provided what they had on hand: that was the starting point.  That needs to be my starting point as well.  Sometimes I have food to prepare on hand.  Sometimes I have a listening ear.  Sometimes I have a free afternoon to help someone pack, or complete a project, or give their spirit a lift.  Sometimes I have a card I can send.  Sometimes I have something I need to do and I can invite someone to join me. Jesus is asking each of us to trust Him enough to start.  He will take what little we have and provide the necessary miracle that feeds the souls of even the hungriest crowd.  Jesus is asking, “How much do you have?” He’s waiting to get started. 

Dreams, Hopes and Expectations

All of us, since childhood, have had dreams.  Some my dreams were wild and excessively imaginative: it’s not often that a girl from a pastoral family in Kansas gets to be Queen.  Some of my dreams were typical: like that “one boy” would actually decide he thinks I am cute.  Some of my dreams were true possibilities of what I might actually be when I grew up.  Some of my dreams are still dreams; they have yet to come true. 

The human mind and spirit is fascinating in determining which dreams to hold on to, to hope they will come true, and to begin to expect that the imaginable become reality.  The Bible story of Joshua is intriguing in that regard.  For years, Joshua was Moses assistant.  He went where Moses went; he did what Moses told him to do.  Joshua played 2^nd fiddle for a very long time.  Did he ever hope to lead?  Did he ever expect that he would actually take Moses place and lead the children of Israel?  Or did Joshua just want to learn from the godly man that he was assisting?  There’s no way to know actually what Joshua dreamed of or hoped for.  Perhaps someday, when we are all sitting around the pearly gates after a delicious meal of tacos on a Tuesday, we can ask.

When I read the story of Joshua, I do realize one big lesson about hopes and expectations: one always has to live on God’s timetable.  Joshua was a warrior.  He wasn’t created to be just another mini-Moses.  Joshua had skills and gifts that were different than Moses.  Yet, for a long time, Joshua’s purpose was to assist, to learn and to be available.  God’s timetable for Joshua was not quick, just like when you look at the story of Moses.  Moses spent years in the desert before he was ready, and the timing was right for the children of Israel to be freed.  So Joshua had to wait for his hopes and expectations to be used of God to be fulfilled.

It’s a new year.  I can’t count how many times and from how many sources I have heard the phrase, “New Year, New You!”  It’s a catchy phrase and it is motivating and filled with hope.  As I look toward this New Year, I want more than just a “new me.”  I want to be like Joshua and fulfill the purpose that God has decreed for me.  I may not yet know what that purpose is, or how it will be lived out, but the words God gave to Joshua in the first chapter of his story give me some direction.

First, I need to remember that God is with me.  He will not fail me, or abandon me.  God promises that to Joshua in Joshua 1:5.  Before God gives any instruction, God wants to ease any of Joshua’s fears.  God wants to do the same for me.  Jesus came as Emmanuel, God with us.  I can choose to trust that God will not leave me to flounder on my own.

Secondly, I need to choose to be strong and courageous (Joshua 1: 6, 7 & 9).  I have to admit those words are much easier to say or to read than to actually live out. They shouldn’t be.  I need to keep going back to the first thing: God is with me.  And then I need to remember and focus on who God really is.  He is the God who created the entire world from literally nothing.  He is the God who parted the Red Sea.  He is the God who stopped the sun from setting.  He is the God who rescued one of his servants from some very hungry lions.  He is the God who helped a young shepherd boy slay a really big warrior giant with a rock. He is the God who died, and rose again, defeating the power of death.  He is THAT God and He is with me.  Why shouldn’t I choose to believe that I can be strong and courageous?

Thirdly, I am to obey (Joshua 1:7).  God tells Joshua that he is to obey all the instructions.  He is not to deviate at all.  To make sure he knows what to do, God tells Joshua in verse 8 to study the book of instructions that Moses had left and to study continually.  That’s some serious cramming.  God promises that if Joshua obeys, he will be successful.  I am to be no different than Joshua.  I am to study God’s Word, meditate on it, let God’s words become the filter I use to determine what I do, how I think, the way I respond, and the attitude I project.  

Joshua’s initial interpreter of God was Moses.  I have been given the Holy Spirit, who lives within me and is my counsel and guide.  It makes me a bit sad for Joshua.  And if I have a better interpreter of God than Joshua, why shouldn’t I hope and expect to accomplish even more than him?  God promises Joshua that he will be successful in what God had already determined for him to do.  I too will be successful when I choose to be strong and courageously obey what God teaches me, always remembering that He is with me, helping me, guiding me and enabling me.

“This is my command – be strong and courageous! Do not be afraid or discouraged. For the Lord your God is with you wherever you go.” Joshua 1:9 NLT  

Music to my Soul

I go through phases when I struggle with my worth.  It's my "Achilles heel" so to speak.  I have seasons when I move forward in great confidence and self-assurance.  My faith is strong, I'm willing to take risks, I believe in who God made me to be and the unique gifts He equipped me with.  And then I have seasons when I crumble on the inside.  I become fearful, doubting myself, doubting God's ability to use me, wondering why I am wired the way I am.

When I was younger, I would've told you that the strong seasons and the fearful seasons coincided with how much I'd been investing into my relationship with Jesus.  Generally, the fearful seasons aligned themselves with an inconsistency in time spent in God's Word, and not opening myself to conversation with the Holy Spirit in prayer. 

I have learned that particular lesson and have matured to daily time with Jesus, every day, week in and week out.  I read his Word; I love to learn at His feet. God strengthened and stretched me by encouraging a friend to challenge  me to read a book on prayer. I began to pray scripture over myself and those I bring to God's throne.  Journaling those prayers has helped me tremendously in being consistent in conversing with Christ. 

