Truly Seeing God

Yesterday was one of "those days."  Nothing horrible happened,  I was productive in getting a few things checked off my to do list, and I went through the day in an emotional funk.  I will even admit that about 12:30, I gave up and put my pajama pants back on with a comfy sweatshirt and my slippers.  The appointment I had gotten dressed for was over and I really wanted to just crawl under a blanket, binge watch whatever and eat junk food all day.  I suppose it was lucky for me that the main task that needed to be done could be done in my pajamas, with a popcorn bowl nearby, and reruns of Monk playing to keep me company. 

Or perhaps I accomplished a task, and missed how God wanted to show up for me.

I began my day with my emotions teetering on the cusp of being hormonal.  I had my quiet time and God tried to speak to me with verses that spoke of His kindness, and that He helps us when life is hard to be filled with abundant joy.  He prodded me to give myself first to Him with the example of the Corinthians in 2 Corinthians 8:5 ("… they had first given themselves unreservedly to God…" The Message).  I missed what He was speaking into the middle of my immediate circumstance though and dutifully jotted down notes that fit the passage as a whole.  In my notes I wrote, "Don't rationalize away the extra giving!  Focus on giving self completely to God -- trusting His wisdom, His resources, His purposes and be brave enough to ask: what do you want me to give?"    All I could see was giving of resources, or time, or perhaps a particular gifting.  I couldn't see that God was begging me to give my emotional state, my complete self in that particular moment, and trust that He would provide what I needed to know His presence and His joy. I wasn't brave enough to believe that with His resources He could wisely provide what I was lacking.

God is persistent and He tried again through a YouVersion devotional plan I've been going through.  I read Isaiah 43:1-7 and journaled "Listen to the Lord who created you… He is the One who formed you."  The Holy  Spirit reminded me that I belonged to God, that He is always with me… ALWAYS. I copied down part of verse 4 and 5, "…you are precious to me. You are honored and I love you.  Do not be afraid, for I am with you." I read John 14:25-31 and journaled, "Satan has no power over me…. Focus on the peace God gives, He is in control."  And yet, I stubbornly remained emotionally bound, lacking in joy and peace.

I battled with my emotions all day, as evidenced by the empty ice cream bowl that I removed from my office this morning.  I ached to feel better, but didn't take the time to truly crumple before the throne of grace and beg for mercy.  I had my whole, "I've got this" attitude going, figuring I just needed to power through.  As I look back from the perspective of today, I don't think that's what God longed for me.  On a chalkboard in my office I currently have written, "Be strong through the grace God gives you in Christ Jesus." (2 Timothy 2:1b). I was relying completely on my own strength and my own wisdom, trying to just make do.  Jesus is the giver of abundant life; I don't think He ever wants me to "just make do." 

That verse from 2 Timothy popped up in my quiet time this morning, along with more of the chapter.  This morning, I was more open to listening to what God wanted to say into my immediate moment.  The imagery in 2 Timothy 2 of a soldier grabbed my imagination.  My son is in the military and I've learned that pleasing one's commanding officer and following direct orders is of extreme importance.  It doesn't matter if my son likes the task or not, if he think it's fair or not, if the commanding officer speaks, he follows orders.  Second Timothy 2:3 tells me I'm to be a good soldier of Christ Jesus.  When He speaks, I'm to listen, and follow His orders.  I'm to behave in a way that He declares is acceptable.  I'm to trust that He will have my back.  I'm to believe in the mission that He provides. I wasn't a good soldier yesterday and I believe God was more sad than I was.  This morning, God welcomed me into His presence again with open arms.  He didn't criticize yesterday's level of obedience.  He didn't chastise me, or punish me.  And He was faithful to speak … again, working to open my eyes to the truth of who He is and the reality of my lack of faith. 

My emotional state is more stable today.  AND I am more aware of my desperate need for God's grace, mercy, forgiveness, and strength in my life.  I am grateful to be reminded (again!) that this life is not about me.  I've been given my orders to bring glory to God.  My heart is praying today, as I work through my to-do list, seeking God's affirmation, God's direction, and God's blessing.  I want to be a good soldier.  I have been saved, forgiven, redeemed.  The creator of the world has stepped into my every day world, and provided peace, wonder and joy.  Oh that I may focus on all that God is today.  May I crumple at the foot of the cross and beg for grace, that I may be of service and bring Him glory.