God's Generosity

Don't you love it when someone is generous to you?  Perhaps someone pays for your coffee when you go through the drive through. Perhaps you are surprised with a bouquet of spring flowers. Perhaps someone in your house actually loads the dishwasher, runs it, and then unloads it without being asked! I am a firm believer in the idea that life is enriched when, in the middle of every day activities, someone acts generously toward someone else.  I believe both people are impacted, and God smiles.

I read the parable of the vineyard workers the other morning in my time with Jesus.  It's a familiar story to me. A group  of workers are hired in the morning to work in a vineyard.  They make an agreement with the vineyard owner that they will work the entire day for one denarius, basically a typical day's wage.   The vineyard owner goes back to the marketplace several times during the day and finds more people to work in his vineyard and he sends them out to his field.  He does that almost up to quitting time.  At the end of the day, all the workers are paid.  They are all paid the same wage; every worker received the one denarius, regardless of the time of day they started.  As one expects, the initial group of workers hired feel they are treated unfairly.  They state the truth that they worked all day out in the sun and heat.  Their argument is that surely they should be compensated with a slightly higher wage.  The vineyard owner reminds them that they agreed to work the whole day in the sun and heat for one denarius.  The wage they received is fair. The vineyard owner says, "Friend, I'm doing you no wrong. Didn't you agree with me on a denarius? Take what's yours and go. I want to give this last man the same as I gave you.  Don't I have the right to do what I want with what is mine?  Are you jealous because I am generous?"

I saw myself in those workers. I remembered a number of times I have had a similar conversation with God.  'Why is someone younger than me having such success?  I've put in my dues, why am I still struggling to achieve the dreams I have?'  'Why didn't that opportunity come to me Lord?  I've been faithful!  Why was that person chosen?'  'I'm available Lord! Why aren't you using me in the ways I've been wired?  I keep offering myself. Why do I feel left on the shelf?'  Have you ever been there? 

I stared at the words, "Are you jealous because I'm generous?"  I had to honestly answer with a whispered "yes."  The Holy Spirit began to remind me of Biblical truth: ALL good gifts come from God; He is Sovereign, so He has the right to do what He wants with what is His; He is all wise, so He knows what is best for each person; He is the Landowner, so it's all about Him and not about me; God is faithful and He has generously provided salvation, peace, joy and eternity in His presence; God is love and He loves me with an overwhelming, excessive love.  With each truth brought to mind I began to realize how very generous God has been and continues to be to me.  The problem doesn't lie with God. The problem lies with me.

Mark 7:21 and 22 says, "For from within, out of people's hearts come evil thoughts, sexual immoralities, thefts, murders, adulteries, greed, evil actions, deceit, self-indulgence, envy, slander, pride and foolishness." I admit I have a tendency to skim over verses like these because they begin with behaviors and habits that don't describe me.  I haven't felt murderous since I shared a room with my sister, and I'm truly too fearful of the risk of being caught to ever steal something.  It's the concepts at the end of the list that stick it to me: greed, self-indulgence, envy, slander, pride and foolishness.  Comfort and ease is my Achilles heel and they encourage my selfishness to grab control where I have no business being in charge. Thankfully I also find myself in Ephesians 2:10, "For we are his workmanship created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared ahead of time for us to do."  Sadly I make more work for the Holy Spirit when I get my eyes on what I perceive I deserve.  I imagine that God has had to be very creative in forming a masterpiece out of the pieces I leave Him.  

I get caught up in comparing myself to others.  I end up feeling insecure, ineffectual and worthless.  So I come to God expecting Him to bolster me up by being generous in some way that I have already decided will make me feel better about myself.  In the parable the vineyard owner and the workers agreed upon a wage.  This question popped into my mind: What have God and I agreed upon?  I accept His gift of grace and receive eternal life and a restored relationship with Him.  I choose to call Him Lord and Savior, and He makes me a new creation, a masterpiece.  I follow the example of Jesus and the instructions He gives to Kingdom followers and He provides peace, joy and fulfilled purpose.  I choose to trust Him to provide for all my needs, He gets to choose how that will happen.  I choose to believe He is who He says He is and He strengthens me, encourages me, empowers my faith, and pours out His love and acceptance on me.  I saw that God is generous to me, and still I felt a struggle in my spirit.  On that particular morning I had a Barre class to attend, so I got dressed, grabbed my water bottle and jumped in my car.  As I was driving across town, the song Holy Water, by We the Kingdom, came on the radio. The song put into words what my spirit struggled to confess out loud:

God, I'm on my knees again

God, I'm begging please again

I need You

Oh, I need You

Walking down this desert road

Water for my thirsty soul

I need You

Oh, I need You…

Your forgiveness

Is like sweet, sweet honey

On my lips

Like the sound of a symphony

To my ears

Like holy water on my skin

On my skin

I don't wanna abuse Your grace

God, I need it every day

It's the only thing that ever really

Makes me wanna change

I don't wanna abuse Your grace

God, I need it every day

God gently reminded me that everything was okay between us because He was offering me His grace.  He was being generous to me in the way I needed it most.  I heard his sweet voice whisper, "Friend, I am doing you no wrong."  He is trustworthy.  He is faithful.  He loves me.  He is a good, good Father.  And He is generous to me. 