Yet a season of fear and doubt overwhelmed me.  God has been faithful to speak peace and hope to my heart.  My emotions have still trapped me on a roller-coaster ride that has taken my breath away on some days. 

Today, as I went through the process of getting ready for the day, I was listening to music. Song after song after song whispered strength and hope to my weary soul. I recognized my need and God's generous grace in the words that spoke directly to struggle.  My heart resonates with Isaiah 9:2 "The people who walk in darkness will see a great light.  For those who live in a land of deep darkness, a light will shine."  Emmanuel, God with us, has come.  He sings over me.

More than Dog Loyalty

My dog escaped this morning -- EARLY this morning.  I padded out to the kitchen around 6 am today.  As per routine, I opened the back door to let the dog do his morning business in the back yard.  I proceeded to make coffee and unload the dishwasher.  I finally poured my first cup of joe and realized my dog still hadn't returned to be allowed entrance back into the house.  So out I go, in my pj's, in the cold, onto the deck where I discover that one of the gates has been left open and my little adventurer has disappeared. 

For the next 45 minutes to an hour my husband and I search for our dog.  Not easy… it's still dark and our dog is black.  Just as we have decided to go home and hope our precious mutt returns, we see him headed our way.  My emotions were a mixture of relief and pure annoyance.  I get the dog to take him inside and my husband hurries to take his shower, eat quickly and head to work.  I finally sit down to have my quiet time, but my heart isn't really quiet.  I don't feel angry but that annoyance of spending the first hour of my day in the cold looking for my dog is lingering. 

God began to speak some truth to me.  My dog was glad to be home.  He was a bit sorry as one could tell by his tucked in tail and the fact that he kept rolling over to show me his belly.  The reality is though that if he was loosed into the back yard tomorrow and the gate was open, he would most likely go adventuring again.  My dog doesn't get true repentance, and I knew I needed to ask the tough question: do I understand true repentance or do I too often act like my dog? Do I want to be home with Jesus, and dwell where He is AND also go adventuring at times and do whatever I want.   When I ramble back home after adventuring, do I want to get by with a little tuck of my tail and a showing of my belly to prove that I am willing to submit to God's authority?

In my quiet time I read about Enoch. Enoch never died, he just got an awesome trip straight to heaven.  He literally disappeared from earth.  Enoch is decribed as a person who pleased God.  It doesn't say that Enoch did anything wildly important.  Enoch wasn't a CEO, or someone super famous. Enoch didn't invent the latest coolest gadget.  Enoch wasn't everyone's favorite teacher or coach.  Enoch was just a guy who pleased God.  Enoch didn't want to leave the yard to go adventuring; Enoch wanted to be where God was all the time.  Enoch wanted to be with God, hang out with God, talk to God, know God, and do whatever he could to make God happy.  And because of that Enoch is listed among the faithful in Hebrews 11. 

I was struck by the idea that God just wants me to be like Enoch.  He isn't asking me to do things that others will identify as impressively important. He hasn't asked me to sell everything I own and move to a country on the other side of the world.  He's asking me to be focused on Him alone. I haven't been adventuring lately, but God wants more from me than just dog loyalty.  God wants priority commitment.  God wants me to long to please Him more than anything else I do.  God wants me to live like Enoch, all for the glory of His great name.  Now that's loyalty.

Thankful Preparations

I don't normally buy this many groceries.  After all, it is just my husband and myself.  We like to eat, but really?  We are still just two people. My kids are coming home for the holiday, and they are bringing friends. I like that.  I like that my home can be a gathering place.  I like hearing the sounds of laughter and fun floating throughout the house from its various corners. 

While I was shopping and my cart gained that "overflowing" look, I admit to being a bit worried about the cost of all this "joy."  I was adding up my total cost as I went, (yes, I am one of THOSE shoppers:  I don't necessarily have to be so tight with the budget anymore, but years of it being a necessity has given me very distinct grocery shopping habits) and I was still within my budget. And yet I found myself asking questions in my head like: do I NEED another box of crackers?  Will they like this breakfast cereal?  What do my daughter's friends like to snack on?  Is this enough noodles for spaghetti? Why are gluten-free spaghetti noodles so expensive?!  How badly will my husband hurt if I use regular noodles?  Am I over thinking this?  Yes to the good bacon? Cheese sticks? Ice cream?...  I found myself becoming distracted by the process instead of focusing on what God was providing.

I have heard others say, and I have repeated it myself to others that identifying what one has to be thankful for, listing them out, helps you move from worry to peace.  My heart needs that process as I have gone to another grocery store since the pictured purchase, and I'm sure I will return to the grocery store before everyone arrives, and perhaps even while they are here!  Budget-smudget.  I'm making a list:

• There IS padding in my budget in several places.
• I get to enjoy the presence of my children, at home, for more than a night.
• I have the privilege of being a generous hostess.
• I get to make my children some of their favorite foods and enjoy spoiling them.
• I am blessed that I have the space to not only have my children home, but their friends as well.
• NONE of this is a financial burden.
• I still can afford to drink all the good coffee that I want.
• I will be paid in hugs.
• I get to bless people from my church who will join our feast.
• I am reminded how often my mom has done this for my siblings and myself, it fills my heart.
• I get to snack on things that are not normally found in our house anymore.
• There will be pumpkin bread and homemade cookies.
• I don't have to make the pies.
• I can imagine my son's pleasure because there will be gravy.
• I have the ingredients for a double batch of my daughter's favorite jello salad.
• I will get to soak in the all the idiosyncrasies of those I love the most. I can hardly wait.
• I don't regret a dime spent, even if that means no new shoes for awhile; the trade-off is  priceless.

I truly am Blessed and Grateful.  To God be the Glory.