Clouded Peace

I was scrolling Instagram and came across a post by @jenschmidt_beautyandbedlam.  She had posted a picture of one of those letter board signs that read "30 days hath September, April, June and November, all the rest have 31, except February alone. . . and January which has 79." Oh man, that's how I felt about January. It's not like February is holding some magic that I just can't wait to get into. January wasn't overwhelming and awful.  It just felt l - o - n - g.  SO. VERY. LONG.

January was a 5 week month.  I know that sounds odd, because it's not like there were really 35 days in the month, or 79!  January began on a Wednesday and it ended on a Friday.  In my budgeting and scheduling, it works out to 5 weeks.  Five trips to the grocery store. Five laundry event days.  The month's surplus funds had to be divided by five, not four.  Sadly, there were still only 4 weekends in the month and not five.. 

The cloudy skies added to the feeling of the month just dragging us into the year once the initial hoopla was over.  The clouds wouldn't bother me so much if they came with large white flakes that made everything look soft and pretty for awhile.  Nor would they bother me if flowers started popping from the ground, but flowers this early would just be nuts.  I don't mind still wearing my sweaters and boots.  And I miss  blue skies and sunshine.  I'm not convinced February will be much different, but maybe… 

I found myself feeling "grumpy" with a lack of motivation.  I just wanted to binge watch whatever and eat lots of popcorn.  Cooking became a chore. Even coming up with new outfit ideas to wear,  which normally counts as a "win!" in my book, didn't feel like much fun. And I kept coming across the phrase, "the peace of God."  In particular, I kept reading and re-reading, through various sources and from different avenues, Colossians 3:15.  "And let the peace of Christ, to which you were also called in one body, rule your hearts.  And be thankful."  God's peace is to rule in my heart.  God's peace is to be the governing force, the top of the food chain, the owner of the desk where the buck stops.  God's peace is to govern everything I do, every attitude I choose, every thought I dwell upon.  God's peace is to dictate how I perceive my days, my time, and my opportunities. 

In the reality of my life, the struggle between January's dragging days and God's peace ruling, was almost tangible.  I didn't stormed through the house on a rampage. And I was short tempered with my husband.  I didn't curled up in my bed, hiding under the covers. And I avoided pushing for conversation and relationship.  I didn't stopped exercising or making healthy dinners.  And I ate donuts regularly and sneaked too many peanut M&Ms.  I didn't slept in on Sunday mornings and I continued to have my morning quiet times.  And I avoided writing, being disobedient to share what God revealed to me.  I allowed God to speak and move.  And yet I also held Him at a distance.  Honest confession: I wanted God's peace to look like what I would choose, and I sensed what I wanted wasn't going to be His choice.  So I struggled with releasing control. Ever been there? 

For God's peace to rule, I have to trust who God is.  I have to believe He is who He says He is, and that He really does ~ always ~ work for my best.  Exodus 34:6 says, '…"The Lord -- the Lord is a compassionate and gracious God, slow to anger and abounding in faithful love and truth."  Isaiah 43:1-3a says, "Now this is what the Lord says -- the one who created you, Jacob, and the one who formed you, Israel -- 'Do not fear, for I have redeemed you; I have called you by your name; you are mine.  I will be with you when you pass through the waters, and when you pass through the rivers, they will not overwhelm you.  You will not  be scorched when you walk through the fire; and the flame will not burn you.  For I am the Lord your God, the Holy one of Israel, and your Savior.'"

God declares in those verses that He is the One to save me. Every time I need Him, He is available and He is more than able to be my Savior.  He doesn't like it when I'm grumpy and disobedient, and He remains compassionate and gracious toward me because that is who He is.  I don't need to be afraid that He's going to reject me, turn me away, or yell at me for being such a mess. He is my Redeemer.  He has called me by my name; I belong to Him. 

God was faithful to me throughout the long days of January.  He did His part to get my attention, to remind me of truth, so that I could be at peace.  January was long because I was unwilling to humble myself and accept Gods complete rule so that peace could reign.  February began with rain, but the clouds that were hovering in my heart are being lifted.  I'm focusing my eyes and my obedience on the truth of who God is.  He is my Redeemer.  I am His, and He is mine.  He is full of compassion toward me and He is exceedingly gracious.  He loves me and I am choosing to allow His peace to rule.